yallllllllllllllll! i did it! i gotta job, i’m able to participate & help myself again 😭

well writing that made me a lil sad that i, genuinely, felt like i couldn’t participate in my life. i couldn’t afford to. it was all so other worldly. almost like i was watching it on the netflix chile. i think i still feel like that, just detached.

i’m trying new and old ways of grounding so that i can be more present. i’m enjoying making lil lists of what i’ve been doing too soooooooo:

• journaling

• walking with friends

• actually sharing deep emotions with tribe

• yoga

• vinyl records

• sitting outside

• meditation playlists

• cleaning only so i can lay on my floor

• watching something from disney

there’s prolly some others, but that’s all that’s in my head rn. it’s just a lot of living to see to what happens next & trying not to overthink the next breath.

shaky biz

so remember in the last post, i was like “lemme get back to using my tools(coping mechanisms).” so yeah, shit done flipped upside down since i said that & acted on it. like flip it & reverse it. so much so that i wanna bask in it a lil more before i announce what’s going on fr.

i’m so damn proud of myself!!!!! 5 months down & now the tides are turning chile. analytically, i’m lowkey calculating how long i felt different emotions, what i was telling myself, who/what was i asking & what was i doing. not for any real reason than reflection.

i did my hair & my nails to celebrate so far, but my lil dollar store press ons keep popping off so i gotta change em 😂😂.

i do also wanna admit that i yam hardheaded & i get it from both my parents lmao. they, along with so many, just kept affirming me that:

• everything is ok & will continue to be ok.

• i am not everything i think or feel.

• god got me/ keep the mfn faith

• listen to my intuition

• gotta keep trying

• gotta flow with life instead of resist

• i still deserve good tings even when i feel like a poopsicle

• dance more!

• create more too!

• this too shall pass, i mean everything chile

a bunch of love that i fought along the way. i’m so thankful for everyone’s faith in me, they really never gave up on me fr. i was being a sourpuss with good ass reason, but i was just stuck in a cycle of doubt, depression, worry & scaredypantsness. through allat & more going on in my head, i had to mfn try to find any & every job possible. side hustle, resume update, portfolio update, interviews, mentor meets, friend meets, consultations, traveling, shooting shots, creating content, figuring my hair out, & my eyebrows. whew, it was so hard trying to get it balanced.

i wanna always be grateful. period. full stop. so while i was in it, i learned how to pivot my thinking to find something to grateful for…instead of- occasionally along with- crying about everything that was wrong. that was the balance that i could actually attain. instantly if i was really tapped in like that. it’s like tattoo pain, when it gets to a rough area you refocus your mind to something else like a cold water bottle. i think it helps a lot if there’s a sensory element along with the brain switch. oh! i guess i should give an example of what i actually think about, too. if nothing else, i’m usually thinking about the colors around me. literally, how much orange is in a room?

now that i’m thinking about it, i’m pretty sure this is something i learned from my past therapist. s/o to miss ma'am! she dk it, but she looked like she could be my maternal granny’s long lost lil sis. eyes & smile & skin! my goodness her skin, just like my granny smooth and dark, but shines so bright when she smiles. she really doesn’t know that her teachings & her being helped me heal some family trauma. well shit, she knew that lol. i told her when i “graduated” from her, which i still ain’t a fan of, but it’s cool. when she told me we was done, i bout lost it. because how you get me to open up & better myself like this just to be like “bye” ???? shaky business 😂

it’s just everything

i’m really proud of past me for creating this world of mine, but im a lil disappointed i haven’t utilized it a bit more… thankfully i get to come back to it.

i’m catching myself up atp. it’s been so long i’m really stuck on how to even start lol. i mean, it’s really been a while since i let it out in this way. imma just let it flow

the things that i’m still working hard to accept & grow through include:

1. my granny transitioning

2. funemployment

3. kinda dk what my purpose is or wtf i’m supposed to do, but that’s not for a lack of mfn trying

most days, i still struggle to recognize myself because of all the major changes in my life.

firstly, grief is a bitch! i honestly thought i had a handle on my grief patterns with so many people that have passed away in my family. i used to recite it like a fun fact any time a friend needed advice for getting through grief…between 2016-18 i loss around 15 people. the passing of my aunt cent in 2018 pushed me to create this diary. i had plenty of practice with losing earthly access to people i loved, but losing the last adult that i felt actually knew & valued me…has not been easy. she was my girl. she encouraged & disciplined me at the same mfn time. she taught me trust. we’re so much alike, in our own worlds and just visiting other ones.

also, she was FINE!! no sickness im aware of. she was chilling in her hospital bed in her living room watching tv with my pop pop. god just came & picked my shawty up. spiritually, im thankful she’s not in any pain & ik i can communicate with her even now…but dayummmm!

