so a lot of life is currently happening & i believe being still is crucial to mental health right now. granted, i have no clue of how to be still, i’m going to try my hardest. i’d appreciate your prayers as always. i know i’ll be ok, but i’m changing, growing…really transforming right now…& i just need space.

also, i posted some beautiful pics i shot while in spain in my photography portfolio & i have many more to add, so take a look!

thanks loves.
*smooches*

listen up man

are you listening to yourself? or are you listening to everyone else?

i don’t ask myself this enough. growing up in a strict household, being held to a super duper unrealistic standard from external forces (family, friends & everybody in between, including the perfect lives i see on social media) definitely HEAVILY impacted what is think nadia is “supposed” to do and have. i’ve only truly started living myself in the past 2 years. i actually just hit my 2 year anniversary of not giving a mother F! & if you know me, that basically means i stopped giving as much of an F not that i completely stopped because my virgo sun & rising ain’t letting that happen, ever lol. but no really, in the past two years i’ve dedicated more and more time to myself just to make sure i’m banking on my own thoughts rather than advice from everyone else. it’s still very much a journey, i guess that’s why i’m bringing it up again.

in the recent weeks, i’ve been burning myself right tf out. i didn’t think anything of it because i would always have fun once i got out of the crib, but mannnn it was a supreme tug of war between my couch and my jeep. so now i’m deciding to spend more time on my couch, lol. not because i’m feeling sad or depressed, but because i get really tired OR i just don’t feel like putting on pants lmao. you know how hard it is to get dressed when you’re in the middle of binging a show and the couch has that perfect warmth to it, pillow just soft enough and a snack calling your name?? very very difficult, lol. i used to and still occasionally do feel bad for going back on my rsvp or even fomo tries to come in, but then i just snuggle down in my couch a little more and everything’s perfect. i enjoy spending time with myself and i love making time for myself vs finding quiet moments in a very busy calendar. it gives me time so i don’t need to rush anything, i can do whatever i want including doing nothing at all. that’s still hard for me to do, but not the point. making time forces me to evaluate my life and decisions a couple good times without spiraling. afterall, i’m still on a journey to figure out my purpose and i’m reminded of it every day in both positive and negative ways. in my me time, i listen to myself the most. it’s kind of funny that i have to listen to myself to stay in to listen to myself some more, lol. it works for me, though. i haven’t been journaling as much as i think i should, but i forgive myself for that because i’ve been talking it out with God or just to myself, lol, without feeling silly at all. i validate myself in this time. my wants, needs, experiences, even my emotions, which is a major thing for since i have this kink of needing everything to make logical sense…it never does lol.

this past weekend gave me some impromptu quiet time because my phone refused to work, smdh! but it was actually pretty chill and i had to get a little creative with some communications. i had enough time to myself to be nice and not binge on bad foods because i had enough energy to eat better! (because we all know it’s super duper easy to just pick up some hot fries on the way home) idk, i just loved my alone time. making decisions for me without consulting anyone because it only concerned me. i haven’t felt that in a while & it was refreshing af! it also was a little scary because it set off some real superpower in me because i realized i have so much more power over my mind, body and circumstances than i act on. i’ve been playing the victim role a little bit, but i also am still trying to figure out what it means to “be still” in the God sense, ya know? mostly because i know that i know whatever happens next will only be by His grace, as my life has been. it’s a relief to hand over the responsibility, but it’s also a little confusing because “faith without works is dead..” soooooo like, what’s tea on that? if you know or want to discuss, please let me know! til then i’ll just be rapping with G and listening more to what nadia wants to do. you should too.

listen to yourself, not me, lol. but if you make some wild decisions don’t come back yelling at me now, haha.

*smooches*

my why

after creating this site and publishing my diary, the most feedback i received was always about my bravery, fearlessness and vulnerability…mostly just wondering why. every single answer i’ve given has contained different reasons and highlights in it, but i think i’ve finally nailed it down. i do this because…i have to. now, i realize that’s still vague lol, so i’ll list a few reasons why i have to so you completely understand.

  1. i grew up a very serious introvert, but not because i was nervous or whatever the typical reasons are for introversion. i just didn’t want to disappoint anyone by being too loud, feeling too deeply, or let anyone know that i had feelings at all. through my diary, i’m actively sharing and keeping myself open to emotions…which is still very much a struggle, but my emotional intelligence has drastically increased due to spending time with them rather than running from them.

  2. i’m on a life journey to find my purpose, which i take very seriously…but that also makes me very very sad, discouraged, depressed & anxious because i just want to know already! writing and expressing this helps me to relate to others while allowing me to shed a layer of fear that i’ll never figure it out.

