i feel free. i never knew that i didn’t feel free until i did. i took a break from contemplating everyone’s wants, reactions and needs before my own, calculating how much nadia i can share with a certain group instead of just letting myself flow naturally. granted, i’m a calculating person, naturally, lol. i can’t help it, i’m a neurotic virgo child. i can just be. in this current moment, i know that whatever i have to offer is enough. i’m enough because i’m living in my full self, on display. vulnerable, scared, but sooooo worth it.
living and exclaiming my truth for the world to see has taken my confidence to a new height! everything feels, looks, smells and even sounds different! i would say taste, but i’d be upset if my taste buds changed lol, especially when i’m finally figuring out my favorite restaurants in detroit. i never felt like i was actually hiding who i was, but i, also, never really felt like i was being my complete self. while being bi is not my total identity, it is a part of it. it was pretty hilarious for a lot of good friends to reach out to me saying they’re proud and they suspected it all along, lol. i’m like well duhhhhhh. if you’ve ever listened and/or watched me, i feel like it’s pretty easy to come to that conclusion.
i feel like thank you isn’t big enough!! the response i received was just WAY bigger than i could’ve ever imagined. the love, understanding and comradery truly made me melt into a puddle of happy tears. all the negative and anxious thoughts were quieted, i could just be me for a while. and how often do we really get to do that? for a little anxious being like myself, it’s not very often. of course, i make time for myself to be myself by myself, but lately it wasn’t enough. putting out my truth on display was enough. i never thought this many people would read it, comment on it, support it nor relate to it! i just wanted to be honest. it hurt me back then, but so much growth has happened since and noting that was very very important to me. i got that tingly feeling while writing it…that’s how i knew it was the right thing to do. so many people just sent so much love my way and it went way beyond the diary post.
i am extremely proud of everyone that chose kindness in a world where you definitely don’t have to, ya know? i can’t truly put my gratitude into words. i have so much love for everyone that took the time to read my story, comment, share, and simply show me love. i’m starting to tear up as i right this because i just never knew it would be like this. i just wanted to be my full self. share my full self. get out of my own head and it generated something so much larger than myself. mega kudos to everyone man…i can’t say it enough!
…maybe i am a little bit more brave and fearless than i ever knew. i dislike boasting about, but now that the dust has settled…i can see it. i didn’t have to share, but in a way i did. i want us to keep progressing and the only way i know how to do that is to show my wounds and scars. not for kudos, but as a symbol that it’ll always get better. you & i have made it this far in life…i just know that there’s SO much more to do. i’ve always believed that transparency, communication and vulnerability are the strongest tools to mitigate conflict and misunderstanding. because of this, i have no problem opening up. i just gotta work on carrying my personal conflicts (i.e. anxiety, depression, negative self image) and allowing them to change my outlook on life and people.
i truly pray that my story has helped someone.
*smooches*