bigger than triggers

triggers aren’t always clear cut nor easy to get rid of…tbh they’re little demons of gloom running around waiting for you to walk into them without saying excuse me.

once a situation or conflict has ended, moving on usually isn’t that big of a deal for me…but this time it’s soooooo hard. i randomly find myself replaying the conflict in my head to assess it from different angles and perspectives. the most frustrating part of it all is that i still get to the same conclusion, which is that “i. be. knowing.” periodt! but no, seriously, i handle conflict rather well (on the outside). i gather the necessary info, i actively listen, i wait to speak and try my best not to interrupt or raise my voice. but i also make sure to let the person know that i’m trying to patronize them by using these tools that i’ve learned. on the inside tho, i replay every single thing from the actual words to the silent words or body language because that’s just how my brain works. i don’t like to argue so whenever i am i always want to quickly understand the real issue and work through it.

anywho, it was an extra stupid annoying to involuntarily rehash all these feelings and arguments in my head that i thought had died. i mean my entire mood shifted. i’m looking at everybody super sideways & being mute because in my head they remember the conflict too and they’re just being fake nice so i’m like f*ck these n*ggahs!…& the entire time everyone is just enjoying life while i sulk and pout. it was like the entire situation was replaying in my head on a big screen. i was trying to tell myself to get out of it, but you know once you have an idea everything else that happens after that idea only builds up to further back the idea…even if the idea is completely wrong! it was impossible to shake these thoughts until hours after i was removed from it. the hurt kept spiraling in my head and as irritating as it was i just couldn’t stop it. my sleep was effected, my diet instantly became trash, negative self talk (spottie) was having a field day & my laziness skyrocketed. i kept talking myself in circles and trying to use my friends intelligently so i wouldn’t be so annoying, but i couldn’t listen. i was in a scary place that i hadn’t seen in a very long time. the simple spiral became a tornado because it tore through any positive thoughts that i tried to have. i have a good number of positive things going on right now, ya girl is booked, but spottie was like, “nope, nope. it’s all bs, you’re not worthy, you’re going to mess it up.” ya know the rhetoric.

before i let myself get worse i went to my tools! (s/o to my therapist) first i took a mega long shower. the kind where you exfoliate, scrub again, wash your hair, meditate & shave. i’m relaxed just thinking about it. (insert yoga emoji) then i tackled my hair while playing my spa playlist. after that i started writing and editing pictures which exercised my logical and creative brain muscles. after doing all this i had the best revelation of why the conflict was still bothering me and that is that creating new boundaries for friends that have hurt me is something that i still struggle with, majorly. + i definitely didn’t handle the hurt/damage all the way through when the conflict first happened. so from all this i learned that i need to completely handle and work through any argument for there not to be residual effects later on and that i need to work on building boundaries for people in my life. i’m a work in process, but realizing this and not allowing spottie or negative thoughts overtake me is a true testament to my personal growth and i’m so proud of me! : )

* smooches *