friendship lite

i can’t do part time friendships or friendship lite*. it might not be that i can’t do it, but i have no interest. at. all. my relationships with people are quite deep & as you can tell i run my mouth quite a bit and i do not have time to babysit feelings, not even my own. i need my friends to understand and know me fully. granted i realize that that’s an ongoing task that’ll likely never be perfected but i need the effort because that’s what i bring to the table. yes, i know everybody can’t do this or may not even want to & that’s perfectly alright, lol. for those that don’t wanna do it, by all means don’t, but also don’t expect me to try to get close to you. i make this pretty clear with all of my relationships. platonic or romantic, i have to keep it honest because i don’t want anything negative to be attached to me. just because it’s probably inevitable does'n’t mean i can’t still try.

i believe a lot of people overstep or misread relationships, including platonic & romantic. it all goes back to the big picture of how that person was raised and methods of communication...which is why i talk so much, lol. we all get lost in this alternate reality in our heads that could be right next to the truth, but because we haven’t done the necessary research, it’s still just something our heads conjured up. thinking, planning, plotting, and then being disappointed when someone doesn’t do what you thought they were going to do. i spent way too many years allowing others to tell their version of my story and making up impossible ones, but that ain’t happening anymore. no thanks. that’s why i tend to over-communicate...even if it’s just in my head. my goal is to be on the same page, not the same thought or sentence. i want to understand and be understood, dasit. ask all the questions. feel all the vibes. ask more questions or even the same questions. humans are ever-changing and growing so we gotta keep up…and allow people to change, but that’s a different conversation.

i’m not even going to lie, asking the necessary questions can be really difficult and trusting that someone is being open and honest can be just as difficult, if not more. but in my life, i’ve definitely won so much more by going out on a limb and having the hard conversations. i’m going to learn something regardless, it could be that this person needs to be cutoff or that i need to be a better person, knowledge all the same. PLUS, once you get the answers your head can stop spinning with the “what ifs” and if that ain’t motivation enough then idk what is!

* smooches *

brighten up

i truly feel like my friends, even distant friends, are all interconnected & hyper psychic! i’ll be minding my business scrolling on ig or twitter and boom! a very private thought i shared with no one is posted by a friend and i immediately check to see who was stalking my brain because it happens way more than i like, lol. i’m well aware of the cookies & google listening to my conversations, but i think my friends are in my head, too. they have to be, that’s the only thing that makes sense! or it’s just God’s timing, but the thought of my friends putting a thought tracking device in my head like a horror movie is pretty hilarious, lol. this thought that my friends stole from my brain is, “why do people rally around or celebrate you more when you’re down rather than when you’re up?”

i found myself thinking of this more more often than i care to admit because it’s true, but hopefully with good intention. it’s pretty much involuntary to give love to those that need it aka those are down in the dumps, but why does someone need to be sad in order to be built up? is there something in our brains that tells us to fix the sad? whenever i see sadness i always ask if the person wants to be hyped up or if they want to vent, it’s definitely helped me whenever i feel down. this way i’m not rushing to a solution that may not even be necessary. plus most often, if a person is outwardly showing that they are sad it’s because they can no longer hold in the hurt so the natural reaction is to give them verbal flowers to feel better. so for those that handle all of their sadness within themselves, they just never get celebrated because no one can actually see their hurt, which sucks! that’s why i continually hype people!

i love to build people up! it’s my fav hobby, lol. i would love to get others to do it more often too because everybody needs it, tbh. but truly because unless someone reaches that breaking point you never know what someone is going through. plus, it only takes a few milliseconds out of your day to put a smile one’s face, which also makes you smile. now i’m not saying this to ask for compliments, but to encourage you to constantly build each other up even when things are good, that only means they can get better.

oh, by the way, you’re popping asl and i can’t wait to see what magic you choose to share with the world.

bigger than triggers

triggers aren’t always clear cut nor easy to get rid of…tbh they’re little demons of gloom running around waiting for you to walk into them without saying excuse me.

