code words for depression

Highkey, being low is the worst feeling…especially when you can’t describe wth is going on in your head. I’m being dry and anti towards my besties and family. It’s completely unintentional, but idk how to just snap back and be the energized version of Nadia. 

i’m not currently overwhelmed, my savings aren’t scary looking, and my eating habits are pretty stable. I’m even staying on track with therapy, but it still pisses me off that i can’t shake this random party pooper attitude. 

instead of exploring a million potential reasons for my lowness, i rather give some insight on how to read the signs and care for me and those like me who truly can’t explain what’s up with my mental. (i do realize that some, even most, don’t care, but i feel like it’s worthwhile because you never know what the next person is going through, ya know?)

the biggest thing for me is an emotional / mood change. it’s a drastic change versus the simple annoyance that everyone feels every now and then. I’ll just switch from having high energy and dancing around all random to let me sit and scroll through old pictures while speaking in an octave less than a whisper. i know everyone gets tired every now and then, but there’s nothing like when a wave of depression just overtakes your entire body. i always think of that joke Katt Williams does about his son taking Ritalin for the first time. that’s the most accurate comparison i can give, i’ll be running around being all great and then BOOM, i’m stopped dead in my tracks and i go into hiding, so to speak. this is when the anxiety kicks in to high gear because i can’t stop wondering what triggered this episode and why am being this way to the people i care about. questions circling in my head like a tornado in a bottle, but on the outside i remain quiet and still to not draw attention to me…but doing that brings more questions and spinning. 

you can see it in everything i do…apparently. i feel off track and unbalanced because i am off track and off balance, but i have no clue what knocked me over! (frustrating, right?) imagine fighting a ghost 25/8 and everyone is just eyeing you like crazy because they obviously can’t see your ghost.

i mean it’s really not that huge of a deal because i can feel the difference, ya know? i’ve definitely had bigger episodes, but i still can’t shake this one. annoying. af. it only takes a simple, “how you doing?” to make me all emotional and overly introspective for such a simple surface level question. i mean no one, ever, really wants to know the state of your mental, but it’s polite to ask. it doesn’t help that i can’t lie to save my life, my facial expressions are a dead giveaway for every single thing i’m thinking. 

i guess, my call to action is…just be patient with me, please. the word vomit will come up, eventually. i just have to get out of my own head.  understand my head before i give up everything that i’m thinking…i promise to stop hiding my feelings and express them earlier instead of letting them pile up into something i can’t handle.

i got this & so do you.