own it

looooooooooooooook, realizing your faults is one thing, but ACCEPTING them is a whole nother story. (yes, nother)

i’m currently kicking back, catching up on sermons while i type this and my pastor said something that just stuck with me. just two words, OWN IT. whenever i think of those two words, i typically think of Oprah and how she owns everything and her fabulousity, but that’s not what he meant. he meant it in terms of owning our faults, mistakes and literally pointing the finger at ourselves. i know last week i discussed people not letting me know there is an issue, but this week i feel it’s imperative that i tell ya how i’ve learned to own it.

i take pride in my self awareness + emotional intelligence, but, tbh, i only got here through realizing how imperfect i am. growing up in the country i was the “golden child”, even though it felt like i literally wasn’t doing anything different from my cousins. the only thing that i can point out that was different was that i was always, i mean alwayssss getting hurt, lol. anyways, in that climate, i can admit i didn’t think my sht stunk, but moving to maryland for middle school and dramatic puberty humbled me with the quickness! (lmao, whew, if only yall knew) for the first time i was really challenged, not really educationally because i was always a nerd, but socially. my country accent got me super teased, which isn’t that big of a deal, but it affected me. my friends checked me on things i never thought could be challenged. i was corrected as was everyone else, but my mouth was so slick that i got it a little bit worse. so basically continue this trend of “correction” through life, i learned a bunch of wrongs in my thinking because i study myself harder than i study anything or anyone else. but with studying myself, i realized i was negating many experiences and life stories because i haven’t been through them, so i debunked my thoughts & beliefs that was hurting others.

challenging myself on different emotional reactions has helped me to be more understanding towards others’ emotions. to me, there’s a rationale to everything and if there isn’t then i say, “must not be for me to understand.” that doesn’t mean i don’t still try to crack the code, but it does put me at ease. but at this moment my major flaw is my financial management. i have an excuse for spending that never ever fails, FOOD. i love it & it loves me, but i probably don’t need to be ordering out every week, let alone twice a week. another major flaw is selfishness/entitlement, not sure which, but yall can help me figure it out. i realize that i do get upset when people don’t respond in a timely manner or don’t communicate properly, if at all. most of my being feels very justified in disliking those things, but the little bit realizes that no one owes me anything and could very well randomly decide to never speak to me again. this is what i think “owning it” is, instead of pointing the finger all of the time, i need to take responsibility for spending frivolously and allowing people’s actions to affect me so much. no one and nothing is going to improve unless i improve. so i have some work to do!

looking at myself & saying, “i fcked up, but i’m choosing to do better,” sheds all kind of shame off of me. it gives me my breath back. try it & let me know it works for you.

*smooches*

just lmk

i'm human, af. i accept my mistakes once i understand them, at least. i know i'm not perfect, though, i still strive for perfection because i'm not satisfied with mediocrity nor am i about to let down the people in my life that have pushed me to be my absolute greatest, but at what cost? i've been doing a better job of not allowing others expectations of me supersede my own, but that's a constant battle, ya know? 

i think, well i know, that i overthink my mistakes and faults not because i wish they didn't happen, but because i don't want them to reoccur. obviously, i think i'm very understanding, but it's even been confirmed with more than half the people i meet plus a few personality tests i took. so boom! *screams* why is it so hard to tell someone (me) to what they've done wrong? 

i hate the “in between” time before i find out what i did, but i definitely do this to others so maybe that’s why it happens to me? idk. i attempt to give each discrepancy enough time for me to digest before i go blurting out what i don’t even mean…i guess that’s my whole strategy, i have to digest the issue before i can speak on it when it really gets under my skin because maaaaaan, if i respond in the moment, that could get very very wild and disrespectful. i’m working on gathering my thoughts & responses to wrongdoing in a respectful manner to also be in a timely manner or even in the moment, but i’m sure i’ll still have at least a 30min delay, lol. that’s just me tho! as for others, can yall please please tell me whatever i did before you just start acting differently? i can sense vibes and tension like no other so i’ll know something’s not right, i just won’t know what it is…& i’m a CHAMP of overthinking and i rather not start that snowball.

let’s grow together + try out different methods to ease the conflicts.