  3. i make myself vulnerable in order to know that whatever i’m going through will be ok, but also to encourage everyone else! i highly dislike the “perfect life” facade that is everywhere so i decided to share deep and dark parts of me that i wear every day to hopefully help the next imperfect person.

  4. i’m multifaceted. there are certain parts of myself that are not allowed in certain arenas…& it’s exhausting to keep up. i wanted to create my own world where i can be my FULL self totally and completely.

these 4 reasons are my why. i feel like they are pieces of me and prayerfully, they are pieces of my purpose…otherwise, i’ll be regrouping and restarting lol. but that’s fine, i’m committed to figuring it out and pleasing God in the process. i’m not positive where i will go in this life…but i know creating my own lane has helped me in ways that i can’t truly describe.

hopefully this has helped you in some way, if not, contact me & we’ll talk some more, lol. i love doing this work and i pray it continues to grow me. THANK YOU to all of my weekly readers, my once in a while readers, visitors just for my portfolio or however you ended up here. i don’t think it was by accident, :). happy anniversary/birthday to my site!

*smooches*

reboot & relax

life is so random, lol. jobs, people, events, blessings, and just about everything in life just happens. occasionally with influence from what you’re actually doing, but a lot of times without any say from you at all. i think that’s why it’s so important to be still and let God, the universe and whatever other forces are out there to just do their thing so i can just ride the wave. not gonna front, when i initially heard this advice and then kept hearing this advice, i was super duper against it! like all the stuff i have control over, i take pride in, but the things i want to happen and accomplish are going to take much more than what i can control to come together in a perfect recipe. plus, having to be in control of everything all the time is HELLA stressful! and just about every single time i would find myself throwing a huge tantrum because things slipped out of my control, which would almost always turn into an episode of depression and super negative thoughts about how i must not be worthy of the thing that i so desperately want, which couldn’t be further from the truth. i’m worthy of everything i want, but that doesn’t mean i’ll get it when i want it or that i’ll get it all. the not getting it at all still stings a bit, but when it does i just refocus on all that i currently have that i never really imagined having. i’m soooooooooo blessed and so are you! we just get too carried away with comparisons, wants and just being outright spoiled, lol. like every time we get a piece of candy or even better, money, we instantly want more. i guess that’s human nature, but being truly grateful for my current blessings is the icing of my life.

the refocus is literally my crutch in life right now. i’m still finding the balance between feeling my feelings all the way through and not denying or brushing them off, but for the most part i can just refocus or reboot my headspace to think myself happy af! i’m still on my positive porsha kick and tbh, it’s been great! i think i’m just intentionally breaking my negative and anxious habit, which is the definition of freeing! i still don’t have all the answers, but i feel better about me and my life and that’s all i really wanted. doing this small, but powerful thing helps my controlling self to relax, lmao. i think i’ve leveled up in my faith because i just keep reminding myself, “if He’s done it once, He can do it again.” especially since He’s been blessing things that i ain’t even ask for! and if that ain’t a good and country testimony right there, then idk what is!

quick life message that i recently learned: it’ll work out. just because you can’t see how it’ll work out doesn’t mean that it won’t.

*smooches*

positively not toxic

so i guess i took a huge step into the negative pond with all the nonsense going on in life because i’m feeling it shed off of me every time i correct my negative thoughts. i don’t want to discount the bs that was going on in my life because shit was hard, lmao, but i let it take me down a whole lot more than i want to even admit. i want to say a huge thank you to everyone for being patient with my attitudes and whatever i dished out because i know it got rough. you know how you reflect on an event or simple interaction and get upset because you just weren’t yourself? i didn’t recognize myself…& sometimes i still don’t, but that’s ok. my growth and life journey isn’t linear and i doubt it ever will be. that’s boring, lol. but i’m manifesting a positive life path. i can control what i think and say…that’s something i can work on every single day, which helps me get through.

today and for the past few days, i’ve felt free. able to think and just be…and read myself for filth lol. it was like nadia was doing things that everyone else wanted her to and then trying to put my spirit into it…instead of leading with my spirit. it’s really weird, but i’ve felt like a zombie pretty much or even a ghost/spirit watching my body go & do things, lol. whether i thought it was right, wrong or indifferent i still just went with it. *shrugs* all this to say, i no longer feel this way. i feel very much in control of myself and life, with God of course. me and Him have gotten closer and He’s definitely been speaking to me, but it’s taken me a good while to sit with it and try not to morph it into what i want or how to make it make more sense, ya know? y’all know i overthink, lol. just imagine that episode of spongebob where he threw out everything in his brain except that one file drawer…remember everything was on fire? that’s meeeeee. going a mile a min trying to find the right file for this situation and then dissecting why each file doesn’t quite fit this specific situation. now i realize, DUH, it’s a new situation that requires a new response and new methods to figure it out. nothing wrong with not knowing what to do and how to do it, the problem is thinking i’m supposed to have it figured out and not asking for help and not praying.

