self discovery is literally the wildest ride.
my head is spinning. do i love me? do i like me? do i even know me?
yes, i know these are living, breathing questions that should have simple answers, but don’t. i think witnessing all the love and freedom in nola brought some insecurities up…plus ya know pms has a great way of making you doubt yourself and everything around you. the longer i stayed in nola, the more my confidence dwindled. weird, i know. the internal battle was crazy real. i was in a beautiful city with my beautiful best friends and everything was pretty perfect…but in my head i was suffering. i battled with it for a good while and didn’t want to share this, but i truly think that idk myself for myself. i know who i am in relation to others, but who i am to just me is a bit more difficult to answer.
trying to find an answer to a living question will never be easy. i know that. by “living” question, i mean a question that changes with you. it grows as you grow. i don’t dislike myself, but there’s this persistent feeling that i’m not myself or why i even think this. i do what i’m told and what i want, that’s pretty freeing or at least i think it should be. i don’t feel free. i feel contained. blocked. controlled. maybe that’s why i do such random things. idk if people see me for me or if they have me completely confused…but i can’t even answer that if idk who i am. i think this constant indecision leaks over to my interactions with others, too. i question everything. i make everyone out to be the bad guy and i’m the victim. if “they” did this, then i would be good. or if i had a crew of people or a significant other, or more money, or a passion, or a defined purpose, THEN i’d be good. truth is, i can’t put life off until those things happen and that’s the hard part…i gotta live through it.
i’m constantly worried about everything and that’s exhausting. draining. it’s funny that when i don’t try is when i actually do my best. which….just doesn’t make sense! lol. i understand that nothing is linear and i definitely don’t know as much as i seem to, but at some point life should make some sense, right? isn’t that the hope? not everything, of course, but some experiences should eventually make sense. i think i’m in a state of nothing making sense and every time i try to make sense of it….you guessed it, it falls apart!
do you know who you are? do you like you? love you?
i pray that you do, i don’t want you to feel the way i do…but if you do, know you’re not alone.