& i still gotta mfn work bc i used all my vacation to handle family business & bereavement. they only gave me 3 days bc my granny wasn’t considered immediate family or some bullshit.

secondly, i found myself at the end of a road. just dropped tf off with no explanation nor regard for my life. i should’ve seen it…actually i kinda did, but i was still in a haze of “wtf i just presided over my granny’s funeral & buried her. wtf wtf.” i smiled walking out the elevator & didn’t look back at that horrendous hr rep. it confirmed that i wasn’t supposed to be there & that i was being taken for granted. so officially fuck dat shit. cutting the cord & releasing!

thirdly bih. depression, isolation, anxiety & pain on replay! i just could not believe all this shit happened within months of each other. it’s still wild af. this year i made a promise to myself to start my days with gratitude & positivity because a bitch was stuck on the couch no matter where i was. & i truly hate that my parents saw me like that…but also kinda thankful bc i wanted them to know i’m not lying about how i feel. i be thinking that’s all life is sometimes, just pushing through any pain you feel, specifically, to make money go live, but fuck that shit. i was barely getting by with working for them & pushing through so much pain, it is not worth it. so i paused my life. kinda. i was still v much applying, talking to mentors, & trying to create a way out of it. after all, i’ve been hurt like this before so i should know how to feel it through. lmao. wrong af.

it’s been about 7 months since we buried her & about 5 since funemployment started & maybe 2 since i started calling it freelancing. i gotta move back home & start over, which i’m terrified to do. mainly bc it was never in the plan. the specific plan was to never come back home, only to visit. but shit, everything changes. so i’m going home to va to live with my dad for the first time ever. i just, whew chillay.

thankfully, i’m moving through it, but this bitch ain’t no hoe so y’all coming with me!

i keep randomly saying “for whatever reaso…” & then naming the exact reason lmao. part of me is saying listen to myself more & the other side is blaming every single inconvenience in external forces! like ma’am, is it oochy wally or is one mic??? -i just realized there are generations that don’t get this saying…weird.

anyways. im excited about life again. i’ll be trying something new while refining what i already know! y’all know i love multitasking & learning so i’m positive the outcome is going to be beautifully mindblowing!!

i need to catch y’all up tho! a bih has moved to miami!! no more detroit drama for da girl! sunshine & looney tourists only lol. it was a bit of a rocky start, which is to be expected with moving across the mfn country!! there was a hospital visit/scare & some money woes, but there’s also been a workshop that i hosted with some dope ass artists! (i linked it, so click it & check it out)

i also went to a mega award show for advertising! it was mfn dope to meet my classmates from one school & to really vibe.

right now…im just gone with the wind man lol. im open & excited af for the next thing!

why not embrace it

morning text from daddio: happy 4200000!!!!

😂😂, i love that man! but also, im really proud of the way i’ve been honest with my ever changing parental unit. they handle me with as much care as they possibly can & be listening when i need space &/or just don’t agree. (not perf, but still great)

basically, we (you+i) are gonna document a fun filled 420day because why tf not?? this is my life & i love it & i really miss ranting to y’all, so lemme trick myself back to it by rewarding myself with oui’d. & other small gifts because y’all should know i don’t play bout treating myself!

ok, so now it’s lunch time & i’ve decided on 3 treats:

1. hair bleach so i can lighten my eyebrows

2. krispy kreme donuts so i can reminisce on the tradition of getting 2 assorted dozens whenever aunt jessie & i were in hampton

   • while i wait for my fresh donuts…i’m so over ig!! i started the reels monetization right & i was working it bc i had a goal, but they keep canceling my shit lol. & then gaslight me by giving ads asking me to sign up!! like y’all are wrong & y’all know it! anyway, imma still sign up again…but still!!