*smooches*

happy crying

Merry Christmas! + Happy Hanukkah! + Happy Kwanza! + Happy New Year!

i just want to shout a MEGA THANKS to all of you beautiful souls that make my diary a part of your day, it truly means the world to me!!

my holiday season was full of so much love and joy that the feels have run over into the new year & i’m praying they never end! i do wish that i could say that i didn’t have an episode or nothing bad at all happened, but that would be dishonest & ya’ll know i’m all about my transparency. so let me get to it.

twas two nights before Christmas and all i could do was cry. (internally singing etta james. if you don’t know the song, then please do yourself a favor and listen asap!) i barely made it into my moms house in maryland before i felt the weight of depression over me. it’s a weird, eerie & pressing weight that was sinking me into the couch. i felt paralyzed, to say the least. before a full episode of wayan’s brothers could finish, i felt tears staining my cheeks…which made it worse because IDK why they were happening. my mom may have a sixth sense or she just loves asking me to do stuff, but she called me downstairs & get all these gifts that needed to be wrapped before 8am service the next day. bruh, it was like 15 gifts for kids so i couldn’t say no. i take them all upstairs and get to work. i made it through about ten of them, but the weight reappeared only heavier this time. i tried to ignore it, at first, then i gave in and called a friend, but that made it worse because i felt i was wasting their time, just talking in circles trying to figure it out. i sat in silence for the length of a wild’n out episode and then a revelation happened. (weird timing, but i’ll take it) i i picked up my phone and typed my little heart out until realized that i was sitting in the middle of where my depressive episodes first began. in my moms house, feeling helpless, empty, alone and denied any opportunity to explain my “simple” woes. in this house i was felt tormented for years and if that wasn’t enough, i was also delivered most of the bad family news in the room where i had made a comfy little hideout. i was hiding from so much more than i thought. my attitude towards my parents was reverting to my teenage years when i hated everything about myself and others. though tears fell in buckets as this revelation unfolded, it was such a healing cry. with every half breath and full tear, a layer of sadness was being washed away. yall, i felt crazy, being so healed by letting tears fall.

the rest of my trip was seamless! well, for the most part, lol. all the travel and repetition of “work’s good",and, “i’m good” got REAL old real fast. but when you’re visiting a bunch of people that you don’t get to see, but around christmas time, you suck it up. my healed attitude was noticeable to everyone, i was constantly reminded of a glow i’m carrying around & tbh, that made me even happier!

i’m not gonna lie and say that everything is peachy keen, but my attitude has been tremendously better! i switched groups at work and i was terrified because, i mean, why do i need to be switched?? especially when i was having troubles with a few personalities in the old group. i was and still am suspicious of the abrupt change, but whatevs! this new group is dope!

so let’s try to have the best attitudes towards change, acknowledge the stuff that makes us feel negative and deal with it so we can get back to being positive and lit.

*smooches*

18 kudos

i’m going to try something that’s always been particularly difficult for me; bragging on myself.

everyone, or least almost everyone, knows i CANNOT take a compliment. at. all. it’s lowkey sad, lol. i always knew it, but i didn’t know it was this bad until i was at GHOE (greatest homecoming on earth @ the illustrious NCA&T). i was at a kickback with some peeps i hadn’t seen in at least 2 years and we're drinking, laughing and living our best lives! someone randomly decided to give me kudos about my site & my ig “brand”, naturally, i offer my typical response, “chilllllllllllllll, you’re so sweet! *insert compliment about them to take away the focus.*),” but this time she went right tf over it lol. she brought the focus all the way back to me & i was not only stunned, i was a bit embarrassed…like how you just gon hype me up more than i hype you up?! itried everything, i turned around, tried to walk away, then i just started sipping out of my cookout cup, lol. i’m not used to that kind of attention to detail & kudos, especially in front of others! y’all. i teared up, lol. this could’ve definitely been my alcohol intake, but since i still remember it like it just happened, i can gladly say i think i was normal as possible, lol. plus, it happened again when i was with my two best friends in michigan! i was legit trying to tell them a story & they just kept interrupting to hype me up. this is also when i found out my summer glow was gone because one of them told me i was turning red, *rolls eyes*. so now i’m going to attempt to hype myself & brag a bit because TBH, 2018 owes me nothing. i’ve grown so much & experienced soooooo much!

