you know how the world feels like it’s crashing and burning for like WEEKS?…then the dust finally settles aka you cry it all out and release all the emotions you were keeping tucked away because you thought you could handle them by your lonesome when in reality you need a village of people to help you understand everything your own brain is trying to tell you. after that, you everything through a sepia toned lens. everything is just chill, you can accept life for what it is without trying to control…or at least trying to not control it as much, lol. my lens became a beautiful blue this past few days and YALL, it’s gorgeous! idk what i did…well i kinda do know. i just started saying “why not” a whole lot more and trying shit that i never thought i’d be good at and it’s been received in a way that surprised tf outta me! i’m being much more genuine and doing things that i want to do on my terms, with my own voice, and breathing in the confidence that people have always told me that i had. coming out a depressed episode is usually never easy and that’s been the same for this go round, but the more i acknowledged what i was actually feeling, rather than running from it, the more i healed from it. also, my fear of it returning definitely fueled some of my “why not” spirit! my thought process was this: try anyway, you said no to a lot while you were depressed, but that’s over so you have to try. i probably have a few run on sentences and i’m not going to edit them because i had coffee today and my mind is literally going a mile a minute, lol.
last week, i had maybe 4 different opportunities to take my brand to a new level through personal growth conversations with my mom, collaborating with others (the unstoppable mvmnt!) and just working working. i feel powerful and full. even when sitting in the corporate office, talking to people is much easier because i know i’m not stuck here. yes, i know i have many more things to do, but i know in my heart of hearts that this isn’t anywhere close to my end story.
…so super duper transparent moment. something happened at work that really shook me up because y’all know me & this environment don’t really vibe. i really let it take over the rest of my day…i became irritable, pissed & sad. all because idk what’s about to happen, which is normal, but it felt so mfn ominous. like whaaaaaat tf do they want from me. i kept it together during the work day, but that wasn’t too too hard because i had a bunch of stuff come up…but soon as i got home i started to feel worse. i did some artsy thing, nailed it & still felt bad. i made myself watch something tear worthy after venting to my best friend because i could feel the tears, but they wouldn’t drop. i think it worked for the most part. the negative feeling was/is still here, but i’m accepting & letting go. after all, i’m on in control of my reaction…so my reaction was full on rage, lol. but you see, that “lol” is so important because i was able get it all out. am i still pissed? HELL + YES. but i have next steps & other things to focus on. i needed to cry, curse, & scream to really let it go (i wish i had kickboxing today), but i finally let go. like i said way before the bs ensued, this ain’t the end of my road.