   • yallllll! there’s a cfa literally across the street! so now i gotta get some homophobic fries

3. king palm minty cones 😈🍃= took 2 stops, but got it done! shoutout to my good sis for putting me on the flavor king palms

oui’d marketing is really taking off in detroit as I skedaddled, but i’m breathing through it, chile. no other choice tbh. but I do think I wanna get in my influencer bag again, so I will, but in time. I don’t wanna quickly say yes to the wrong things just bc I'm pressed.

lololol, I broke my favorite bowl for smoking. i’m releasing it, but i’m still a lil hurt because i’ve dropped it so many times & nothing, but on today it shatters!

ayeeee, check me out getting my work done! earlier than expected. amen amen. i’m gonna go frolic tonight. I think anyways.

embrace yourself.

*smooches*

trying

it’s always some weird ass shit that happens to bring you back to your roots, ya know? picture living a beautiful aww life & then boom! moving costs, hospital stays, hospital bills, holiday traveling, relationship woes, art shows & hoes! it’s looney! but im remembering that i can be carrying everything just carry it. sharing in my diary helped me move through some big ol emotions & milestones, so i’m back bih!

i need it for me. just to get it out. an extra release that literally only follows my rules. & my only real rules are that i’m honest af & that i do it weekly.

well hey there

i didn’t even notice the imposter syndrome swallowing me this time. i think i masked it under humility and realisticness. (bleh) i’ve been downplaying my greatness and my ideas for no good reason. not any good reason i can think of anyways. it highkey took an almost stranger to call it out and now i’m mindblown & kinda mad bc how did i not notice that i was making myself so damn small?? like damn nadia, get it together.

& i will. i need to refurbish some self love habits so i can create & be myself again, boldly. think i’ll start with the loved mirror work, which is literally me just standing in the mirror nekkid hyping myself up! prolly some self portraits, too.

i’m not gonna lie, writing this feels WEIRD. but in a good way. i want to get back to the things that helped me dig out of dark places and stretched me in the greatest ways…including blogging. my mental needs it, i think. we shall absolutely see.

*smooches*

giving myself a win

i just want to take another step of being radically transparent & honest because, tbh, that's what makes me feel the best.

so.

it’s been a while, huh? guess why? bc of anxiety, punkassness, low adaptability, scaredness, uncomfy conversations, and needing to express more honesty in my personal life irl with my people. and that shit scared tF outta me! i mean, it’s fine to send a cool lil tweet, or even a blog about how i got through everything “in 3 easy steps” headassery. it got so damn hard yall. money got low, again. my body just straight up did not fuck with me. neither did my mind…or does my mind, idk. i’m struggling even in this moment to cope with this new life.

my first thought, “i’m not about to sit here and complain about relatively small hardships when the literal world is on fire. so much is going on!!” followed by my second thought, “nah, fuck that! this shit sucks, even though i super recognize how blessed i am to only have small hardships.”

see? it’s an ongoing internal battle just about 25/8. it’s exhausting. continually. but when i do find energy that doesn’t make me question if i’ll be awkward around peeps, i instantly begin worrying about how long the energy will last and am i using it wisely??? i’ve been trying to cope with this rollercoaster with oui’d, batch content creation, stretching(ouch), ganja, stress relief tea & journaling. it’s been a battle, but i’m so thankful to say i’m winning! i guess…that’s what i’m not used to doing and standing in…my wins. i used to- occasionally still do- completely cry whenever complimented. because wow..someone thinks this much of me to tell me? how kind. but then i remember that people try to use my kindness against me and the fact that i am, indeed, the shit!

lmao, my mind is whirling, but i feel ok…just being able to share this and get it out, it’s my own personal win. OH! that’s another way i’ve been thinking about my tasks, as wins instead. i wake up & write down what wins i’d like to have today before i do things that i have to do. so far they’ve been quick content, taking a walk, cooking breakfast and stretching. it helps me prioritize and gives me an energy boost to get through tasks i don’t necessarily want to do, like cleaning. speaking of, let me publish this win & get to folding laundry.