i am better than i was yesterday. that makes me smile and brings me a peace that i’m not allowing anyone to change. last week i decided to take my headspace even more seriously. i talk a lot, lol, and i think even more than that! both what i say and think about myself are so critically important to my growth and life. idk why it dawned on me last week, but i’m thankful it did! i’ve been SO mean to myself in my thought process from impostor syndrome to straight up low self esteem and expecting the worst at all times. so i decided that i’m not doing it anymore. i’m tired of making myself sadder than sad by meditating on a negative thought. i’m leveling up my armor against my negative self. i need to have better control over my thoughts so that i don’t fall into depression and anxiety so often. my biggest key here is not to slip into toxic positivity. bad things do happen, unfortunately, but i have to accept them just as i accept the bad. no need to meditate on how bad it is nor make it worse. i have to accept, see how i can make my participation in it better and move right tf on. this brings me to a phrase that i cannot stand! “at least..” don’t “at least” my discrepancies. por ejemplo; i lost my wallet and if you were to use the phrase it would go something like, “at least you didn’t rip your pants.” 1. what in the world type of comparison. 2. this phrase discounts my feels because it is comparing my sucky feeling to something that is sucky, but doesn’t relate to me and even if it did, idc. i’m dealing with a lost wallet so just let me deal.

it’s all a balance after all. this is my verbal confirmation that i’m actively trying to be more positive and giving permission to be corrected whenever i start talking down on myself. it starts with me and i hope you all will join me, too!

sit it on down

we taking all the risks big fella. tbh, i talk about taking risks a lot and i know i think it’s very very very important to step out on faith and bet on you….but it’s also just as important to sit & be still. that’s what i’m working towards now. my focus keeps shifting from building myself into a superhero to picking up the jagged and probably missing pieces of a dollar tree puzzle.

at all times…my mind is moving. i have the power to choose which way it goes; positive or negative, but mostly i feel out of control with it. i’m actively beating down the negative thoughts with positive and actually true thoughts. even while celebrating my birthday, when the walk got too long or the food wasn’t as great or whatever happened…i started blaming myself and hoping that my people aren’t mad at me for bringing them here. so how did i overcome this thought? i told myself, matter-of-factly, if they didn’t want to come they wouldn’t have and waiting for things is a part of life and reflects on my planning skills in no way, shape or form. another one popped up because i couldn’t help falling asleep early every night for some reason…that i now know is a really strong menstrual cycle, lol. i thought they’d be pissed at me for being a party pooper and ruining the night, but nope! they went out or stayed in or whatever they wanted to do to make sure they had a great time. they even attempted to wake me and mega kudos for that because i know i was knocked and probably gave them the death stare if i woke up at all, lol. so i looked at the positive, they tried to wake me, they took care of me, and weren’t mad at me at all. plus, i woke up super rested and got all the tea from the night out. listening to it was fun because my friends are hilarious, but it was also like i was taking jabs because i wish i was there! then i just remind myself of what i needed and that no one is upset with me. plus we have other memories i can think of when i start comparing too much. currently, this tactic/coping mechanism is saving me! it’s too easy to go down that slippery slope of negativity, but with this method of correcting my negative thoughts, i can think a bit clearer.

this is just one method of sitting still…i’ll be getting deeper into meditation and simply staying in the house and not feeling bad about it. i can say no. i’m not obligated to say yes or to never change my mind. life happens to everyone and we’re all trying to figure it out…one moment at a time.

boundaries

disclaimer: this is not a cry for help, but a realization.

i’m a loner. but not in the sense of always wanting to be alone, i feel like i’m forced into it by living here in detroit. i try & have gone to crazy lengths to become friends with people or to build strong relationships with people…that only care about what i can do for them. we probably all go through this and i’ve been avoiding the topic for a while because i was forcing myself to give everybody excuses to why i felt this way.

