own it

looooooooooooooook, realizing your faults is one thing, but ACCEPTING them is a whole nother story. (yes, nother)

i’m currently kicking back, catching up on sermons while i type this and my pastor said something that just stuck with me. just two words, OWN IT. whenever i think of those two words, i typically think of Oprah and how she owns everything and her fabulousity, but that’s not what he meant. he meant it in terms of owning our faults, mistakes and literally pointing the finger at ourselves. i know last week i discussed people not letting me know there is an issue, but this week i feel it’s imperative that i tell ya how i’ve learned to own it.

i take pride in my self awareness + emotional intelligence, but, tbh, i only got here through realizing how imperfect i am. growing up in the country i was the “golden child”, even though it felt like i literally wasn’t doing anything different from my cousins. the only thing that i can point out that was different was that i was always, i mean alwayssss getting hurt, lol. anyways, in that climate, i can admit i didn’t think my sht stunk, but moving to maryland for middle school and dramatic puberty humbled me with the quickness! (lmao, whew, if only yall knew) for the first time i was really challenged, not really educationally because i was always a nerd, but socially. my country accent got me super teased, which isn’t that big of a deal, but it affected me. my friends checked me on things i never thought could be challenged. i was corrected as was everyone else, but my mouth was so slick that i got it a little bit worse. so basically continue this trend of “correction” through life, i learned a bunch of wrongs in my thinking because i study myself harder than i study anything or anyone else. but with studying myself, i realized i was negating many experiences and life stories because i haven’t been through them, so i debunked my thoughts & beliefs that was hurting others.

challenging myself on different emotional reactions has helped me to be more understanding towards others’ emotions. to me, there’s a rationale to everything and if there isn’t then i say, “must not be for me to understand.” that doesn’t mean i don’t still try to crack the code, but it does put me at ease. but at this moment my major flaw is my financial management. i have an excuse for spending that never ever fails, FOOD. i love it & it loves me, but i probably don’t need to be ordering out every week, let alone twice a week. another major flaw is selfishness/entitlement, not sure which, but yall can help me figure it out. i realize that i do get upset when people don’t respond in a timely manner or don’t communicate properly, if at all. most of my being feels very justified in disliking those things, but the little bit realizes that no one owes me anything and could very well randomly decide to never speak to me again. this is what i think “owning it” is, instead of pointing the finger all of the time, i need to take responsibility for spending frivolously and allowing people’s actions to affect me so much. no one and nothing is going to improve unless i improve. so i have some work to do!

looking at myself & saying, “i fcked up, but i’m choosing to do better,” sheds all kind of shame off of me. it gives me my breath back. try it & let me know it works for you.