*smooches*

next level plz

it’s so funny how my friends kick me in the ass at the best times. i was full fledge running away from my gift of freedom and moving in a way that lowkey made me forget my past instead of working with and through it. i literally turned my back on my past just because i went through therapy and forgave and blah blah.

basically , these are the thoughts swirling in my head 24/7. buckle up.

freedom in a black family is pretty unheard of. i don’t wanna sound like i was a slave to the family bc i wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have lasting effects of my upbringing. honestly, the one that lingers the most is that old stupid saying, “what happens in this house, stays in this house.” and as you can see, i’ve been trying to actively kill that narrative through this here blog, my content and my out loud type of lifestyle. i sincerely thought i had killed it dead, but it’s honestly my worst coping mechanism. holding it in. the hurt, the fear, the anxiety and worry, or any concerns that aren’t typically accepted in a black family…like me being bi, not going to church, wanting to quit corporate & be art, responding to any grown up with more than yes/no sir/ma’am or just simply being myself & having my own thoughts. periodt.

my family, as much as i adore them, has always been a huge stressor for me because it’s never been..steady? idk which word to use there…but ya get it. my parents divorced when i was a toddler and i was separated from what i thought my life was at a young age. i spent most of my life blaming my mother for it, but ik it’s not. then i chose to blame my granny then my dad, then my sister, then me for a long long longggg time. i’m still working through this part, tbh, but ik ik. i’m realizing(again) that life is way too complicated for a simple blame game & i’ll never be able to know every single detail about any situation concerning other humans.

i felt like the most loved black sheep in my family. i was the one that went to the private school and excelled in nearly everything, which is bomb af. (been that bitch, gon forever be that bitch) however, that’s when the comparisons started. my cousins weren’t as great academically, neither was my sister…so while they (elders) were scolding anyone else, i was always brought up. i was always the “guiding light” in my family and THAT SHIT IS EXHAUSTING. so growing in this and trying to figure out why i feel so “different” from literally everyone. i wanted to express myself and be loud and bold like the rest of my family, but i had shit to do! i had and still have to be this guiding light for my family…i’m the engineer. the one a lot of people lean on and i take that responsibility very very seriously. (but not taking peeps problems on anymore, thankfully).

with this new revelation, i’m going to be beating yall over the head with content and new stories that i want to tell very soon!

*smooches*

deadass

YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE. YALL NIGGAHS BETTER VOTE.

*smooches*

lil tings

this is a bit last minute for me, but i’m forgiving myself as i type because i been moving and shaking since last week…i do think i got my breath back tho! so mega praise to the most high for that, PLUS, i remembered to write something before thursday miraculously happened, lol. i’m hanging in there yall. all i can do.

for this check in, it’s a lil dry simply because i’m still working through some life stuff, so i’m gonna just make a random list of some bomb ass shit that i’ve done recently that has made me smile super hard!

• photoshoots been bussing!!

• self shoots have also been going bananas, which is separated for obvious reasons that i’ll simply explain by saying i have to be extra meticulous to set up the lighting, camera, my spot, my makeup, my styling, and mostly just how one slight shift can make or break it. plus, ya know, the ambiance and angles and such.

• no shopping!!

• partnerships & packages in the bag

• even in my corporate position i was recognized after i gave a bomb ass presentation to my baby aggies about what i do

• based on my performance on this ^^ other higher ups want to talk to me about having me on their team

• collaborating with other artists in numerous new ways

• creating a short story of sorts

• decorated my brother’s back yard for his birthday function with my sisters

• shit, i’m back to writing!

• taking breaks between creating or even during

• standing by my boundaries

• practicing kindness to myself

• trusting God & universe & ancestors

• listening to myself & just listening more in general

• using discernment moreeeeeeeee

• staying in my lane

• smoking & drinking less

• creating my own story…that i think i’m ready to start writing

for now, that’s it that’s all.

*smooches*

mr sun + mrs moon

he's always there for me...

even when i cant seem to find him,

he can get annoying, like hella annoying. 

like the kind to blind you in one eye if you stare for too long or the type to disappear for a while if you don't show enough appreciation & gratefulness. 

see...

so ugh...just himself. 

just boldly, brightly, intensely himself

that's all i ever want him to be,

as long as he doesn't stay too far from me

now, her? 

i honestly used to hate her...until i understood her. 

which i at least think i do now. 

she comforts me every single night.

i guess what really drew me to her is her dependability. she's never left my side even when i pushed her away. she followed me for years just to get my attention 

she grew me in ways that are more beautiful than any disney channel movie 

she shines so damn bright, but she cares too much to fuck up your sight. 

she so damn strong that if she chooses to turn away that the entire earth sways her way 

though he blesses us with greens of nature, she nurtures us with just her being 

2 year shawty

so lil baby needed a break break…baby is me, i am baby. i took a week off of work and focused solely on myself. 10/10 would recommend! it was amazeballs!

