happy crying

Merry Christmas! + Happy Hanukkah! + Happy Kwanza! + Happy New Year!

i just want to shout a MEGA THANKS to all of you beautiful souls that make my diary a part of your day, it truly means the world to me!!

my holiday season was full of so much love and joy that the feels have run over into the new year & i’m praying they never end! i do wish that i could say that i didn’t have an episode or nothing bad at all happened, but that would be dishonest & ya’ll know i’m all about my transparency. so let me get to it.

twas two nights before Christmas and all i could do was cry. (internally singing etta james. if you don’t know the song, then please do yourself a favor and listen asap!) i barely made it into my moms house in maryland before i felt the weight of depression over me. it’s a weird, eerie & pressing weight that was sinking me into the couch. i felt paralyzed, to say the least. before a full episode of wayan’s brothers could finish, i felt tears staining my cheeks…which made it worse because IDK why they were happening. my mom may have a sixth sense or she just loves asking me to do stuff, but she called me downstairs & get all these gifts that needed to be wrapped before 8am service the next day. bruh, it was like 15 gifts for kids so i couldn’t say no. i take them all upstairs and get to work. i made it through about ten of them, but the weight reappeared only heavier this time. i tried to ignore it, at first, then i gave in and called a friend, but that made it worse because i felt i was wasting their time, just talking in circles trying to figure it out. i sat in silence for the length of a wild’n out episode and then a revelation happened. (weird timing, but i’ll take it) i i picked up my phone and typed my little heart out until realized that i was sitting in the middle of where my depressive episodes first began. in my moms house, feeling helpless, empty, alone and denied any opportunity to explain my “simple” woes. in this house i was felt tormented for years and if that wasn’t enough, i was also delivered most of the bad family news in the room where i had made a comfy little hideout. i was hiding from so much more than i thought. my attitude towards my parents was reverting to my teenage years when i hated everything about myself and others. though tears fell in buckets as this revelation unfolded, it was such a healing cry. with every half breath and full tear, a layer of sadness was being washed away. yall, i felt crazy, being so healed by letting tears fall.

the rest of my trip was seamless! well, for the most part, lol. all the travel and repetition of “work’s good",and, “i’m good” got REAL old real fast. but when you’re visiting a bunch of people that you don’t get to see, but around christmas time, you suck it up. my healed attitude was noticeable to everyone, i was constantly reminded of a glow i’m carrying around & tbh, that made me even happier!

i’m not gonna lie and say that everything is peachy keen, but my attitude has been tremendously better! i switched groups at work and i was terrified because, i mean, why do i need to be switched?? especially when i was having troubles with a few personalities in the old group. i was and still am suspicious of the abrupt change, but whatevs! this new group is dope!

so let’s try to have the best attitudes towards change, acknowledge the stuff that makes us feel negative and deal with it so we can get back to being positive and lit.