first dose

So, it was never ever my intent to really let people in the way I’m about to, but the way I’m currently feeling this is a MUST. Venting is the only thing that feels right at the moment, especially since I cut out retail therapy and comfort food to reach monetary and physical goals I have. Bare with me, I’m not used to just telling all my business and feels.

I have no idea what I want to do nor where I want to go.

That statement, alone, has given me nightmares and created seemingly random anxiety attacks. I have moderate anxiety and depression, both give me what I call “episodes” where I’m paralyzed by my very own dark imagination. It’ll start with, “I’m not liking work today, “and transform into, “bih, you’ve never liked your job, you’ve just been finding other outlets to cover it up! Sure, you’ve done great things in recruiting and the top two employee resource groups, but you know you couldn’t care less. The only reason you even got involved was to pass the time of the 2-year contract you signed. Now you’re consumed by the lifestyle you’ve created and the perks of being miserable 40+ hours a week. Aren’t you tired of living this lie?! I mean damn, I thought I’d be long gone by now. What happened? What didn’t you do? You super blessed, why aren’t you happy? People would kill to be in your shoes. Literally.” (all this is said without taking one breath). This is just the surface. As you can see, it gets intense quickly. Even writing this is making it rise, but I’m trying to do the exercises my therapist taught me…but I feel slow doing them! Like why can’t I control my own thoughts!

Whoops, sorry about the tangent, but that’s what it’s like being me…back to the original point. A CAREER.

How do people just know what they want to do for the rest of their lives? Where’s that class and how did I miss the sign up?

Not one clue. For now, I’ll just refine the things that I know I like to do..all while trying to keep the anxiety down at work. It feels like I’m in a terrible relationship & I’m bound to it. I can’t leave until I have another one lined up…my big fear is that there’s nothing lined up. The “what ifs” are killing me, but writing this all out is kind of keeping me accountable! Updating this site and weekly venting will keep me vulnerable in a way that I’ve never consistently been before and, tbh, I’m excited to see what comes out of it! All the things I’ve ever really wanted to do have been geared towards the arts like photography, singing, dancing, drawing (when I’m patient enough to do it), and other things that I’ve tried on the side but never told anyone. I tend to keep my triumphs & failures to myself, but I’m not sure why. I’ll explore that later. Right now, I want to you to know that’re not alone in being confused about the future, next steps, a career, all that!

Keep moving forward, sideways and backward if necessary. I’m going to figure it out and so are you. Who cares how long it takes, it’s going to happen! Let’s enjoy the ride! (keep breathing & slow that overthinking, that’s the key)