boundaries

disclaimer: this is not a cry for help, but a realization.

i’m a loner. but not in the sense of always wanting to be alone, i feel like i’m forced into it by living here in detroit. i try & have gone to crazy lengths to become friends with people or to build strong relationships with people…that only care about what i can do for them. we probably all go through this and i’ve been avoiding the topic for a while because i was forcing myself to give everybody excuses to why i felt this way.

it’s like this. i’ll invite people out & a few may show up…late, but if i’m invited and i say i’m going to be there then that’s exactly what i’m going to do. OR randomly doing fun things, i do them alone because once again if i ask anyone they’re likely busy or already out without me. but i should go meet up them, right? it makes me feel like leftovers. but IF i choose to show up, it’s all love even extra love. it’s a really weird dynamic & i’m to a point where it hurts like hell & i’m tired of it. i’ve been setting boundaries with people, saying no more often and truly taking care of myself, but a niggah is EXHAUSTED. at what cost tho? damned if i do and damned if don’t. if i stay to myself and only go out when invited then i’ll never do anything. if i keep inviting myself, i’ll keep feeling like a tagalong. if i keep inviting people that i know won’t show up, then i \’m only hurting myself. my mom and older black folks always told me, “if they wanted you there they’d invite you.” so why am i still asking to join a group or to be invited to whatever is going on? i gotta chill, right? but then in the same breath, it could be an honest mistake of forgetting me for 3 years or people go through their own stuff so they can’t reach out to me or i could really be stand off-ish and don’t know it. idk the answer, but i do know that i’m going to have to get more acquainted with really being alone. all the time. it’s legit been my life since elementary. i find out about everything late, i’m continually feeling like an afterthought. the last time i felt like this was actually pretty recent, but i was going through an episode at that time so i thought i was tripping. but now i think i’m seeing it pretty clearly. i’m not for everybody and everybody damn sure ain’t for me. and that’s ok. it just took a while for me to sit with it & not be so hurt all the time.

it’s almost the same with my friends out of town, too. mostly because of the distance tho. when we can, we do & that’s how my friendships with my closest people has always worked. i tried to just lean on them with the hope of getting stronger relationships here in the city, but i can’t do that because that’s wayyyy too much to put on people and at the end of the day they have lives as well.

even re-reading all of this and reconsidering posting it after taking some time to actually let it go & get over it…idk, it all still resonates. my birthday is this weekend and i’m looking to my core group to help me celebrate of course, but i do still wish some relationships were stronger than they are, but i’m also overjoyed at the relationships that have crazy strength. i love my people and i try my best to not take them for granted, but the fact is still that i’m a loner, lol. but i won’t be for my birthday and for that i’m soooooooooo excited!

that's my type, kinda

if you’re really quick with it, you may have seen me post on my ig story that i was going to do a late post in my diary…well, sorry because i got stressed & decided to sit & do nothing.

but it’s a new week! & my birthday is coming soon! like sooner than soon & i had no idea august was going to fly by like this, lol. but anyways! the topic that one of my friends thought of was my “type" and i instantly started laughing because it’s soooooo simple, but also not at all. *shrugs*

ok, so…i always thought my destined type was some tall light bright man because that was literally the only type that came my way, lol. every single time i tried any other type of man, it just went down faster than you can say “oops.” so i just accepted my fate to be with a light bright man, lol…..until, i accepted that not only do i love different colors of men, but women as well. (evil laugh, lmao)

i’ll start with the ladies since i have manners.

women are women and that’s the type that i like, lmao. it’s a mega plus if they’re artsy or spiritual because i just find it so beautiful. i really can’t give more insight other than that, lol. a familiar trend though, is height & a gorgeous smile. i don’t really like or attracted to anyone that’s shorter than me, but with women they can be my height. (for men, nuh uh) confidence and boldness that comes to me before i can show mine takes me all the way back, lol. i be like, “oh really??” i definitely like for her to be a responsible human & i guess you can define that however you like.

now for the men. i want to do a complete 180 and list all these things that a man has to have in order to get my attention, just to be irky lol. truth is, it’s not that much different from a woman, besides the fact he has to be taller than me and thicker than me. please please have high hygiene rituals because i just cannot, lol.

