positively not toxic

so i guess i took a huge step into the negative pond with all the nonsense going on in life because i’m feeling it shed off of me every time i correct my negative thoughts. i don’t want to discount the bs that was going on in my life because shit was hard, lmao, but i let it take me down a whole lot more than i want to even admit. i want to say a huge thank you to everyone for being patient with my attitudes and whatever i dished out because i know it got rough. you know how you reflect on an event or simple interaction and get upset because you just weren’t yourself? i didn’t recognize myself…& sometimes i still don’t, but that’s ok. my growth and life journey isn’t linear and i doubt it ever will be. that’s boring, lol. but i’m manifesting a positive life path. i can control what i think and say…that’s something i can work on every single day, which helps me get through.

today and for the past few days, i’ve felt free. able to think and just be…and read myself for filth lol. it was like nadia was doing things that everyone else wanted her to and then trying to put my spirit into it…instead of leading with my spirit. it’s really weird, but i’ve felt like a zombie pretty much or even a ghost/spirit watching my body go & do things, lol. whether i thought it was right, wrong or indifferent i still just went with it. *shrugs* all this to say, i no longer feel this way. i feel very much in control of myself and life, with God of course. me and Him have gotten closer and He’s definitely been speaking to me, but it’s taken me a good while to sit with it and try not to morph it into what i want or how to make it make more sense, ya know? y’all know i overthink, lol. just imagine that episode of spongebob where he threw out everything in his brain except that one file drawer…remember everything was on fire? that’s meeeeee. going a mile a min trying to find the right file for this situation and then dissecting why each file doesn’t quite fit this specific situation. now i realize, DUH, it’s a new situation that requires a new response and new methods to figure it out. nothing wrong with not knowing what to do and how to do it, the problem is thinking i’m supposed to have it figured out and not asking for help and not praying.

i am better than i was yesterday. that makes me smile and brings me a peace that i’m not allowing anyone to change. last week i decided to take my headspace even more seriously. i talk a lot, lol, and i think even more than that! both what i say and think about myself are so critically important to my growth and life. idk why it dawned on me last week, but i’m thankful it did! i’ve been SO mean to myself in my thought process from impostor syndrome to straight up low self esteem and expecting the worst at all times. so i decided that i’m not doing it anymore. i’m tired of making myself sadder than sad by meditating on a negative thought. i’m leveling up my armor against my negative self. i need to have better control over my thoughts so that i don’t fall into depression and anxiety so often. my biggest key here is not to slip into toxic positivity. bad things do happen, unfortunately, but i have to accept them just as i accept the bad. no need to meditate on how bad it is nor make it worse. i have to accept, see how i can make my participation in it better and move right tf on. this brings me to a phrase that i cannot stand! “at least..” don’t “at least” my discrepancies. por ejemplo; i lost my wallet and if you were to use the phrase it would go something like, “at least you didn’t rip your pants.” 1. what in the world type of comparison. 2. this phrase discounts my feels because it is comparing my sucky feeling to something that is sucky, but doesn’t relate to me and even if it did, idc. i’m dealing with a lost wallet so just let me deal.

it’s all a balance after all. this is my verbal confirmation that i’m actively trying to be more positive and giving permission to be corrected whenever i start talking down on myself. it starts with me and i hope you all will join me, too!