sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way you see it in your head…& that’s ok, that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you’re a bad person. it literally means that this thing, whatever it is, is not for you right now…or ever.
i put way too much pressure on the plan i have in my head. i always think life works like a math equation, 2+2 always equals 4, so if i do xyz it should yield these results…& life is like, “mmmmmk, but no.” doesn’t mean i’m not deserving and worthy of the happy plan that i had, i don’t think it means anything at all really. it’s just a fact. we don’t get most of the things that we want in life, but we keep living. keep trying. just keep going. and i can’t shut down out of frustration or complete pissed off-ness. i gotta remain open & flowing because shutting down for me usually results in much more destructive harm than any good. there are far too many lessons in life to be learned and other “its” that i could block by getting stuck on the fact that my magical plan didn’t work out how i thought it would.
it’s funny or annoying that whenever i get really into my writing or journal while i’m in the peak of the frustration that i uncover some truth about myself. in this case it’s that i’m still very much a control freak, even though i’ve tried not to be for years. i’m pretty sure it stems from fear, which fuels my adaptable spirit for damn near everything, but i now know that comes off like i have no worries and i’m superwoman or some shit. i’m. not. i worry about worrying more than i care to admit…but knowing that helps me manage it in a weird way. i can talk my brain down because the answers i wish i had truly only come with time, yet it still feels like a cop out. i can’t control anything in this life, besides myself and sometimes that is too much, lol. i truly long to be able to let go and just live out loud without worry, but i ain’t built like that, lol. i probably never will be and that’s fine, but for now i’ll keep working to keep my fear in check and be real with myself. i don’t have it all together and i’m not supposed to. my brain is likely to keep making up stories and get fixated on a single story or path, but i need to stay open to whatever else may happen, whether good, bad or indifferent…i’ll be ok.
so will you.