shut up & try

i’ve always been terrified that i would never be [a bunch of adjectives] enough. it was just a recurring and insistent fear. it was so strong that i was the mute of the little cousins, lol. i was super quiet & usually the one getting hurt when we all played, but i swear that wasn’t my fault, lol. i just wanted to be as chill and carefree as everyone else appeared to be, but i always ended up making everyone have to go inside early bc i fell, got stuck, seriously scratched or broke something. idk if that’s a result of me trying so hard or if i’m actually just that clumsy. nevertheless, i was nadia enough. i was too afraid of what everyone would think if i didnt do something, said no too harshly, played too hard, was too slow or fast, or just too this and not enough that. 

i have always received pretty positive remarks about my outside parts and more recently about my inside. but it’s still really hard for me to take a compliment, believe anyone is serious when they think all these great things about me, etc. but one adjective that i’ve heard all my life is “fearless.” i dont believe i’m fearless, i can explicitly name my fear, lol. idk when it shifted, but it did. i went from having panic attacks before i ever tried something new to being terrified of what will happen to my growth if i don’t try. 

i’m typically questioned, “how do you model, engineer, mentor &/or create?” my answer is always the same! “i just try shit out.” that’s really all i do. whether it’s asking someone out romantically, doing a lingerie shoot, or even creating a blog, i’m just trying something that’s always been in my head. i’m afraid to not go for it. i’m not afraid to fail, i’m probably expecting failure too much, but we’ll save that for a different post. 

i grew up a professional multitasker. i’m an honest product of my father, the football coaching, architecting and preaching barber, and my mother, the teaching, counseling, singing, creating, decorating, wedding planning photographer. lol, they do so much more but i just wanted to give you a snippet. i knew there were plenty of things that i was good at, but i’d have to pick one and then do everything else on the side. so obviously, i picked the one that was more or less guaranteed money. i’ve moved around a bit, meaning adaptability is a skill i’m forever working on. wearing numerous hats and adapting to each setting im placed in doesn’t leave room for fear. not the fear of attempting anyways. of course i still get mega nervous, but if i didn’t/don’t go for the big thing then i’ll never grow. i’ll never know for myself if i’m capable of playing without seriously injuring myself, lol (even if i do, i’m on my parents insurance for a little bit longer so everything will be fine). 

just remember that you ARE enough. more than enough, to be honest. we just have to keep trying and trying some more until we figure it out. it may take a while but that’s fine, think of it as an adventure because it is! never know when you find the perfect combo to create your happy ending, but whenever you do, i’m sure you’ll want to learn a new combo. that’s how it is for me, anyways lol.