this is too hard, lol. trying to separate my likes of each gender separately is annoying lol. yall know i like both so the rest of this post goes for both. i like a sense of personal style and independence, it’s so beautiful to me! OH, hair! i love hair at any length, i just like for the person to own it. not the misogynist rhetoric of someone’s hair needing to come from their scalp, lol. i mean wear it with confidence as if the cut, color, shape up or baldie is made just for you. i like active humans, ya know the kind to randomly go run or just play outside like a kid, lol. i can get really lazy if nothing provokes me to get up so i can’t be with someone that’s the same because we’ll end up doing nothing at all, lol. money money money, tbh, i think i’m at a point where i can comfortably say that the amount they make definitely impacts my choice to pursue them, but the way they manage it matters much more. financial literacy is extra important and with the goals i’m trying to hit, i can’t carry them while doing me. ooooh, intelligence is sexy asl and so is knowing how to communicate. i take that last part very very seriously. i don’t like having to fight to speak nor be heard and if i feel that i have to, then i’ll likely just stop talking and keep it pushing.

sorry this isn’t super duper juicy, lol. i just like what i like. *shrugs* also, i’m currently out of the game so please no shots. lmao.

3 whole a** years

wow, bruh! i really just hit year 3 in the D! (that was a cute rhyme lol)

i can’t even begin to explain how God has kept me in the past three years. like, wow! He has truly used everything i’ve been through to teach and grow me into the human i am today. i know yall don’t think it was all me, but i just had to throw up another huge thank you because lawdhamercy, i ain’t think i was going to make it.

so my actual anniversary was july 18, but tbh, i wasn’t very happy at the time. i was very confused about nearly everything. love, work, purpose, side hustles, friendships, even food, lol. yall, i was going through itttttttttt. mercury was in microbraids or retrograde, depends on your twitter usage. i think the source of my episode was disappointment in myself. it’s natural to reflect on life once you hit anniversaries and other milestones, but i may have went a bit overboard. i started meditating on all the wrong things. the sentence, “i was supposed to gone by now, i didn’t think i’d still be here…what am i still doing here?” circled in my mind worse than a tornado funnel. nothing was stopping it…plus i kept it to myself for way too long. when i first moved here, i went through adjustment depression and anxiety in my new big girl corporate job because i was NOT fulfilled. it sucked. making friends was a struggle, let alone trying to continue modeling and the other artsy things that i love to do. because of all this, i had a clear vision of running away from all the problems…naturally, lol. year one…was a huge test to say the least. i think my biggest lesson was, in the words of Bey, “you can give your all and do everything right…and still fail.” which SUCKS, but it taught me to put less pressure on myself, but that’s obviously still an ongoing lesson. year 2 was very clearly the year i began to choose me, actively. year 3, i lived and am living OUT LOUD. i’m moving out of my own way, trying things i once thought i wasn’t worthy of, allowing myself to feel things (even though i’m still not a big fan, lol). each year in detroit has taught me so much about myself and continues to do so.

i now own property, support countless detroit owned business and even work for them, and i even have people in my circle that i can forever count on. i never thought any of these great things were possible, but detroit has pushed me in every way to become a better human to myself and others. i can’t thank the city enough.

hella questions

self discovery is literally the wildest ride.

my head is spinning. do i love me? do i like me? do i even know me?

yes, i know these are living, breathing questions that should have simple answers, but don’t. i think witnessing all the love and freedom in nola brought some insecurities up…plus ya know pms has a great way of making you doubt yourself and everything around you. the longer i stayed in nola, the more my confidence dwindled. weird, i know. the internal battle was crazy real. i was in a beautiful city with my beautiful best friends and everything was pretty perfect…but in my head i was suffering. i battled with it for a good while and didn’t want to share this, but i truly think that idk myself for myself. i know who i am in relation to others, but who i am to just me is a bit more difficult to answer.

