truth teller

“I convince myself every day, every day
that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I'm not sure how comfortable I am with such open flaws.
I've become pretty good
at covering up what isn't beautiful about myself. ”

- instructions on being by tank & the bangas

i love this song for many reasons, number one being that it’s much more honest than i care to to be at times.

i don’t mean to sound like i fill my heart with lies, but being overly honest about my faults, shortcomings and the infinite amount of room for improvement is not something i can handle at every moment of the day. with all that being said, i’m going to take this time to share some ugly truths…they aren’t really ugly, lol, they aren’t just my usual talking points.

i’m not fearless, though i’ve been called that numerous times. i’m jealous even though i know that what is for me will always be for me. i’m lost quite often, can’t figure everything or everyone out & it drives me mad. i’m shy regardless of what yall think, lol. it takes A LOT for me to talk in front of people that i’m not comfortable around and just don’t know, period. i’m a control freak, i do much better in this realm, but when my “plan” doesn’t pan out i carry that as a defeat for far too long. i internalize damn near everything & have been since i can remember. it’s caused most of my physical & mental health problems. i hate myself for knowing these faults of mine and still slipping into the imperfection every single day. i know i’ll never be perfect, but if i’m working on these flaws, constantly, then why do i still slip? being human isn’t a good enough excuse for me.

i can pin point specific examples for each, yet i don’t want to. i don’t want to delve into the details because i don’t want to bring up anymore bad thoughts. i’m working on acknowledging when these slip ups and not internalizing them. ya know, just saying whoops + apologize + actually move on. not much in my has been forgotten, whether good, bad, or indifferent. all the memories come back in flash floods and torrential downpours, mostly when i’m having a depressed episode. (which was almost all of may) i get into this negative cycle & it takes a lot for me to get out, but releasing it in my notes, in this diary, to my friends & as tears are the biggest & most helpful ways to break it.

i’m not perfect. i have very real human flaws, but i’m supposed to better than that…at least, i think so. like jealousy is sooooo childish & i despise that it gets to me even after i put up a great fight. i will win the battle tho, i know it.

now yall have a pretty close look at my flaws, i’m still working on me, obviously. something about writing it all out just makes it much more real for me…harder digest because i dislike it so much, but easier to see where i still need to grow & change.

*smooches*

i’m chilling, i‘m chill.

take care of your mind & everything else will follow. that’s what i’m doing this week & those are the only words i wish to share right now. 

eventually i'll know..

today my mind & heart is very very heavy. i was confronted by the recurring thought of wtf am i doing in my career. my new mentor encouraged us to take the meyer’s briggs and strengthsfinder tests to learn more about ourselves and for me specifically to use that as a guide to figure out the best careers that align with who i naturally am.

i’ll never forget what this girl said to me about a year after i started being a full time engineer in the automotive industry. she said, “everybody isn’t cut out to be an engineer.” & i proceeded to curse her out in my head, but in real life asked what she meant by that. she said nothing, only shrugged her shoulders. i took it terribly hard because ma’am, you don’t know me from adam, who are you to say this to me while being a black woman in the field where there are only a handful of us in the entire building? i already have to beat down barriers with the millions of white men in the rooms i find myself in, but to hear it from a fellow black woman engineer truly pissed me off especially since she didn’t care to clear it up.

currently, i’m running the thought over in my head a few more times because taking the quizzes is making me realize that she was right. my personality and natural talents don’t really align with engineering. engineering was actually on the short list of careers to avoid for my personality type. i crave working socially, being creative, helping the community, expressing my true self…all of these things i have not been able to receive by working in my current industry. i’ve found SO many outlets to suffice the want, but i don’t think it’s enough…but i can’t help feeling like i wasted my time in school and in this industry attempting to make myself fit and make the job into what it isn’t.

i have no clue what i want to do. well, that’s not true. i have some clues to what bring me complete joy and what doesn’t. i just need to do much more digging because i’m close to losing it in this office.

another major conflict i have is that in this company, the task (typically never a really urgent task) is much more cared for than the person. i am a person before i’m an engineer just like they are people before they’re coworkers or managers or whomever. why must i be berated for being myself? for doing the work in my way? if there’s no training for the job position…how can we properly compare the work, let alone the worker.

