hella proud

so like a year ago, i came out. to my mom. by accident. but, also, kinda on purpose, lol.

last year was extremely transforming! here’s the story tho:

i finally got up the courage to attend last year’s pride weekend in detroit, but the weather was complete trash so the attendance was pretty low, but i still had a good time just walking around. i talked to people, laughed with people, took pictures, purchased buttons & posted some stuff on my instagram story…and that’s where it started. i was fully aware that posting a picture of myself with lgbtq+ buttons on my shirt in the middle of a festival could raise some questions, but i didn’t think the questions would come from my sister nor mother. i do a pretty good job of keeping my family away from my personal business, including my social media business just because i don’t feel like always giving an explanation. + i’m grown, like actually grown, lol. anywhooooo, first i get a call from my sister and it’s all chill until she asked the question she’d been wanting to ask all along, “is your sexuality fixed or fluid?” first off, what an interesting way to ask that question, lol. second, i could’ve lied, omitted, redirected the conversation, but nope. i decided to tell the truth, it just slipped right on out like i was exhaling. her response wasn’t anything too crazy, which really surprised me in the best way. it was like, “oh shit, i might just be able to be myself around my family.” lol, that gave me a good & deep laugh just now, lmao. i think a few days, if not a week later, my mom calls and asks the same thing. now my mom is a different level of righteous & holy, so i knew full and well how she would react, but i just kept thinking…why continue to lie? i like both women & men, if you can’t handle that (which has absolutely nothing to do with you) then that is on you. that is in no way to say that what she did say didn’t hurt me. i just remember how i felt & saying, “i love you, but i do not want to discuss this, goodbye.”

it took me a few good months of therapy to begin speaking to her again and it was largely due to family stuff. she told my dad, whenever my mother & i don’t see eye to eye she tells my dad because we’re so close so he can get me to see her perspective…but nah. she outed me to my dad, which further pissed me off and confirmed that she was committed to crossing boundaries. i was being rude and childish while i “protected my peace” by ignoring calls and seldom sending texts. i just couldn’t believe it, ya know?

what happened next? my sister got into the mix, as always. saying i was disrespecting my mother and showing her my ass to kiss and whatever else she said. she was losing it or something for thinking i’d respond to that, lol. i don’t do confrontation via text nor call and barely in person. talk to me with sense and a desire for understanding or don’t talk at all. so i added her to the blocklist too, why not? especially because work was giving me grief, all this started right after i broke up with my ex, and i’m sure some other stuff was going on , too. therapy was all i had. i didn’t have a friend, that i knew of, in the same situation…just me, per usual. so i did it the only way i knew how, with help and guidance through therapy. i’m now realizing that months hadn’t gone by, lol. it just felt like it because it was SO rough.

july started, i decided to chill at home and be zenned out, but then got bored & decided to go to nyc. my bff, jess, met me there at my favorite cousin’s house in long island and i let them know everything! i couldn’t hold it anymore and it felt good to share because they gave me so much love. jess & i went into the city for the day where i got another lengthy message from my sister making sure i knew how ain’t shit i was, which was followed by a call from my cousin that i just saw. i think it’s nothing, but she dropped a bomb on me. my aunt cynthia (cent) passed away. (1. i didn’t know she was in the hospital, 2. why tf was i just getting this news!) i couldn’t cry yet, even though i tried really hard. jess & i went out in the city and visited friends from college and hung with new friends too. somewhere in time before we hit the last bar she received a call from her mom, i think, delivering similar bad news. we stopped in the middle of our walk through the city and let it out. i’ve never been more grateful for her than that moment. we hugged and cried and screamed, then found a magical whiskey bar that served bowls of bacon. we had a blast at the bar & i really hope i find it again, lol. it was the kind of day that gave me strength enough to go on and handle every curve ball life has to throw because i knew going to the funeral that i’d have to face my mother and sister.

throughout the funeral, my mind bounced between “i can’t believe my aunt is gone” and “i really hope my mom doesn’t try to bring up my sexuality right now.” but of course, she did, once everything was over anyways. that was going to be the last time i was planning to see her in my travels so it was probably best to have this conversation face to face. we talked it out. she told me she didn’t understand and i told her that i didn’t expect her to; however, i’m grown and don’t expect you to weigh in on my sex life anyways because that was never our relationship and is likely to never be. she doesn’t remember what she initially said that hurt me so much so i told her and she apologized, she might have mentioned that she doesn’t approve, but what else is new chile. i gave up living for others’ approvals a long time ago. our relationship has gotten stronger through my blogging and choosing to speak up more about what i’m going through in life. i love her.

my story is mine and i’m proud of it. i’m proud of who i am. i’m proud to be my bisexual self out loud and just live. i pray that anyone going through this phase has it much easier, but if not, please know you have a world of support & i’m just an email away!