are you listening to yourself? or are you listening to everyone else?
i don’t ask myself this enough. growing up in a strict household, being held to a super duper unrealistic standard from external forces (family, friends & everybody in between, including the perfect lives i see on social media) definitely HEAVILY impacted what is think nadia is “supposed” to do and have. i’ve only truly started living myself in the past 2 years. i actually just hit my 2 year anniversary of not giving a mother F! & if you know me, that basically means i stopped giving as much of an F not that i completely stopped because my virgo sun & rising ain’t letting that happen, ever lol. but no really, in the past two years i’ve dedicated more and more time to myself just to make sure i’m banking on my own thoughts rather than advice from everyone else. it’s still very much a journey, i guess that’s why i’m bringing it up again.
in the recent weeks, i’ve been burning myself right tf out. i didn’t think anything of it because i would always have fun once i got out of the crib, but mannnn it was a supreme tug of war between my couch and my jeep. so now i’m deciding to spend more time on my couch, lol. not because i’m feeling sad or depressed, but because i get really tired OR i just don’t feel like putting on pants lmao. you know how hard it is to get dressed when you’re in the middle of binging a show and the couch has that perfect warmth to it, pillow just soft enough and a snack calling your name?? very very difficult, lol. i used to and still occasionally do feel bad for going back on my rsvp or even fomo tries to come in, but then i just snuggle down in my couch a little more and everything’s perfect. i enjoy spending time with myself and i love making time for myself vs finding quiet moments in a very busy calendar. it gives me time so i don’t need to rush anything, i can do whatever i want including doing nothing at all. that’s still hard for me to do, but not the point. making time forces me to evaluate my life and decisions a couple good times without spiraling. afterall, i’m still on a journey to figure out my purpose and i’m reminded of it every day in both positive and negative ways. in my me time, i listen to myself the most. it’s kind of funny that i have to listen to myself to stay in to listen to myself some more, lol. it works for me, though. i haven’t been journaling as much as i think i should, but i forgive myself for that because i’ve been talking it out with God or just to myself, lol, without feeling silly at all. i validate myself in this time. my wants, needs, experiences, even my emotions, which is a major thing for since i have this kink of needing everything to make logical sense…it never does lol.
this past weekend gave me some impromptu quiet time because my phone refused to work, smdh! but it was actually pretty chill and i had to get a little creative with some communications. i had enough time to myself to be nice and not binge on bad foods because i had enough energy to eat better! (because we all know it’s super duper easy to just pick up some hot fries on the way home) idk, i just loved my alone time. making decisions for me without consulting anyone because it only concerned me. i haven’t felt that in a while & it was refreshing af! it also was a little scary because it set off some real superpower in me because i realized i have so much more power over my mind, body and circumstances than i act on. i’ve been playing the victim role a little bit, but i also am still trying to figure out what it means to “be still” in the God sense, ya know? mostly because i know that i know whatever happens next will only be by His grace, as my life has been. it’s a relief to hand over the responsibility, but it’s also a little confusing because “faith without works is dead..” soooooo like, what’s tea on that? if you know or want to discuss, please let me know! til then i’ll just be rapping with G and listening more to what nadia wants to do. you should too.
listen to yourself, not me, lol. but if you make some wild decisions don’t come back yelling at me now, haha.