once a situation or conflict has ended, moving on usually isn’t that big of a deal for me…but this time it’s soooooo hard. i randomly find myself replaying the conflict in my head to assess it from different angles and perspectives. the most frustrating part of it all is that i still get to the same conclusion, which is that “i. be. knowing.” periodt! but no, seriously, i handle conflict rather well (on the outside). i gather the necessary info, i actively listen, i wait to speak and try my best not to interrupt or raise my voice. but i also make sure to let the person know that i’m trying to patronize them by using these tools that i’ve learned. on the inside tho, i replay every single thing from the actual words to the silent words or body language because that’s just how my brain works. i don’t like to argue so whenever i am i always want to quickly understand the real issue and work through it.

anywho, it was an extra stupid annoying to involuntarily rehash all these feelings and arguments in my head that i thought had died. i mean my entire mood shifted. i’m looking at everybody super sideways & being mute because in my head they remember the conflict too and they’re just being fake nice so i’m like f*ck these n*ggahs!…& the entire time everyone is just enjoying life while i sulk and pout. it was like the entire situation was replaying in my head on a big screen. i was trying to tell myself to get out of it, but you know once you have an idea everything else that happens after that idea only builds up to further back the idea…even if the idea is completely wrong! it was impossible to shake these thoughts until hours after i was removed from it. the hurt kept spiraling in my head and as irritating as it was i just couldn’t stop it. my sleep was effected, my diet instantly became trash, negative self talk (spottie) was having a field day & my laziness skyrocketed. i kept talking myself in circles and trying to use my friends intelligently so i wouldn’t be so annoying, but i couldn’t listen. i was in a scary place that i hadn’t seen in a very long time. the simple spiral became a tornado because it tore through any positive thoughts that i tried to have. i have a good number of positive things going on right now, ya girl is booked, but spottie was like, “nope, nope. it’s all bs, you’re not worthy, you’re going to mess it up.” ya know the rhetoric.

before i let myself get worse i went to my tools! (s/o to my therapist) first i took a mega long shower. the kind where you exfoliate, scrub again, wash your hair, meditate & shave. i’m relaxed just thinking about it. (insert yoga emoji) then i tackled my hair while playing my spa playlist. after that i started writing and editing pictures which exercised my logical and creative brain muscles. after doing all this i had the best revelation of why the conflict was still bothering me and that is that creating new boundaries for friends that have hurt me is something that i still struggle with, majorly. + i definitely didn’t handle the hurt/damage all the way through when the conflict first happened. so from all this i learned that i need to completely handle and work through any argument for there not to be residual effects later on and that i need to work on building boundaries for people in my life. i’m a work in process, but realizing this and not allowing spottie or negative thoughts overtake me is a true testament to my personal growth and i’m so proud of me! : )

* smooches *

faith can be complicated

i’m honestly having a crazy little battle in my head between these two ideas:

  1. “it’s not even that bad, stop stressing. doubting yourself & God will only bring turmoil”

  2. ”feel it through, it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling because you’re trying things you’ve never imagined.”

these thoughts aren’t necessarily directly opposed, but they definitely aren’t close friends. i’m in this state of fear that always comes when i’m attempting to do something new & usually BIG. i get stuck in stupid doubt when too many things are changing because i’m just like…”why are things changing??” i’m good right here, doing this & that. but then i want to try something a little extra and then a bunch of other factors in my life are like, “well shit, we might as well switch it up too!” you can imagine my enthusiasm or lack of. so, of course, i’m throwing my tantrum because i’m trying to level up, but still wanting my life to stay the same & apparently it doesn’t work that way. smh.

i’m “keeping the faith,” as my granny would say, but lawdhamercy, i’m lost in thought and potential endings to the story. i have like 25 (great number) different outcomes in my head going on and majority of them are quite positive, but them “other” ones are still daunting. i sometimes, well always tbh, feel like if i’m not standing firm on the Word than i’m not being a good Christian and need to find some way to figure out how be a better one….but then i’m likeeee i can always do much better with my faith, but i don’t think my faith being shaken is a good call to go praise. it feels more like a cover up like a child does when they got caught drawing on the wall or something. probably not the best analogy, but you get the point.