trying to find an answer to a living question will never be easy. i know that. by “living” question, i mean a question that changes with you. it grows as you grow. i don’t dislike myself, but there’s this persistent feeling that i’m not myself or why i even think this. i do what i’m told and what i want, that’s pretty freeing or at least i think it should be. i don’t feel free. i feel contained. blocked. controlled. maybe that’s why i do such random things. idk if people see me for me or if they have me completely confused…but i can’t even answer that if idk who i am. i think this constant indecision leaks over to my interactions with others, too. i question everything. i make everyone out to be the bad guy and i’m the victim. if “they” did this, then i would be good. or if i had a crew of people or a significant other, or more money, or a passion, or a defined purpose, THEN i’d be good. truth is, i can’t put life off until those things happen and that’s the hard part…i gotta live through it.

i’m constantly worried about everything and that’s exhausting. draining. it’s funny that when i don’t try is when i actually do my best. which….just doesn’t make sense! lol. i understand that nothing is linear and i definitely don’t know as much as i seem to, but at some point life should make some sense, right? isn’t that the hope? not everything, of course, but some experiences should eventually make sense. i think i’m in a state of nothing making sense and every time i try to make sense of it….you guessed it, it falls apart!

do you know who you are? do you like you? love you?

i pray that you do, i don’t want you to feel the way i do…but if you do, know you’re not alone.

*smooches*

it’s life, i think

sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way you see it in your head…& that’s ok, that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you’re a bad person. it literally means that this thing, whatever it is, is not for you right now…or ever.

i put way too much pressure on the plan i have in my head. i always think life works like a math equation, 2+2 always equals 4, so if i do xyz it should yield these results…& life is like, “mmmmmk, but no.” doesn’t mean i’m not deserving and worthy of the happy plan that i had, i don’t think it means anything at all really. it’s just a fact. we don’t get most of the things that we want in life, but we keep living. keep trying. just keep going. and i can’t shut down out of frustration or complete pissed off-ness. i gotta remain open & flowing because shutting down for me usually results in much more destructive harm than any good. there are far too many lessons in life to be learned and other “its” that i could block by getting stuck on the fact that my magical plan didn’t work out how i thought it would.

it’s funny or annoying that whenever i get really into my writing or journal while i’m in the peak of the frustration that i uncover some truth about myself. in this case it’s that i’m still very much a control freak, even though i’ve tried not to be for years. i’m pretty sure it stems from fear, which fuels my adaptable spirit for damn near everything, but i now know that comes off like i have no worries and i’m superwoman or some shit. i’m. not. i worry about worrying more than i care to admit…but knowing that helps me manage it in a weird way. i can talk my brain down because the answers i wish i had truly only come with time, yet it still feels like a cop out. i can’t control anything in this life, besides myself and sometimes that is too much, lol. i truly long to be able to let go and just live out loud without worry, but i ain’t built like that, lol. i probably never will be and that’s fine, but for now i’ll keep working to keep my fear in check and be real with myself. i don’t have it all together and i’m not supposed to. my brain is likely to keep making up stories and get fixated on a single story or path, but i need to stay open to whatever else may happen, whether good, bad or indifferent…i’ll be ok.

so will you.

*smooches*

i really went to essence fest!

BRUHHHHHHH.

i’m still in shock tbh. literal shock. can’t stop looking at photos. (click the travel tab to see some pics that you won’t find on my insta) i’m trying to reminisce too much, but i can’t help it!

so the birthday gal and i left detroit for nola last tuesday and we were already receiving mega blessings that let us know this trip was going to be blessed and highly favored. she got bumped to first class on our flight, but she says save your money the only difference was the chair and snack choice, lol. i know she enjoyed it tho, i was in the back reading and actually wrote last week’s post on flight so the next day i would just have to press publish. we touched down and our trio was complete! and they even let me go to waffle house before going to our home for the week. that’s real love right there. she will forever call me basic for wanting that instead of the good and country food, but i missed waffle house, lol. we ate, went home and just enjoyed each other because we haven’t been all together in a little while, plus the whole week was packed.