my mom and great friends reminded me that it’s all in God’s hands and that stressing about it won’t make it pop up any faster…but i wish it would. i don’t want to be miserable for 8+ hours every week day, but i don’t see any other way to be until i figure it out. this sucks, but it is what it is. it’ll reveal itself eventually.

behind the scenes

the biggest rewards always require the longest waiting time. seed time. developing time. the fruit takes the longest in the process. don’t stop. trust the process. even if it’s frustrating. especially when it’s frustrating, actually, that’s when the most growth is taking place.

i wrote that down as i was listening to a sermon and let me tell you, i was shouting by the end of it. God has a truly magical way of working. it’s something that i know that i’ll never understand, but i’m very likely to keep trying, lol. i’m a strong believer in “everything happens for a reason.” but over the years i’ve dialed back the calculating of my own future because i’m never going to be in total control so why waste my energy and stress myself out? no thanks. i ride through life with the faith that God has me in His hands and some things are not for me to understand…until later. what has helped me arrive at this conclusion is taking the pressure off, which i still struggle with but this fact has changed my life: there’s no limit to the reason. we, as homo-sapiens, has this dyer need to figure things out, make things make sense, and get the right answer when there is no right answer…it simply just is what it is. because i know i crave reasoning and detail it, strangely, made it easier to say “this is not for me to understand.” i trust that if it were for me to understand then i would! everything relates back to math for me. often, the reason i excelled in math was because i was able to simply accept some rules as fact, especially in differential equations (basically like calculus 3, which i LOVED) or in mechanical design. if the answer was ‘xyz’ and we were looking for ‘nyl’, then we know something went wrong, so we go back and look at our conditions or rules. if the rules were followed, then we have to use the next steps associated with ‘xyz’ and not ‘nyl’…that slightly confused me, lol, and i know what i meant to say. try absolute value. the absolute value of something can never ever be negative. like, ever. and that makes sense because at the end of the day it’s the magnitude of the value. whether it’s -2 or +2, the absolute value or magnitude of the number is 2. makes sense, right? well in higher math classes there are a plethora of rules that some old man or woman did a million years worth of research to figure out just so we could have it easier and not go down a rabbit hole going through the process.

let me try a real life example; you’re running late for a meeting and as you’re leaving home you realize you forgot your phone on the bathroom sink, which makes you even more late. you grab it, get back in the car to realize that you forgot your glasses (or wallet for my 20/20 vision folks). now you’re an extra 5 minutes late to an important meeting that you were already late for. how you gonna act? me, i’m pissed at myself and stressing myself out trying to make up the extra time. then within all of that rushing and fussing i see 3 accidents on the road and immediately think…that could’ve been me if i were on time. or i get to the meeting and everyone understands or they’re late too! what i’m driving at is that some things are out of our control and the things that are in our control won’t always go perfectly, but believing that it’s all for a purpose like personal growth or just to avoid an accident or a simple, annoying reminder that you’re human.

it’s hard, annoying and truly frustrating, but little mustard seed faith will get you through. everything is happening as it should for your overall life plan…even if it’s not exactly the plan you set for yourself. it’s weird growing up and being told you’re only in control of yourself to only realize that your bubble is much smaller. i used to think any move i personally made was me being in control, but there are so many more factors behind the scenes that i don’t get to see. i can give my everything and still not get the gold. it doesn’t mean i’m not worthy or i’m being punished, but there’s probably a lesson i need to learn before i get the shiny thing. but hey, there’s plenty of other things i’m champ at and i only got to this level but continually trusting and living so i just gotta keep living and trusting. it’s hard, but i’m capable and so are you. we got this. but i’m probably going to sulk and be frustrated about it for another hour & then i’ll look at all the good/great in life. gotta “feel it through,” as much i hate doing that, smh.

