my hair cut lifted me. with every snip i almost cried, but didn’t because i’m a thug, obviously…but also because all the guys in the shop were staring at me like i was crazy already so i didn’t want to give them another reason to act out. trust & believe as soon as i got in my car that i balled my eyes out because i felt so free. i can see myself. my full self. nothing is in the way. not a curl that won’t fall quite right nor any straight hair holding me back from having a good time because if i sweat at all, it’s over. no cares, no worries. just me.
the first time i cut my hair off, i was nervous + i did it just because, lol. it was just something i wanted to try, but i never thought i’d end up loving it! i guess i only let it grow because of outside pressures and the newness of it shook me up a bit, not to mention the whole little boy look, lol. ya know society and its weird, obsessive control over black women and what they should or shouldn’t do. so i just gave in, plus it grew so quickly i felt like i had no choice, lol. but with it growing back, i was so conscious of the way it looked. more than i’ve ever been, tbh. all the color experiments, protective styles (that’s the only thing i miss, yall know i love some faux locs), wigs & hats/scarves were just covering my dislike. with every inch it grew i felt like i was dying. confidence dwindling. begging for another inch because that’s supposed to make me feel prettier, right? all the work i put into my hair and it was never perfect enough for me. never. i just felt like i was hiding behind it. begging for someone to say they liked my hair only for me to talk down their compliment. i still don’t understand it much like i don’t understand some people’s dying wish for me to grow it back. idk. i just want to be me. just me & all that entails. these random freckle/mole things that are popping up, the popped chicken pock by my nose, fluffy brows, the almost dimpled cheeks, dark eyes full of expression, even my forehead with the super weird hairline from too tight braids & ponytails, all of it. i’m embracing me…idk if it’s the first time ever, but it’s definitely the first time i’ve spoken about it.
i’ve never been the over confident girl, but i was always told that is how i come off. i guess that means i’m a pretty good actress, but, honestly, i actually feel it now, lol. i’m still not the best with accepting compliments, BUT i’m much better with giving them to myself. i’m much more comfortable with myself. i can’t really put it into clear words, but y’all! i feel free! and tbh, since the cut my life has taken some rather crazy shifts that made me grow at a ridiculous pace. mostly in the honesty area. i ‘m not out here lying to everyone, but i definitely do hide a ton of thoughts. not because i don’t trust my people…i just don’t like confrontation or negativity so i have to meditate on an issue before i express it just to make sure i express it properly. but back to this hair stuff. i’m oozing confidence, lol. i’m believing in & trusting myself more than ever. i’m speaking up more, even at work! & tbh, that’s huge for me. i’ve even told some about my modeling & other creative ventures…i’m pretty positive i cut off all my inhibitions along with my hair & i couldn’t be happier.
before you ask if i’ll grow it back…probably, but idk when and i’m not about to waste great energy thinking about it.