it’s like this. i’ll invite people out & a few may show up…late, but if i’m invited and i say i’m going to be there then that’s exactly what i’m going to do. OR randomly doing fun things, i do them alone because once again if i ask anyone they’re likely busy or already out without me. but i should go meet up them, right? it makes me feel like leftovers. but IF i choose to show up, it’s all love even extra love. it’s a really weird dynamic & i’m to a point where it hurts like hell & i’m tired of it. i’ve been setting boundaries with people, saying no more often and truly taking care of myself, but a niggah is EXHAUSTED. at what cost tho? damned if i do and damned if don’t. if i stay to myself and only go out when invited then i’ll never do anything. if i keep inviting myself, i’ll keep feeling like a tagalong. if i keep inviting people that i know won’t show up, then i \’m only hurting myself. my mom and older black folks always told me, “if they wanted you there they’d invite you.” so why am i still asking to join a group or to be invited to whatever is going on? i gotta chill, right? but then in the same breath, it could be an honest mistake of forgetting me for 3 years or people go through their own stuff so they can’t reach out to me or i could really be stand off-ish and don’t know it. idk the answer, but i do know that i’m going to have to get more acquainted with really being alone. all the time. it’s legit been my life since elementary. i find out about everything late, i’m continually feeling like an afterthought. the last time i felt like this was actually pretty recent, but i was going through an episode at that time so i thought i was tripping. but now i think i’m seeing it pretty clearly. i’m not for everybody and everybody damn sure ain’t for me. and that’s ok. it just took a while for me to sit with it & not be so hurt all the time.

it’s almost the same with my friends out of town, too. mostly because of the distance tho. when we can, we do & that’s how my friendships with my closest people has always worked. i tried to just lean on them with the hope of getting stronger relationships here in the city, but i can’t do that because that’s wayyyy too much to put on people and at the end of the day they have lives as well.

even re-reading all of this and reconsidering posting it after taking some time to actually let it go & get over it…idk, it all still resonates. my birthday is this weekend and i’m looking to my core group to help me celebrate of course, but i do still wish some relationships were stronger than they are, but i’m also overjoyed at the relationships that have crazy strength. i love my people and i try my best to not take them for granted, but the fact is still that i’m a loner, lol. but i won’t be for my birthday and for that i’m soooooooooo excited!

that's my type, kinda

if you’re really quick with it, you may have seen me post on my ig story that i was going to do a late post in my diary…well, sorry because i got stressed & decided to sit & do nothing.

but it’s a new week! & my birthday is coming soon! like sooner than soon & i had no idea august was going to fly by like this, lol. but anyways! the topic that one of my friends thought of was my “type" and i instantly started laughing because it’s soooooo simple, but also not at all. *shrugs*

ok, so…i always thought my destined type was some tall light bright man because that was literally the only type that came my way, lol. every single time i tried any other type of man, it just went down faster than you can say “oops.” so i just accepted my fate to be with a light bright man, lol…..until, i accepted that not only do i love different colors of men, but women as well. (evil laugh, lmao)

i’ll start with the ladies since i have manners.

women are women and that’s the type that i like, lmao. it’s a mega plus if they’re artsy or spiritual because i just find it so beautiful. i really can’t give more insight other than that, lol. a familiar trend though, is height & a gorgeous smile. i don’t really like or attracted to anyone that’s shorter than me, but with women they can be my height. (for men, nuh uh) confidence and boldness that comes to me before i can show mine takes me all the way back, lol. i be like, “oh really??” i definitely like for her to be a responsible human & i guess you can define that however you like.

now for the men. i want to do a complete 180 and list all these things that a man has to have in order to get my attention, just to be irky lol. truth is, it’s not that much different from a woman, besides the fact he has to be taller than me and thicker than me. please please have high hygiene rituals because i just cannot, lol.

this is too hard, lol. trying to separate my likes of each gender separately is annoying lol. yall know i like both so the rest of this post goes for both. i like a sense of personal style and independence, it’s so beautiful to me! OH, hair! i love hair at any length, i just like for the person to own it. not the misogynist rhetoric of someone’s hair needing to come from their scalp, lol. i mean wear it with confidence as if the cut, color, shape up or baldie is made just for you. i like active humans, ya know the kind to randomly go run or just play outside like a kid, lol. i can get really lazy if nothing provokes me to get up so i can’t be with someone that’s the same because we’ll end up doing nothing at all, lol. money money money, tbh, i think i’m at a point where i can comfortably say that the amount they make definitely impacts my choice to pursue them, but the way they manage it matters much more. financial literacy is extra important and with the goals i’m trying to hit, i can’t carry them while doing me. ooooh, intelligence is sexy asl and so is knowing how to communicate. i take that last part very very seriously. i don’t like having to fight to speak nor be heard and if i feel that i have to, then i’ll likely just stop talking and keep it pushing.

sorry this isn’t super duper juicy, lol. i just like what i like. *shrugs* also, i’m currently out of the game so please no shots. lmao.