truth teller

“I convince myself every day, every day
that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I'm not sure how comfortable I am with such open flaws.
I've become pretty good
at covering up what isn't beautiful about myself. ”

- instructions on being by tank & the bangas

i love this song for many reasons, number one being that it’s much more honest than i care to to be at times.

i don’t mean to sound like i fill my heart with lies, but being overly honest about my faults, shortcomings and the infinite amount of room for improvement is not something i can handle at every moment of the day. with all that being said, i’m going to take this time to share some ugly truths…they aren’t really ugly, lol, they aren’t just my usual talking points.

i’m not fearless, though i’ve been called that numerous times. i’m jealous even though i know that what is for me will always be for me. i’m lost quite often, can’t figure everything or everyone out & it drives me mad. i’m shy regardless of what yall think, lol. it takes A LOT for me to talk in front of people that i’m not comfortable around and just don’t know, period. i’m a control freak, i do much better in this realm, but when my “plan” doesn’t pan out i carry that as a defeat for far too long. i internalize damn near everything & have been since i can remember. it’s caused most of my physical & mental health problems. i hate myself for knowing these faults of mine and still slipping into the imperfection every single day. i know i’ll never be perfect, but if i’m working on these flaws, constantly, then why do i still slip? being human isn’t a good enough excuse for me.

i can pin point specific examples for each, yet i don’t want to. i don’t want to delve into the details because i don’t want to bring up anymore bad thoughts. i’m working on acknowledging when these slip ups and not internalizing them. ya know, just saying whoops + apologize + actually move on. not much in my has been forgotten, whether good, bad, or indifferent. all the memories come back in flash floods and torrential downpours, mostly when i’m having a depressed episode. (which was almost all of may) i get into this negative cycle & it takes a lot for me to get out, but releasing it in my notes, in this diary, to my friends & as tears are the biggest & most helpful ways to break it.

i’m not perfect. i have very real human flaws, but i’m supposed to better than that…at least, i think so. like jealousy is sooooo childish & i despise that it gets to me even after i put up a great fight. i will win the battle tho, i know it.

now yall have a pretty close look at my flaws, i’m still working on me, obviously. something about writing it all out just makes it much more real for me…harder digest because i dislike it so much, but easier to see where i still need to grow & change.