unhappy morning

i was so ready to just spill it all. to just release a big hurt that’s been bothering me more & more lately. i was ready…til i tried to sleep last night. i kept playing it over in my head at least 1.6 billion times, but settled with understanding that i can’t rush my healing process. at. all. whenever i try to get over something too quickly it ends up taking me down a dizzy dark path that results in another episode for who knows how long. right now, i don’t have the energy to give towards that. i can’t do it. not right now.

i tend to juggle way more than necessary, but i feel like since i’m granted the opportunity to do so, i might as well try! tbh, i don’t feel like i’m doing that much, but i can see that somethings are needing to be cut out in order to do some personal work with my past. i’ve been on a cloud for a few weeks with minimal crying or sadness, but TODAY i woke up on the sad side of the bed and idk how to fix it other than turning up the gospel and getting back in bed. of course, i have to show face at work for some hours before that can be accomplished. also, i have a nail in my tire and that has to be fixed asap because driving in michigan will completely rip it apart if given the chance. i had a rock hit my windshield, maybe last week, but today the crack spread so add that to my bill. i need to eat, add that to my bill as well.

i truly feel like God has something crazy coming for me because all this craziness going on in ONE hour of a cold morning is three much, but i believe i’m handling it well, all things considered. i’ll be counting down the hours until i’m back in my bed, but for now, i’m surviving.

oh! don’t forget that i have to tell management that i’m having a really bad day, disclose my mental instability at the moment and pray they don’t look at me too crazily. i’m just praying it gets better, i get stronger and that it all makes sense soon. i want to tell more…but the way life is currently set up, y’all are going to have to be patient with me & i’ll have to be more patient with myself.