*smooches*

what's your favorite game?

ok so boom. life happens. a lot, lol. but if your perspective is relatively positive, you’re payed up, and you’re adaptable then every little thing will be alright. this is my biggest lesson of my 20s, thus far anyways. (sometimes i act/sound like i’m much older than i am, but i’m only 24 lol)

i put myself through tons & tons & TONS of stress by holding on too tightly of what i think is supposed to happen, who i’m supposed to be, what i’m supposed to do, how i’m supposed to live, essentially. when in reality, the only thing i’m supposed to be is myself and do what makes me the happiest and proudest. i think we all have an unhealthy obsession with the whole idea of “supposed to.” think about it…did you eat what you wanted or did you eat what you’re supposed to?? ok, that was probably a bad comparison because we all need a healthy diet so we can be above ground as long as we want. how about this: your job? did you take the offer because you wanted it or because you’re supposed to work? do you date because you’re supposed to be married by 30 or because you want to? (no offense, but my grands have damn near beat this rhetoric into my dna) these two are the most pressing questions that keep me up at night just circling in my head. the only way i am able to get any rest is by knowing and trusting that where i am right now is not where i will always be and that life is very much a process, so there are things i need to learn before i move to the next level. with the latter thought, i kinda treat life like a video game. you have to complete certain tasks before you level up and just because you did xyz and got a medal in the past doesn’t mean that’ll it’ll happen again because new moves are required on new levels.

tbh, that’s all i have to give this week. i’m going to read & reread this one a few times because i’ve been stressing, managing it, but still stressing! i’m juggling blessings and trying to figure out the moves i need to level up or just stay right mfn here, lol. i hope this helped!

*smooches*

choppa style 2.0

my hair cut lifted me. with every snip i almost cried, but didn’t because i’m a thug, obviously…but also because all the guys in the shop were staring at me like i was crazy already so i didn’t want to give them another reason to act out. trust & believe as soon as i got in my car that i balled my eyes out because i felt so free. i can see myself. my full self. nothing is in the way. not a curl that won’t fall quite right nor any straight hair holding me back from having a good time because if i sweat at all, it’s over. no cares, no worries. just me.

the first time i cut my hair off, i was nervous + i did it just because, lol. it was just something i wanted to try, but i never thought i’d end up loving it! i guess i only let it grow because of outside pressures and the newness of it shook me up a bit, not to mention the whole little boy look, lol. ya know society and its weird, obsessive control over black women and what they should or shouldn’t do. so i just gave in, plus it grew so quickly i felt like i had no choice, lol. but with it growing back, i was so conscious of the way it looked. more than i’ve ever been, tbh. all the color experiments, protective styles (that’s the only thing i miss, yall know i love some faux locs), wigs & hats/scarves were just covering my dislike. with every inch it grew i felt like i was dying. confidence dwindling. begging for another inch because that’s supposed to make me feel prettier, right? all the work i put into my hair and it was never perfect enough for me. never. i just felt like i was hiding behind it. begging for someone to say they liked my hair only for me to talk down their compliment. i still don’t understand it much like i don’t understand some people’s dying wish for me to grow it back. idk. i just want to be me. just me & all that entails. these random freckle/mole things that are popping up, the popped chicken pock by my nose, fluffy brows, the almost dimpled cheeks, dark eyes full of expression, even my forehead with the super weird hairline from too tight braids & ponytails, all of it. i’m embracing me…idk if it’s the first time ever, but it’s definitely the first time i’ve spoken about it.

i’ve never been the over confident girl, but i was always told that is how i come off. i guess that means i’m a pretty good actress, but, honestly, i actually feel it now, lol. i’m still not the best with accepting compliments, BUT i’m much better with giving them to myself. i’m much more comfortable with myself. i can’t really put it into clear words, but y’all! i feel free! and tbh, since the cut my life has taken some rather crazy shifts that made me grow at a ridiculous pace. mostly in the honesty area. i ‘m not out here lying to everyone, but i definitely do hide a ton of thoughts. not because i don’t trust my people…i just don’t like confrontation or negativity so i have to meditate on an issue before i express it just to make sure i express it properly. but back to this hair stuff. i’m oozing confidence, lol. i’m believing in & trusting myself more than ever. i’m speaking up more, even at work! & tbh, that’s huge for me. i’ve even told some about my modeling & other creative ventures…i’m pretty positive i cut off all my inhibitions along with my hair & i couldn’t be happier.

before you ask if i’ll grow it back…probably, but idk when and i’m not about to waste great energy thinking about it.