i guess the thing that i’m most proud of is creating a way for some type of art to flow through me and be shared with the world! i was chosen as the newsletter chair for one of the major employee resource groups in my company, which is sooooooooooooo dope! i get to converse with leaders of different levels all the time and not just because i’m asking for something, but because they love (that’s right, LOVE) the work i produced. the feedback from taking this over has been overwhelmingly positive and just about every person is appalled that i’m an engineer and not in marketing or something. *flips hair* by taking on this monthly project i found that i really have a knack for it, which i already knew, but i wasn’t aware that i’d enjoy it this much. it kind of started the thoughts of creating a blog. what stopped me from creating one was a lack of purpose and direction/end goal…but then one day, a light bulb smacked me & i realized that i just needed to start. i made my site within a 2 day span, lol, if that. once i got an idea, i just followed it and kept following until i just hit the fuckit button & revealed it to the world. now i have a weekly release that doesn’t have an over-defined or constrained scope. i use two rules, 1. it has to be true (obvi) & reveal a different layer of me 2. consistency(i tried to take a break from writing & just felt something was missing so i started writing, lol)

*screams to the heavens* i’m a published model! ya girl made it to an online magazine & no one can talk me out of that being a big deal! plus i had the time of my life at that shoot. even fooled a ton of people into thinking that i was actually married, lol. i’ve booked more modeling jobs than i actually thought was possible for a 5 foot 5ish girl. i put myself out there to connect with so many people with one constant thing in my head, “the worst they can say is no.” or not responding, lol, but i got over that. i also secured ambassador roles with two detroit based companies and i’m already working on two more that are out of state! a major one happened from a simple dm, lol. oh, my cards! my cards have helped define my end goal a bit more as well. even though i’m still not positive of the ultimate/perfect career, i know i want to include these parts of me in the grand future career.

coachella, greece, st. louis, atl, nyc, toronto and probably a few more locations that i’m forgetting at the moment easily have been a major highlight of the year! the views, experiences, food, cultures & trouble i was able to get into in each place has a supreme spot in my heart! i definitely want to continue to travel, but this year was a peak into different parts of the world and i just loved it!

ok, so on the extra personal tip…i’ve chosen MYSELF over everyone. i got back into therapy & have increasingly protected myself from energies that weren’t the right fit for mine. i became single, i also came out, i lost my aunt cent, i gained new friends and deepened friendships, i’ve started speaking up for myself and i’m excited to continue! currently, life is teaching me to let go & trust what God has planned for me, which is much easier said than done, but imma do it anyways because the stressful alternative ain’t even worth it!

there could be a few more things that i’m leaving out, but shit, oh well! lmao, this will suffice this go round.

*smooches*

talking talking

let’s talk about talking…

i wanted to say it that way because it sounded really cool, lol. seriously, though, we don’t discuss “talking” enough. it has sooo many meanings! but this week, i literally mean talking as in speaking in order to give information or express ideas or feelings; converse or communicate by spoken words.

i’ve been wanting to write about this topic for a little while because it’s always interested me. the words on chooses to communicate their thoughts and feelings are incredibly important because they frame the message the message they’re trying to deliver.

tbh, depending on my mood and some other factors, i talk way too much, lol, only to come back and give a concise and clear version of what i was trying to say, originally. it’s weird, but it often helps me to just ramble for a few minutes to get the thought as clear as it needs to be for someone else to understand. this method works for high pressure situations in my life especially when i’m trying to figure something out. every other minute before speaking i spend a considerable amount of time sorting out which words to use, depends on the audience, ya know? obviously, i can’t speak to my coworkers the same way i speak to my cousins, but i also don’t speak the same way to different groups of friends. i don’t change my message, but i do change the delivery.

let’s look this example, this is how i answer, “how are you?’

to friends on the outer ring, i’d say, “i’m alright, been a little down, but working through it.”

to friends on the inner ring, i’d say, “tbh, i think i’m going through a lot more than i want to talk about. i’m ok, i guess, but definitely not good.”

same message, but one is much more transparent than the other. even with my inner ring friends, i still meditate on my message before speaking, lol. i was telling my bestie about my granny being in the hospital, but i was talking way too quickly & i said, “my granny got her knee taken away.” we immediately burst out laughing because that doesn’t make sense & that definitely wasn’t the full story! i want to challenge everyone to focus on their message for an extra minute before you say anything. if it doesn’t help your lessen your misunderstandings and even arguments, then please let me know! (but i’m pretty positive it will!)

