suni & marigold

alright, so typically i’m never this late, but i was basking in my own cozy laziness since i refused to leave my house and enter into this polar vortex. but enough excuses, let’s jump on in it.

i wanted to round out this month with self awareness and acceptance with one last crucially important pill to swallow. it’s so difficult because it involves breaking a cyclic habit in human nature, but it’s worth the fight. self talk. it’s vitally important to rewrite the code in our own heads. obviously, i mean negative self talk. that little irritating, but very believable voice saying you’re incapable, incompetent, and unworthy. i’m constantly hosting a debate in my head with the issue being “is nadia good enough.” most of me knows i’m the sht and i can prove it with little effort, but the rebuttal is sometimes just as fierce, especially during episodes. my word, i can get so mean to myself & i hate it, but that’s why i’m fighting it! also why i’m telling you this so hopefully you fight it too.

periods/menstrual cycles SUCK. period. point. blaaaank. but with this last cycle i had a ton more emotion than i knew what to do with. this random occurrence made my head spin out with crazy visions that are likely to never ever happen and to worry about things that are so very far out of my control. as you can imagine, my little devilish queen of negative self talk (let’s call her “spottie” because she just pops up) had a mfn field day! she was hitting me with all kinds of bs about how i’m not doing what i want with my life, i’m getting attached to people who probably don’t care about me, i’m trying things that’ll never work, my money gonna stay funny because idk how to act. there’s plenty more, but i ain’t trying to make the spins happen again. spottie was going off and i had to call in back up because my queen of positive self talk (“suni”, for obvious reasons) was slacking just a bit. with the help of some beautiful people i was able to break the wall and let some tears fall to get it all out. i know i’m not perfect, but i damn sure am not as bad as spottie was making it seem. that’s how i know i’ve progressed because past nadia would’ve been wallowing in sadness trying to figure out how to make everything instantly better when in actuality, that’s not what i want. i want to be nicer to myself on this journey of self discovery. i don’t want everything to be fixed in 5 minutes, i want to continue towards my very own definition of excellence…still working on the definition, but still.

aside from using suni to fight spottie, my therapist encouraged me to also have another voice in my head that’s similar to a big sister or a best friend because you know they won’t let anything happen to you. i’m a super protective friend/sister to everyone else, but i tend to believe the negative stuff way too quickly! it’s annoying, but i’m working on it. i need a name for this voice, i’m thinking marigold because it’s my favorite flower and it sounds strong to me, lol. i’m so thankful for my therapist suggesting this to me because it’s easier for me to refute the negative and stand firm on the positive facts. being a ride or die friend to myself empowers me. it makes me much more confident in the positive side. give it a shot. build yourself up & fight that negative voice, i know i am.