*smooches*

friendship lite

i can’t do part time friendships or friendship lite*. it might not be that i can’t do it, but i have no interest. at. all. my relationships with people are quite deep & as you can tell i run my mouth quite a bit and i do not have time to babysit feelings, not even my own. i need my friends to understand and know me fully. granted i realize that that’s an ongoing task that’ll likely never be perfected but i need the effort because that’s what i bring to the table. yes, i know everybody can’t do this or may not even want to & that’s perfectly alright, lol. for those that don’t wanna do it, by all means don’t, but also don’t expect me to try to get close to you. i make this pretty clear with all of my relationships. platonic or romantic, i have to keep it honest because i don’t want anything negative to be attached to me. just because it’s probably inevitable does'n’t mean i can’t still try.

i believe a lot of people overstep or misread relationships, including platonic & romantic. it all goes back to the big picture of how that person was raised and methods of communication...which is why i talk so much, lol. we all get lost in this alternate reality in our heads that could be right next to the truth, but because we haven’t done the necessary research, it’s still just something our heads conjured up. thinking, planning, plotting, and then being disappointed when someone doesn’t do what you thought they were going to do. i spent way too many years allowing others to tell their version of my story and making up impossible ones, but that ain’t happening anymore. no thanks. that’s why i tend to over-communicate...even if it’s just in my head. my goal is to be on the same page, not the same thought or sentence. i want to understand and be understood, dasit. ask all the questions. feel all the vibes. ask more questions or even the same questions. humans are ever-changing and growing so we gotta keep up…and allow people to change, but that’s a different conversation.

i’m not even going to lie, asking the necessary questions can be really difficult and trusting that someone is being open and honest can be just as difficult, if not more. but in my life, i’ve definitely won so much more by going out on a limb and having the hard conversations. i’m going to learn something regardless, it could be that this person needs to be cutoff or that i need to be a better person, knowledge all the same. PLUS, once you get the answers your head can stop spinning with the “what ifs” and if that ain’t motivation enough then idk what is!

* smooches *

brighten up

i truly feel like my friends, even distant friends, are all interconnected & hyper psychic! i’ll be minding my business scrolling on ig or twitter and boom! a very private thought i shared with no one is posted by a friend and i immediately check to see who was stalking my brain because it happens way more than i like, lol. i’m well aware of the cookies & google listening to my conversations, but i think my friends are in my head, too. they have to be, that’s the only thing that makes sense! or it’s just God’s timing, but the thought of my friends putting a thought tracking device in my head like a horror movie is pretty hilarious, lol. this thought that my friends stole from my brain is, “why do people rally around or celebrate you more when you’re down rather than when you’re up?”

i found myself thinking of this more more often than i care to admit because it’s true, but hopefully with good intention. it’s pretty much involuntary to give love to those that need it aka those are down in the dumps, but why does someone need to be sad in order to be built up? is there something in our brains that tells us to fix the sad? whenever i see sadness i always ask if the person wants to be hyped up or if they want to vent, it’s definitely helped me whenever i feel down. this way i’m not rushing to a solution that may not even be necessary. plus most often, if a person is outwardly showing that they are sad it’s because they can no longer hold in the hurt so the natural reaction is to give them verbal flowers to feel better. so for those that handle all of their sadness within themselves, they just never get celebrated because no one can actually see their hurt, which sucks! that’s why i continually hype people!

i love to build people up! it’s my fav hobby, lol. i would love to get others to do it more often too because everybody needs it, tbh. but truly because unless someone reaches that breaking point you never know what someone is going through. plus, it only takes a few milliseconds out of your day to put a smile one’s face, which also makes you smile. now i’m not saying this to ask for compliments, but to encourage you to constantly build each other up even when things are good, that only means they can get better.

oh, by the way, you’re popping asl and i can’t wait to see what magic you choose to share with the world.