*bonus*

listen to understand, not to respond! take in and digest what the other person is saying and their full context before responding. I attended the Michelle Obama event and this is one thing was amplified throughout her message. if we understand the full story of a person we have a greater chance of understanding the true issue and resolving it!

deal breakers

love is love is love. but how do you really know you’ve found the one? or that you definitely have found the wrong one?

i’m going to spend a little time on the latter…just so y’all can learn from my mistakes instead of repeating them. this might get lengthy, so be patient.

iight so boom, i’ve learned these lessons at least three different times so i’ll just scream it real quick.

  • IF YOU SEE SIGNS OF MANIPULATION OR ABUSE, in any form, RUN.

+

  • “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

there’s no easy way to figure out your deal breakers. unfortunately, you have to go through some hard shit to learn how to avoid the bs or just learn the signs to protect yourself (and even then it’s easy to slip up). my deal breakers are: manipulation/abuse and sever insecurity. this is how i learned them.

high school - i was cheated on.

college* - i was abused & manipulated.

college + post grad - manipulated.

i had it all written out, but it hurt like hell. i’ve forgiven these people and myself for all of it. going through it was terrible, obviously, but i learned what i’m willing to put up with and what are absolute hell TF no’s.

i’ve doubted myself. i let myself go in every sense that you can imagine. my spirit, health and sanity was in someone’s hands. i let that happen all while believing that i was in control. i don’t wish any of this on my worst enemy.

every time i’m asked about past relationships, i always shy away from the bad parts…but not this time. i’ll capture the college* one. I’ll call him steve. steve was a cool guy. the first guy that i ever met that was smarter than me, lol. of course, it started all sweet and innocent, but there were signs early on that we both weren’t ready for this. the first sign was this incident that didn’t even involve me, lol. he, his ex & another lady had a love triangle going on while steve and i were spending time together. i’m extremely honest, so much that it gets me in trouble. i told him about other people that i was flirting with, but he never told me anything about this triangle thing that apparently almost came to blows. being childish and competitive, i let him believe i knew nothing about it and continued acting normal as can be til i gave him an ultimatum, “ask me to be your gf or i’m outtie.” to me, this would prove to those other girls that i was the one he wanted, CHILDISH. he asked, though, with the cutest scavenger hunt and i said yes. the first months were full of cupcake love….i still don’t remember my 19th birthday and it’s not because i was lit, lol. i’m sure something crazy happened, but i’ve blocked it from my memory bank.

spring 14 is when things turned for the worse and continued to worsen. i went off for an internship in freezing, snowy ohio all by my lonesome. the job, location and new loneliness gave me a bunch of issues, personally, that leaked over into our relationship. steve began ignoring me and spending every second with his friends even when i expressed my need for attention and a listening ear. i flew down to nc for our first anniversary to surprise him & he still wanted to be all around his friends, i should’ve paid attention to that, but i considered these people my friends as well so i didn’t mind. he also spent his spring break in ohio with me, so it wasn’t complete turmoil 24/7, but when it got bad, it got really bad.