wednesday, we explored. AND almost melted! that nola is not a game and is not for the week. i rarely sweat at all, but i was drenched after standing outside to pay for parking. it was looney toon, but worth it. we ate at the ruby slipper (bomb af) and then we toured the french quarter and walked around aimlessly until we found a daiquiri shop, which are literally everywhere. i’m talking drive thru and all. this one was the big easy, which i guess is a staple because i noticed everywhere afterwards. birthday girl and i got a mixed daiquiri and jello shots…but the jello shots were in syringes. it was interesting at first, to say the least. after trying them, i was sold, lol. i loved them! plus we could take them with us, which made them extra great. there was no way i was finishing them both before walking out. after tackling our first day with the heat we took a well deserved nap! (y’all know i love my naps) we woke up and went back to the french quarter for dinner since the other major spots that we wanted to try were super packed. we had a beautiful dinner, with a bottle of wine that is now my new favorite. that restaurant was perfect placed for people watching on the street and in the dining room. apparently, we stuck out like sore thumbs because a few people asked us, “y’all not from here, huh?” lol, it was cool though, especially since someone ended up paying for our wine. afterwards we hit bourbon street! and that’s that on that.

thursday was Essence in the Park! we meant to get up early, but sleep was necessary. we made it to the park in time to mc lyte and phony ppl perform by complete surprise! i actually slacked on being prepared and planned out for this trip because it was so overwhelming, so i had no clue there were performances, lol. i thought it was just going to be a big cookout with food trucks and a dj. people were having a great time, but some were also passing out because of the heat…and that’s when we decided that we better go get water and ac until fireworks later on that night anyways. after recouping from the heat, we went down to cafe du monde for the famous beignets & baby, i could’ve survived on those alone. but i love food too much, lol. after getting the goods we found a great spot on the river to watch the show. it was so beautiful. i haven’t watched fireworks in a few years and being there with my girls was such a peaceful and beautiful moment.

friday was technically the first day of the essence fest, but saturday and sunday had just about the same theme. everything took place between the convention center(shops, food, music, fireside chats, & more) and the superdome(music). i want to send a super shout out to God because His favor was all over us this weekend! we met SO many people, including ari lennox, crissle & kid fury, look at dustin, megan good, jemelle hill, and more! being so close to these popping people truly gave us an extra boost, especially because they were so extremely nice and normal. they were scattered all over the city, too. most of them we met randomly exploring the city right before going to the concert later that night. but the convention center was packed with opportunity! it literally had everything you could think of. there were around 20 different black owned restaurants, at least a thousand black owned businesses varying in size, health and wellness booths, larger company support (walmart, mcdonalds, coca cola, ford & at&t), about four different stages where you could listen to fireside chats or see your favorite performers, even a stage for karaoke! it had everything you could dream of and it was FREE. entry into this magical place was as free as could be. there was black excellence, elegance and brilliance everywhere! it was empowering! black women, black babies, black men coming together for a great black time. my heart is still overflowing. AND on top of all this greatness, we had floor seats to the three day concerts! you can find the line up everywhere, but my absolute favorites were my virginia legends and the atl performance. missy misdemeanor elliott tore the stage down!! then teddy riley brought out timbaland and pharrell…just imagine it. all the movers of music just jamming on stage and remixing their portfolio to make us love it even more and in a new way. i think i cried. no joke! it was overwhelming! PLUS they had more intimate concerts going on in the superlounges where i saw nao, elle varner, bj the chicago kida and so many more! it was a great black time. a beautiful black time. i’m more than thankful that i got to experience the 25th anniversary of the festival right before i turn 25. i felt aligned, inspired and valued.

i can’t give it the justice it deserves. you’re just going to have to go for yourself!

*smooches*

shut up & try

i’ve always been terrified that i would never be [a bunch of adjectives] enough. it was just a recurring and insistent fear. it was so strong that i was the mute of the little cousins, lol. i was super quiet & usually the one getting hurt when we all played, but i swear that wasn’t my fault, lol. i just wanted to be as chill and carefree as everyone else appeared to be, but i always ended up making everyone have to go inside early bc i fell, got stuck, seriously scratched or broke something. idk if that’s a result of me trying so hard or if i’m actually just that clumsy. nevertheless, i was nadia enough. i was too afraid of what everyone would think if i didnt do something, said no too harshly, played too hard, was too slow or fast, or just too this and not enough that. 

i have always received pretty positive remarks about my outside parts and more recently about my inside. but it’s still really hard for me to take a compliment, believe anyone is serious when they think all these great things about me, etc. but one adjective that i’ve heard all my life is “fearless.” i dont believe i’m fearless, i can explicitly name my fear, lol. idk when it shifted, but it did. i went from having panic attacks before i ever tried something new to being terrified of what will happen to my growth if i don’t try. 