i was going through it man. it was heavy, sad, depressing, scary, all things negative. BUT i acted on it quick aF. i shut down any & everything that was making my heart race & my mind run laps. prayerfully, my tribe is strong af and close af, lol. i only drove 4 miles to get some help. i had a full breakdown day, which i thought would magically cure me, but alas…here i am sad afuckinggain. at least it’s not the same level. i’m super grateful for that.

i actually took a week off from corporate & regained some stability in my mental.

i…just dk at this point. it’s still the corporate bs that’s still kicking my ass. i know i’m not supposed to be here & i cannot wait to leave!!!! but uhh, i cant just up and quit my job without a fallback plan? my back up plan is…loading, i guess. but every single time i open this work computer i instantaneously feel like shit. like funky granny shit. lmao, it truly sucks!! i’m tired of even explaining it. i just don’t want to feel like this anymore.

SO i’m focusing heavily on my nerdia nadia. i’m giving content, creating like crazy, & moving in new and different spaces that will set me up for greatness. (see how i said “will” instead of hopefully? growth!) even struggling to write this & get back to being consistent with it so i can have my outlet about all of these big changes & sucky stuff. because CHILE, so much is going on from week to week, but also time is hella relative. that fact is a great, but occasionally a daunting one because when things are good, time stops…but when shit is the mfn worst, time also stops lmao. idk if any of this makes any bit of sense!! but hey, i’m trying!

*smooches*

me me me me

you ever got extra affirmations from people you never thought knew you existed? or had friends validate & boost your business? ever validated your damn self?!?

IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD.

to just be. being calm in the storm has never been my strength, but not necessarily my weakness either because it comes to helping others i’m so cool & calm. when i’m handling nadia shit, i tend to get slightly arrogant by thinking i’m the only one that feels the way i do, like it’s the first time this has ever happened. lmao, i can be so damn vain. but either way, i needed to delve all the way into myself to help myself. and what better time to do it than right tf now, during quarantine? i didnt like being forced into it at all, but it just reminded me that i’m not in control of anything but my own headspace. so, essentially, i’m trying to tell y’all that i’ve been going through a whole lotta stuff from money troubles, love troubles, mental slipping, skincare abysmal, diy’s going crazy tho! i literally have 5 projects started in my apartment that are keeping my mind busy at every minute. oh! also, music constantly playing, whether i’m on the phone, the tv is on or i’m napping, there’s something distracting me…or maybe helping me cope? i’m trying to be as open as possible to things having numerous meanings that grow & change, while growing me & changing me. i DO feel like i passed a major test of faith & self confidence? idk, i just took a hard, analytical look at all the things that i’ve accomplished & the things i still want to accomplish & the new things i’ve taught myself while being amongst my most self deprecating thoughts. i always hated that such beautiful things come from such dark places, but i also love juxtaposition lmao so i super conflict. 😂😂

anyway, i’m assuming you'd like a rundown of how i got this shit together, huh? well here it go:

1. i acknowledged all the stuff i was feeling by writing them in my journal & meditating on them

2. i decided to let it go. from that decision, i started to think & move differently. now, don’t get me wrong this is hard aF, but so worth it. once i decided, i pulled out all my coping mechanisms & tried a bunch til something actually helped. so this go round it was superman level affirmations, checking in with my mood before i committed to anything & taking everything in on a much less serious note.

3. forgiveness by remembering that everyone is trying their best & no one is perfect. so if i or someone happens to be a casualty of growth then it’s not intentional, it’s just this funky thing called life. also forgiving myself for being so disappointed in the way i treated & spoke about myself.

4. committing to taking every step lightly, but with full force honesty. speaking up for myself has been a struggle, but when i do it i feel an unmatchable power inside.

   basically, i’m taking full care of myself & it’s super hard & draining, but i’m not stopping. i’m learning & changing & growing like crazy so i’m just gonna enjoy the ride.

   *smooches*

i'm (trying to be) back

i keep starting to write & then stopping & then forgetting it’s wednesday & then i get upset with myself for missing another week of writing & 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️. it’s just a never ending snowball in the middle of summer. so basically you can see that i’ve been putting too much pressure on myself & damn near incapable of relaxing…i’m tired.

i feel like i’m floating from bad feeling to a worse feeling & then remembering my coping mechanisms & my blessings. i just….ahhh, idk. most days i’m pretty good, but i also admitted to a friend that it’s really REALLY difficult for me to get off of the couch. ( this realization really scares me, but also…wtf else am i supposed to be doing right now?!?) it’s quarantine, i’m supposed to stay on my couch? but there’s also plenty of nature waiting for me…yet i’m super stuck. this is also a good time to mention that i’ve always battled with being still. like a huuuuge struggle with it.

