up all night

ok so, i had a string of bad dreams concerning family & friends & my money...like stuck on roller coasters, crackheads attacking everyone like zombies (which if it were a movie, i'd definitely watch, tbh), i'm still not positive what dreams mean or if they mean anything at all. i know it just depends on the situation or blah, but these dreams kept getting more & more real and i was shooooook, can't lie. but then i had one dream that changed my perception of it all. my aunts (jessica & cent) came to visit me. they were GLOWING, honey. just slaying my entire being. they brought on tears from laughter because they were both silly as all hell, but they also encouraged me to not let little things affect me as much and to trust that everything will be ok...i needed that message & will likely continue to need that message because i obviously keep forgetting. 

as a virgo, youngest & eldest child, first grandchild, greatest hype woman on the planet, i thrive on creating some type of popping legacy and i also can't help trying to make everything perfect at all times...at least keep it stable, ya know? i, honestly, don't think that's too much to ask, but in this unpredictable life of ours it's not the best idea for me to latch on to everything always falling into place. especially when majority of this stuff is out of my control. (i'm a recovering control freak, He ain't through with me yet). am i putting too much pressure on myself? it's possible, but pressure makes diamonds! and something great is definitely in my future. maybe that's what's scaring me into paralysis. idk. idk. idk. this is what keeps me up at night. the. FUTURE. ive replaced the on & off with terrified & excited, but little spottie(negative self) is flicking the switch every other second. 1. career moves? i have a couple ideas, but after applying and asking for help, it doesn't seem like anything i'm doing is working out quite how i'd like. which makes me think that i probably need to stay still...or is that just what "they" want me to believe!? (trippy) 2. family. y'all know ever since i moved to detroit people in my family have been dying at alarming rates. though i know it's completely unrelated to me, it still feels as if i'd stayed home then they would've done the same. what if something happens to me and them at the same time? what if i can't afford to go home in an emergency?? (which has happened about twice) 3. relationships. platonic & lovey dovey. am i a good friend? am i killing myself trying to hold onto bad friends/people? can i trust him? can i trust her? shit, can i trust myself? when these babies supposed to pop up? i want some little ones, lol, not at this second but kinda soon. i think these are the top 3 things that keep me up every other night.

…but there’s a fourth and its about how i treat myself. not necessarily self care, but kinda. i, nadia, am a toxic positive person. i used to think it was a great thing because, ya know, positivity is good! but i’ve realized that i will ignore all the signs, warning labels and full out bad experiences in the hopes of little glimpses of good. i’ll half way accept whatever i’m going through because i know “the fix” is coming soon and when it doesn’t, i’m still hopeful. i’m learning that i have to fully accept the bad in order to really get over it…like if someone did something terrible to me, i’ll make a million excuses for them because i do believe that people are good, but when i tell my therapist or friends what happened, they’re like “WTF.” in every aspect of life i ignore bad stuff every single day and then it hits me all at night, uncontrollable spinning of scenarios that may or may not be possible, but if i had been upfront about how it made me feel in the moment then i may not have these residual effects later. i’m working on it, marigold was created out me working on this, but there’s still some work to do.