i’m typically questioned, “how do you model, engineer, mentor &/or create?” my answer is always the same! “i just try shit out.” that’s really all i do. whether it’s asking someone out romantically, doing a lingerie shoot, or even creating a blog, i’m just trying something that’s always been in my head. i’m afraid to not go for it. i’m not afraid to fail, i’m probably expecting failure too much, but we’ll save that for a different post. 

i grew up a professional multitasker. i’m an honest product of my father, the football coaching, architecting and preaching barber, and my mother, the teaching, counseling, singing, creating, decorating, wedding planning photographer. lol, they do so much more but i just wanted to give you a snippet. i knew there were plenty of things that i was good at, but i’d have to pick one and then do everything else on the side. so obviously, i picked the one that was more or less guaranteed money. i’ve moved around a bit, meaning adaptability is a skill i’m forever working on. wearing numerous hats and adapting to each setting im placed in doesn’t leave room for fear. not the fear of attempting anyways. of course i still get mega nervous, but if i didn’t/don’t go for the big thing then i’ll never grow. i’ll never know for myself if i’m capable of playing without seriously injuring myself, lol (even if i do, i’m on my parents insurance for a little bit longer so everything will be fine). 

just remember that you ARE enough. more than enough, to be honest. we just have to keep trying and trying some more until we figure it out. it may take a while but that’s fine, think of it as an adventure because it is! never know when you find the perfect combo to create your happy ending, but whenever you do, i’m sure you’ll want to learn a new combo. that’s how it is for me, anyways lol.

*smooches*

rollercoaster

you know how the world feels like it’s crashing and burning for like WEEKS?…then the dust finally settles aka you cry it all out and release all the emotions you were keeping tucked away because you thought you could handle them by your lonesome when in reality you need a village of people to help you understand everything your own brain is trying to tell you. after that, you everything through a sepia toned lens. everything is just chill, you can accept life for what it is without trying to control…or at least trying to not control it as much, lol. my lens became a beautiful blue this past few days and YALL, it’s gorgeous! idk what i did…well i kinda do know. i just started saying “why not” a whole lot more and trying shit that i never thought i’d be good at and it’s been received in a way that surprised tf outta me! i’m being much more genuine and doing things that i want to do on my terms, with my own voice, and breathing in the confidence that people have always told me that i had. coming out a depressed episode is usually never easy and that’s been the same for this go round, but the more i acknowledged what i was actually feeling, rather than running from it, the more i healed from it. also, my fear of it returning definitely fueled some of my “why not” spirit! my thought process was this: try anyway, you said no to a lot while you were depressed, but that’s over so you have to try. i probably have a few run on sentences and i’m not going to edit them because i had coffee today and my mind is literally going a mile a minute, lol.

last week, i had maybe 4 different opportunities to take my brand to a new level through personal growth conversations with my mom, collaborating with others (the unstoppable mvmnt!) and just working working. i feel powerful and full. even when sitting in the corporate office, talking to people is much easier because i know i’m not stuck here. yes, i know i have many more things to do, but i know in my heart of hearts that this isn’t anywhere close to my end story.

…so super duper transparent moment. something happened at work that really shook me up because y’all know me & this environment don’t really vibe. i really let it take over the rest of my day…i became irritable, pissed & sad. all because idk what’s about to happen, which is normal, but it felt so mfn ominous. like whaaaaaat tf do they want from me. i kept it together during the work day, but that wasn’t too too hard because i had a bunch of stuff come up…but soon as i got home i started to feel worse. i did some artsy thing, nailed it & still felt bad. i made myself watch something tear worthy after venting to my best friend because i could feel the tears, but they wouldn’t drop. i think it worked for the most part. the negative feeling was/is still here, but i’m accepting & letting go. after all, i’m on in control of my reaction…so my reaction was full on rage, lol. but you see, that “lol” is so important because i was able get it all out. am i still pissed? HELL + YES. but i have next steps & other things to focus on. i needed to cry, curse, & scream to really let it go (i wish i had kickboxing today), but i finally let go. like i said way before the bs ensued, this ain’t the end of my road.