it’s hard, ya know. everything really. it’s like winter detroit weather, gloomy all the time with random sun rays pouring through only for a few minutes and then it’s back to being gloomy and dark. that’s my current view of life. i sincerely didn’t want to write another sentence about this shit, but it’s kicking my ass. plus, my entire point of creating this thing is so i could be open, honest & vulnerable…so i guess i’m gonna keep pushing myself to do it.
last week i took two days to get myself “together". basically so i wouldn’t have to speak to anyone unless it was extremely necessary. i contacted my manager that i wasn’t coming in, of course. i let him know about these episodes when i first started because that’s when my aunt cent passed away, which triggered a huge one. so he was very understanding of my situation and needs. plus i can do everything with wifi, but old folks hate hearing that, but that’s a conversation for another day. last week was just rough, to be explicit.
i had one of the most crippling cries this past week…the kind where you can’t talk, move or even breathe. on the surface it was triggered by some pictures of my aunt that my granny sent me in the mail. she always has a subtle way to remind me that my aunt jessica is gone, but she might as well had hit me with my aunts’ tennis racket. that shit still hurts, all these years later. aunt jessie (she hated when i called her jess and high yellow, lmao) she was the first death that really really REALLY got to me. i think it’s mostly because i couldn’t grieve the way i wanted when i was told the news, i was holding my younger cousins & that’s just not an option i had at the time. but, anyways, i think on a deeper level, this episode was caused by a ton of pressure i put on myself concerning relationships, people, money, & a host of other things i wish i had.
BUT, i did keep my promise. i spoke up, i told 3 people i needed them. THREE WHOLE PEOPLE. and i didn’t sugarcoat it, i gave the facts and i was supported and one was even able to come by and check on me. by then, my tears had dried and ice cream literally was all i could say. lol, safe to say my eating habits for the past couple weeks have been laughable at best. but that’s another thing i have to confess…i haven’t been eating. i just don’t feel like it. my energy has been low. i had a 3 day weekend and did nothing but lay in the bed, like a sick person til the last 24 hours. bed, tigger, grey’s anatomy & reese’s got me through. this is gross, but i didn’t shower or anything. just teary & silent. i didn’t tell the three people this, but they’ll survive & love me anyways because i love them to peace!
walking around and acting like everything is ok…is stupid. but when you’re with friends that already know what’s up, they can help lighten the mood. plus, i hate not coming through on a commitment. went to a bar sunday night & then back to the bed til monday night for a jessie reyez concert! & babyyyy, i got my whole entire emotional life. she’s just perfect. go get hip, if you’re not already. her show brought up some serious things i was still denying, but she pulled it out because she’s been through it too. like the #metoo movement, sucky &/or abusive relationships & even being bi, been through it & still fighting my way through. i used this moment to pretend that i was completely alone, but surrounded by love. (weird, i know, but you know how you need space to feel completely accepted? even the ugly parts? it was like that) like if all my angels came down to let me know i’ll get through, i just gotta breathe.
i’m in a weird space, tbh. when i first started writing this i was still shaky, but now i feel stronger & energized, lowkey. a weight lifted, somewhat. i guess opening up more does actually help. who knew! (not being sarcastic, lol)
i hope it continues.