i truly believe God knows me inside & out, which means he knows how my brain works & that i’ll be constantly creating different endings to each story i become a part of..but then i start to question it, like bruh, couldn’t you make me with less anxiety, less worry & definitely less depression? i would love to be a “fuck it, it’ll be ok” type of person. i mean LOVE. i get so exhausted with worry that i can’t even describe the crazy scenario that i’ve dreamed up just because i know it sounds outlandishly horrible, but that doesn’t make it any less possible! whenever i get to this point i HAVE to remind myself of the tools i gained &/or refined in therapy because i can’t just forget all that work. that’s how this post started…i was spiraling out of control & then i remembered that i haven’t written in a week and a half so here i am, getting it all out. i hope some of this resonated with you because writing this all out truly made my head much clearer & i know i’m capable of handling whatever battles come my way. after all, God is in control & wouldn’t give me anything He ain’t think i could handle. (had to end with an old black christian proverb)

still learning

fellowship is vital to uplifting spirits. there’s a difference between complaining to everyone & notifying your people that you’re going through something.

i relearned a few things today. i’ll share them with y’all because today has been a big turn around for me as far as moods go. i was feeling all sad & defeated because i haven’t yet received a few things that i want in life.

  1. a prison/negative perspective will always cause you to doubt your destiny (s/o to elevation church)

  2. life will always be just that, life…which is hella unpredictable AF

  3. you always have the tools you need, but you may not know how to use them

  4. actually admitting (out loud) that you have no friggin clue is a big part of the journey because it invites help

  5. i’ve survived every bad day i’ve ever had (s/o to Blk Girl Daily)

these things literally changed my perspective & helped me to believe in myself when i thought i wasn’t worthy of the things that i want. i thought once i graduated from therapy that it meant that i could handle whatever would be thrown at me as easy as breathing…i was hella wrong, lol. this week i remembered why i sought out help in the first place & that my popping therapist gave me the tools to conquer my anxiety & depression. it just extra sucks when the first tool doesn’t work, then the second tool ain’t working & then i just feel all defeated and fall back into the spiral of negative thoughts. but you knowspottie (the name i gave my negative thoughts), is getting kicked by suni AND marigold because i’m the sugar honey ice tea with a splash of raspberry. i needed the reminder, but i also needed to humble myself & remember that i don’t have to carry this burden all alone. i have people in my corner, i have me in my corner & i have God, i can’t lose…& if i do, then that’s just another lesson i needed to learn.

intro to racism

it’s pretty well know that i am black. at least, i hope it is, lol. but if you ask my pop pop, paternal grandfather, then i am black, haleiwa* saponi, irish & scottish. he always had the longest list so i just copied it for years, but i recently did the dna test thing & it said that i’m blackity black hailing from different countries along the west coast of africa, a few sprinkles from europe & a slight splash of native american. all of these different bloodlines & paths came together to make lil ‘ol me & i looooooove it. i think it’s super cool, but there’s a large portion of the world that dislikes me just by looking at me. it’s pretty stupid, but i mean, stupidity has been running wild for much longer than humans have been able to document. but since we have the ability to change and learn, i’ll share this little gem from the book of nadia.

sooooo back in like ‘04 or something prehistoric like that, i was living in the countriest country of north carolina with my mom. this was the “it takes a village” part of my life because in st. pauls, it’s literally just us! granted, i’m a lynch and not a ray, mckinnon nor williams, i still have their blood all up and through me so duh, it still counts. anyways, unlike the rest of my close cousins who went to the public school in town, i went to a private school a couple towns over. it was nice, i’m not gon lie…but it was unnecessary as far as education goes, as far as life lessons, i learned plenty! (all in elementary school, btw) unlike most public schools or most schools in general, i think, there was only one class per grade. but it was a full school, starting at pre-k all the way to 12th grade and the class size was about like 10 per class. we were pretty close to say the least. (random fact: my educational years align with the calendar years. i.e. in ‘04 i was in fourth grade) oh, in this big yet small institution for education, i was the only black person in elementary and there were about 3 other black people older than me. (i’m being nice by saying 3, i remember 2 for sure because i had crushes on them lol) in this school that didn’t understand my poofy hair or that i got extra brown over the summers or that i couldn’t host the sleepover because my house didn’t have an in-ground pool, stairs, or more than one bathroom, i learned how to be quick witted and be much better than alla dem at everything! cheerleading, basketball, any sport really, math, english, any subject really, but don’t forget the jokes, i’ve always been funny & overly honest, which people think is funny. my major fault was my relationship with the teachers and other girls in my class. like i said, there were only like 10 people in each class so i was stuck with these little girls that i couldn’t stand! they were mean, bourgeois, probably definitely racist, and just annoying.