the following summer & school year proved to be too much for him & to handle. my 20th birthday was the biggest incident. he blacked out drunk & put his hands on me. he didn’t hit me, but he threw me against the wall and immobilized me while screaming an apology in my face. i don’t remember screaming, but i must have done something because his best friend burst in the room to hold him back and allow me to get away. i only stayed away for 5 min, crying in the hallway in complete disbelief. after that, i tried to give him rules to keep the drinking in check, but i was only met with attitude and dismissal. if i ever said anything about his drinking while out in public it became an argument that i didn’t want to have. i was terrified. but i started to live my own life without him and that was also an issue. i wasn’t sure what to do…i gave it my all, but it just kept getting worse. he was depressed and would blame me. i’d voice my discrepancies and he’d threaten to hurt himself if i left. while in the relationship, i didn’t realize that this was toxic manipulating behavior, but now i know better. sex was different…it was scary. i felt my voice was stolen from me and i was this new nadia that i hated. i wasn’t eating, doing anything for myself, he was always first. i was trapped until some epiphany happened. i think it was a movie or a book, but i connected the parallels to my life and decided to make a change. i had to go. he had to go. oh, btw, he thought everything was fine.

that was the one that broke me. i lost myself. i became a doormat. a “good” girlfriend, i thought. now i know better. i see the signs from a mile away. by no means am i perfect, but i know my worth. & through the bs and hardship, i learned my deal breakers.

good juju.

please accept all the good feels that i have to offer.

ya’ll. i think i’m stable, lmao. i’m happy crying right now because it’s definitely been a wHile since i’ve been able to say that and actually mean it. i guess a little step away to just disconnect and relax was all i needed. *shrugs* and to the people that told me this, but i didn’t listen…my badness!

ok, so i know last week i said i was going to do some serious work to figure out what i wanted to do….i failed, lol. i don’t mean i failed at figuring it out, i failed at being focused enough to study the introspective questions. tbh, whenever i did try, something or someone would distract me, but i welcomed the distraction, of course. it’s ok, though, the questions of life that i have require huge answers and i’m not sure i can just command an answer to appear in my brain…because if i could, then i’d know already!

i’m at peace. i’m energized (i hit the gym twice in two days! who am i? i’m hurting soooo good right now, lol) my fridge is half stocked because ya know, pay day is on the way so my wallet is begging me to chill til friday. i did NOT go to starbucks today, even though, i had to be in the office by 7am and have to tutor young minds after work. OH! ya’llllllll, i’m a math tutor! *hairflips & adjusts glasses* i’m so excited, man! i get to show my love for math again outside of work and i get to help kids! what is better than that?! nothing, nothing at all.

everything’s not perfect. tbh, everything could probably be exactly the same as it was a few weeks ago, but my perspective is different! well, my perspective and all the healthier steps i’ve taken to ensure some endorphins flood my head. so, as painful as it sounds, get UP! get moving, eat something other than what can be delivered, meditate (aka sit in silence, i usually add yoga poses to help me concentrate), accept the bad and realize your badassness.

you are a badass boss who’s capable of the greatest things imaginable. i’m praying you realize it as i have.

*smooches*

idk yet, but i will soon

i’m not a know it all, but man i wish i could be! not even to be a smart ass or to degrade people, i just want to know more about people and my own future. that want creates a lot of frustration.

the 5 w’s + h spin around in my head like category 5 tornadoes. ok, occasionally category 2, i’m usually not constantly spinning. this week was different. i was coming out of a depressed episode and moving into a space where i just questioned everything.

why was i depressed?

how does it just end?

what can i do to improve my work? including engineering, photography, modeling and my site

how can i make my money work for me?

when am i going to be satisfied with my life? that one is still a deeply pressing issue. idk what my calling is, but i feel that i’m close to it because i’ve been much happier when telling strangers who i am and what i do. that’s exciting af!

what can i learn to put me ahead of the rest?

who can i ask about transitioning from mainstream or typical engineering to fashion or art engineering? (if you have someone in mind, LMK)

will i have to create the transition?…that’s the one, that’s the question that’s at the eye of the tornado, but also the one touching the ground causing all the damage. i love creating…but this seems like a huge thing to come up with, especially because i doubt i’m the only one like me out there..but i could be.

what’s in the cards for a love life? if anything at all?

if you’re anything like me, it’s easy to slip into the tornado, but i want to try to manage it instead of getting lost. i’m going to keep trying to meditate, control my breathing with my thinking & my favorite, releasing the tension from my body. something about that last one gets me all the way together every single time. so this holiday week, i’ve decided to take extra time to truly study these particular questions. i’m praying some super wild epiphany happens! keep me in your prayers & know i’m doing the same for you.