leaning on people

within the last week, i’ve started taking more time to be alone to meditate and do whatever else that makes me feel at peace. i was saying no people and truly just taking time for myself…but in doing that i think i began to push away some of my closest friends. it was in no way intentional and tbh, i doubt they felt like they were being pushed away, but i missed them. there’s no doubt that i am a people person, but whenever i decide to take time to myself i always feel a little guilty because i know there’s someone that probably needs me. i’m learning to take my needs more seriously than the needs of others…tbh, this still sounds selfish to me at the moment, but we all need to take care of ourselves before we attempt at taking care of anyone else. i think i took this too literally. i needed to slow down my life a bit without shutting people out. i’m still finding the balance.

it’s no secret that i’ve been a little off & more anxious than normal, but i think that’s simply because of what life is throwing at me. the difference is that i keep thinking that i don’t need anyone’s help. (this sounds repetitive because it is, i have to keep reminding myself that it’s ok to need people) i was doing alright for a while, ya know? keeping my stress down, not breaking down at work, handling all of my stuff at work with ease, cleaning my room, making sure i ate, basically all the normal human stuff, but this list was huge for me. going to therapy, i thought i’d get a round of applause (baby make that a** clap, had to) because in my mind i was taking care of myself…imagine my disappointment when my therapist was like where are your friends? how have they helped? i’m like girrrrrrl, i got this, they don’t need to know. obviously, that wasn’t the right answer. from that session, my homework was to express more to the people that i deem to be my closest so that they can help and even be a bit more tender with me. this. is. hard. af. and she knows that, but i had to do it.

it’s ghoe weekend, so it’s not really the time to lay out all my stress for people to see. but running into familiar aggies, my actual family and reuniting with friends from VA made everything better! the spirit, encouragement, love and joy surrounding these people made me forget the stress and allowed me to be in the moment and just have fun! it was sooooo necessary!

when ghoe ends and the people are gone, it’s back to reality. i am choosing to perceive my reality in a different light. i’m extremely blessed and just because some things have happened or aren’t happening when i’d like for them to happen doesn’t take away from my blessings. a friend helped me to see that. i had to get a ton of tears out before i could accept that message, but they waited for me and helped me to see it as a valuable truth. that’s what i mean…people are so important to our growth and healing. sure sometimes people are the cause for our hurt, but that’s not what i’m addressing right now.

people are people & i love them for that. a huge thanks to my people for holding me together.