i’m honestly having a crazy little battle in my head between these two ideas:
“it’s not even that bad, stop stressing. doubting yourself & God will only bring turmoil”
”feel it through, it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling because you’re trying things you’ve never imagined.”
these thoughts aren’t necessarily directly opposed, but they definitely aren’t close friends. i’m in this state of fear that always comes when i’m attempting to do something new & usually BIG. i get stuck in stupid doubt when too many things are changing because i’m just like…”why are things changing??” i’m good right here, doing this & that. but then i want to try something a little extra and then a bunch of other factors in my life are like, “well shit, we might as well switch it up too!” you can imagine my enthusiasm or lack of. so, of course, i’m throwing my tantrum because i’m trying to level up, but still wanting my life to stay the same & apparently it doesn’t work that way. smh.
i’m “keeping the faith,” as my granny would say, but lawdhamercy, i’m lost in thought and potential endings to the story. i have like 25 (great number) different outcomes in my head going on and majority of them are quite positive, but them “other” ones are still daunting. i sometimes, well always tbh, feel like if i’m not standing firm on the Word than i’m not being a good Christian and need to find some way to figure out how be a better one….but then i’m likeeee i can always do much better with my faith, but i don’t think my faith being shaken is a good call to go praise. it feels more like a cover up like a child does when they got caught drawing on the wall or something. probably not the best analogy, but you get the point.
i truly believe God knows me inside & out, which means he knows how my brain works & that i’ll be constantly creating different endings to each story i become a part of..but then i start to question it, like bruh, couldn’t you make me with less anxiety, less worry & definitely less depression? i would love to be a “fuck it, it’ll be ok” type of person. i mean LOVE. i get so exhausted with worry that i can’t even describe the crazy scenario that i’ve dreamed up just because i know it sounds outlandishly horrible, but that doesn’t make it any less possible! whenever i get to this point i HAVE to remind myself of the tools i gained &/or refined in therapy because i can’t just forget all that work. that’s how this post started…i was spiraling out of control & then i remembered that i haven’t written in a week and a half so here i am, getting it all out. i hope some of this resonated with you because writing this all out truly made my head much clearer & i know i’m capable of handling whatever battles come my way. after all, God is in control & wouldn’t give me anything He ain’t think i could handle. (had to end with an old black christian proverb)