behind the scenes

the biggest rewards always require the longest waiting time. seed time. developing time. the fruit takes the longest in the process. don’t stop. trust the process. even if it’s frustrating. especially when it’s frustrating, actually, that’s when the most growth is taking place.

i wrote that down as i was listening to a sermon and let me tell you, i was shouting by the end of it. God has a truly magical way of working. it’s something that i know that i’ll never understand, but i’m very likely to keep trying, lol. i’m a strong believer in “everything happens for a reason.” but over the years i’ve dialed back the calculating of my own future because i’m never going to be in total control so why waste my energy and stress myself out? no thanks. i ride through life with the faith that God has me in His hands and some things are not for me to understand…until later. what has helped me arrive at this conclusion is taking the pressure off, which i still struggle with but this fact has changed my life: there’s no limit to the reason. we, as homo-sapiens, has this dyer need to figure things out, make things make sense, and get the right answer when there is no right answer…it simply just is what it is. because i know i crave reasoning and detail it, strangely, made it easier to say “this is not for me to understand.” i trust that if it were for me to understand then i would! everything relates back to math for me. often, the reason i excelled in math was because i was able to simply accept some rules as fact, especially in differential equations (basically like calculus 3, which i LOVED) or in mechanical design. if the answer was ‘xyz’ and we were looking for ‘nyl’, then we know something went wrong, so we go back and look at our conditions or rules. if the rules were followed, then we have to use the next steps associated with ‘xyz’ and not ‘nyl’…that slightly confused me, lol, and i know what i meant to say. try absolute value. the absolute value of something can never ever be negative. like, ever. and that makes sense because at the end of the day it’s the magnitude of the value. whether it’s -2 or +2, the absolute value or magnitude of the number is 2. makes sense, right? well in higher math classes there are a plethora of rules that some old man or woman did a million years worth of research to figure out just so we could have it easier and not go down a rabbit hole going through the process.

let me try a real life example; you’re running late for a meeting and as you’re leaving home you realize you forgot your phone on the bathroom sink, which makes you even more late. you grab it, get back in the car to realize that you forgot your glasses (or wallet for my 20/20 vision folks). now you’re an extra 5 minutes late to an important meeting that you were already late for. how you gonna act? me, i’m pissed at myself and stressing myself out trying to make up the extra time. then within all of that rushing and fussing i see 3 accidents on the road and immediately think…that could’ve been me if i were on time. or i get to the meeting and everyone understands or they’re late too! what i’m driving at is that some things are out of our control and the things that are in our control won’t always go perfectly, but believing that it’s all for a purpose like personal growth or just to avoid an accident or a simple, annoying reminder that you’re human.

it’s hard, annoying and truly frustrating, but little mustard seed faith will get you through. everything is happening as it should for your overall life plan…even if it’s not exactly the plan you set for yourself. it’s weird growing up and being told you’re only in control of yourself to only realize that your bubble is much smaller. i used to think any move i personally made was me being in control, but there are so many more factors behind the scenes that i don’t get to see. i can give my everything and still not get the gold. it doesn’t mean i’m not worthy or i’m being punished, but there’s probably a lesson i need to learn before i get the shiny thing. but hey, there’s plenty of other things i’m champ at and i only got to this level but continually trusting and living so i just gotta keep living and trusting. it’s hard, but i’m capable and so are you. we got this. but i’m probably going to sulk and be frustrated about it for another hour & then i’ll look at all the good/great in life. gotta “feel it through,” as much i hate doing that, smh.

*smooches*