eventually i'll know..

today my mind & heart is very very heavy. i was confronted by the recurring thought of wtf am i doing in my career. my new mentor encouraged us to take the meyer’s briggs and strengthsfinder tests to learn more about ourselves and for me specifically to use that as a guide to figure out the best careers that align with who i naturally am.

i’ll never forget what this girl said to me about a year after i started being a full time engineer in the automotive industry. she said, “everybody isn’t cut out to be an engineer.” & i proceeded to curse her out in my head, but in real life asked what she meant by that. she said nothing, only shrugged her shoulders. i took it terribly hard because ma’am, you don’t know me from adam, who are you to say this to me while being a black woman in the field where there are only a handful of us in the entire building? i already have to beat down barriers with the millions of white men in the rooms i find myself in, but to hear it from a fellow black woman engineer truly pissed me off especially since she didn’t care to clear it up.

currently, i’m running the thought over in my head a few more times because taking the quizzes is making me realize that she was right. my personality and natural talents don’t really align with engineering. engineering was actually on the short list of careers to avoid for my personality type. i crave working socially, being creative, helping the community, expressing my true self…all of these things i have not been able to receive by working in my current industry. i’ve found SO many outlets to suffice the want, but i don’t think it’s enough…but i can’t help feeling like i wasted my time in school and in this industry attempting to make myself fit and make the job into what it isn’t.

i have no clue what i want to do. well, that’s not true. i have some clues to what bring me complete joy and what doesn’t. i just need to do much more digging because i’m close to losing it in this office.

another major conflict i have is that in this company, the task (typically never a really urgent task) is much more cared for than the person. i am a person before i’m an engineer just like they are people before they’re coworkers or managers or whomever. why must i be berated for being myself? for doing the work in my way? if there’s no training for the job position…how can we properly compare the work, let alone the worker.

my mom and great friends reminded me that it’s all in God’s hands and that stressing about it won’t make it pop up any faster…but i wish it would. i don’t want to be miserable for 8+ hours every week day, but i don’t see any other way to be until i figure it out. this sucks, but it is what it is. it’ll reveal itself eventually.