so there was an incident that made me painfully aware of my skin color. here we go.

one day in my fourth grade life, i was doing something i thought was very commendable, standing up for a frenemy because that’s what any protagonist in every movie would do. my class was headed to spanish class, yep, we had a spanish class, which i was also good at, lol. but anyways, there was this girl & guy that called themselves a couple. we’ll call them “shawty” & “doowop”, and shawty is obviously the girl. so shawty was actually half black & half white, but you couldn’t tell by looking at her and, tbh, i’m pretty positive she didn’t want to admit she was black at all. her hair was long & curly, but not really kinky curly so she was easily white passing. doowop was a country white boy with a million and one anger problems. on this particular day they were having troubles in what they called a relationship, but i’m sure someone just forgot to sharpen a pencil or something. tbh, i’m sure i’ve surpressed most of what happened around the incindent so i’ll just get to it now that your have all the background. their small relationship troubles turned into this craaaazy big argument that mrs. rodriguez definitely couldn’t handle. doowop was yelling at shawty in a scary way, the way the guy yelled at jlo in “enough.” we, all the girls, got involved and tried to help shawty by creating space between them because he was getting closer and closer to hitting her. doowop pushed each of the four girls aside to get to shawty, but i was the last one between them. when doowop got to me he knew better than to touch me, so he resorted back to yelling, but this time he resorted to racist slurs & threats. he screamed, “i’ll stab you, you niggeR!” (extra emphasis on the r & i remember him spitting a little too) that was the first time i was reminded of “my place.” i retreated. i couldn’t do anything at all, it felt. i was immobilized by it. i was weak. scared. mrs. rod was right there btw, finally calling the office. idk if shawty or the other girls came to my rescue or even if i actually cried, it’s all a blur. the next thing i remember is sitting in the office explaining the situation, but i felt more like i was being blamed for the whole thing. oh! did i mention the headmaster/principal was shawty’s grandfather?! HA! that probably had a ton to do with it. but yep, that was my intro to racism & i kept that to myself for years & hidden from parents for even longer. i don’t think i ever told my mom, tbh.

i’m not sharing this story in an effort for sympathy or anything, it’s just a part of my story. but it’ll never my entire story. i’m out here thriving & so much so that shawty messaged me on facebook to “catch up,” lol. like sisssss, we were never friends, lmao. she even sent an old photo, y’all i was weak! and still am, obviously. unfortunately, i can’t solve racism, but i surely will keep trying! you should too, because duh, it’s the right thing.

wisdom, i guess

bruh, let me tell ya’ll about this crazy ass week!

well, wait a minute, thanks to everyone that checked on me & my little wisdom teeth.you’re very appreciated!

ok so now, back to this craziness. last week was great, it felt good to write again & upload some fire flames to my portfolio (s/o to my shooters!). at work, my group pretty much got disbanded, lol. we all got split up with new assignments & new managers…then when i officially met my new manager (who seems super cool thus far) he then told me that i’m going to be switched again to a new assignment. my natural reaction was just, “lol, ok bruh.” he laughed & said he liked my attitude, which made me smile from the inside because maaaaan it’s been a battle at work for the past 8 months. so after that little meeting, everything was chill, but then the friday happened, dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn. wisdom teeth extraction day!

typically, i’m not too shook when it comes to doctors…that’s a lie, i’m just an award winning actress when it comes to certain things that i absolutely have to do. ok, so boom, i roll up to the office, check in & sit it on down. i’m regretting not getting sushi the day before & not smiling more because who knows what these crazy people could fck up. i finally get called back into the room & they’re all like “heyyyy girl!” tbh, it was weird but i was trying to be nice, lol. (you know no one was black or even colored in the office) one of the 3 comes in & starts doing my blood pressure, but that took much longer than it was supposed to because the machine kept messing up, which raised my anxiety, but whatever. the creepy old white guy came in & spoke, gave me a run down & sat with me til i was all the way asleep. he was talking about my nails & how he couldn’t use a vein in my hand, to which i responded, “yeah, they typically use my arm.” next thing i know i was waking up. it felt like i nap i wasn’t supposed to take, like i was running late for something, idk. i was rushed up & made aware that they were done & that they were gonna get my chauffeur. he met me in some dimly lit room & i’m sure they were speaking english, but it all sounded like jello dripping to the floor. we left to go get the meds, which took five-ever! i actually think we went to 5/6 different pharmacies. by this time, pain was settling IN!…as was the uncontrollable drool & some random sad emotions because my mouth had been ripped apart. for the rest of friday, i just off & on slept.

saturday though, i woke up, still numb on the right side. something is eerily wrong. coincidentally, the doc called, i let him know i still couldn’t feel my mouth. this little thing caught an attitude with me AND my at home nurse. he slipped up & said, “idk it it’ll work, you should’ve called me yesterday.” i’m like BRUH, yesterday?! when i was drugged & completely incoherent? so then i hung up & started crying uncontrollably. idk, idk. so we finally get the info we needed, we realized that we couldn’t go to the same pharmacy as yesterday because that was a hospital pharmacy…so we tried cvs & cvs said the doc needed to call them…meaning we gotta talk to the this dentist again. i’m not sure what else happened because i was pretty drugged, but i know i took my locs out & that i had to take like 6 more pills that day. & these baby pills had some side affects, honey. the biggest one? grand ol depression. i legit cried & went silent til monday. i couldn’t stop apologizing, eating & crying. the thoughts were crazy & dark, all i could do was blame myself…i felt stupid & worthless. also, i had planned to return to work on monday, btw, obviously, i’ve been on the couch all week. it was so bad ya’ll. but now i feel better, still uncomfortable & in a bit of pain, but mentally, i’m fabulous.

i appreciate the people in my life so much because they kept checking up on me…even after i turned off my phone because conversing was just too much for me to handle. i even got quite a few blessings in the dark time as well, i’m sure there’s a message in that too! but anyways, i’m ok. still recovering, but slow progress is still progress.

*smooches*

hey ya'll hey

heyyyyyy ya’ll!

i missed ya’ll fr. today i’m feeling detached & drained, but not sad so i guess that’s good. anyways, the only reason i had to take a mini break from writing is because i was just dog tired, lol. there was so much life happening that was completely out of my control like layoffs, people’s attitudes, even my position in the company i work for & their perceptions of me. it was a rough couple of weeks, but today i had a nagging feeling to write so here i am talking to ya’ll like i talk to myself. i don’t really have a goal for this one, i'‘m sure i’ll just be rambling, but i’m rolling with it!

let’s do some updates. i think my love life or whatever is going pretty well, it’s real chill like i like it. i randomly started drawing! & it came out decent! i spent more time than ever relearning my camera, *screams* “nikon gang!” i also think i have some inspiration for a special project that i’d like to have done by my birthday. i’ve done like 4 different shoots that i need to add to my portfolio. i’ve been spending more time alone, just to clear my head & make sure nadia is all good. i’ve been leaning on my parents more for this whole job stuff because ya girl is TIRED. booked a few vacations for the year, though i still dk what i’m doing for my birthday (august 25). i got back in the gym last week & cooking more, but i ordered out last night & found my new fav veggie fried rice. (my heart is singingggggg because i’m about to crush my left overs). what else….oh! i get my wisdom teeth out this friday & lowkey, i’m scared, but i know it’ll be fine lol.

tbh, i think that’s all i feel like saying. go tune into CNN, homie (michael cohen) is spilling all the tea on 45. be great, nerds.

*smooches*