ALSO. i’ve been carefully plotting on my own downfall almost as much as i’ve plotted on my own success which is mega stupid & im actively stopping/correcting myself. i think i’ve made up a lot of stories for others too. let’s say a simple miscommunication happened, like i needed a quick answer or some shit & the person was napping…that's a guaranteed attitude from me right now & i really really wish i could stop. but in the same breath, wouldn’t the kind thing to do be to just respond at your earliest convenience? idk. i keep slipping on my discernment. i’m in between side eyeing everyone & giving the benefit of the doubt. idk which is right, right now. all i really know is that i’m exhausted AF & i’m sorry that my first diary post in 5-ever is so super depressing lol. i dont mean for it to be, but, shit, the world is going through a lot!!! and then add personal problems on top of that just makes my fucking head spin.

at the end of the day:

1. wear your damn masks & stay in the house

2. ALL black lives matter & we fighting if you disagree

3. keep learning how to best take care of yourself in these times (that’s my goal for the week & probably month)

   *smooches*

slight reminder

here are some old lessons that i think i just really forgot about, but have resurfaced in the past few weeks…or it could’ve been days, but time is a construct so boop. anyways, i’ll share them now.

1. worry is the thief of joy (or something like that)…i think it's actually comparison 😂. point is still valid tho

2. staying happy/joyous through “it” severely impacts how i get through it. keeping my head high & focusing on the good possible outcomes & practicing the mantra “i’m open to receiving” have definitely cut my bad days a lil shorter.

3. breathing & being still sincerely helps my anxiety, it gives my mind a break while my body connects to God, ancestors & universe to tell me what’s really good.

   3a. meditating and allowing my body to tell me what i need has CHANGED THE GAME. who knew my body had so much to say that isn’t purely sexual? from chakras to stones, it has opened my world to a whole new level of understanding myself. i like to think i've always been intuitive & self aware, but learning to trust my body to tell me what’s needed has been a major blessing. if you need a playlist or any help at all hit me up!! jk, that’s complicated, just click here or here if you don’t have apple music. this album, y’all. amazing!! just chefs kiss! it’s so different from the typical sounds that you find online & offers new mantras of encouragement as well.

4. let people be there for you. people, usually, want to be there for you…but we (aka i) have a superwoman mentality that makes me tell all help, “nah, i got it.” lol, i think it’s just an easy lie that a lot peeps will just let happen and go on about their day. but those peeps that push you to talk or just listen/wait for you to open up are SO important if you let them be. i almost superwomaned my way through a pms panic attack, but i let my tribe build me up & i was gucci!

these are just a few things that i’ve ran into over the past couple quarantine weeks. i hope this helps you to relax & breathe as we survive this the best way we know how.

*smooches*

+/-

nothing more, nothing less.

can’t make this up

let👏🏽me👏🏽tell👏🏽y’all👏🏽about👏🏽👏🏽my👏🏽mfn👏🏽👏🏽WEEKEND!

lol, i’m getting it together in my mental, but whew chillay! life will always happen, but the good and bad thing about it is that it’ll pass. whether good or bad, i think i’ve kept a pretty level head through it all. but ok, let me get specific because i cannot make this up! lolol

so, last week i started to get down because i really miss my mama & daddy. i’m bouncing between driving home & not driving across some states. but i just started to call more, talk more, create more & release more…it really helped! then i noticed my toilet making bubbling/gurgling noises…but i was also just watching some scary movies so idk what it was for a while, lol. so saturday morning as i was preparing for a virtual wellness retreat facilitated by OM Noire! (it was soooo damn bomb & healing & cleansing!) anyways, someone knocks on my door & i think it’s the mail person because i’ve been finding a lot of deals, plus i’ve been bored lol. then they knocked again & i was like,

“oh shit, i don’t have on pants! one sec!” i met my neighbor at my front door with a crop top & a towel around my waist, lmao. (mega face palm)

he’s like, “hi! i’m your neighbor, is your plumbing working?” lol, weird, right?

“uhm, noooope. there’s not a lot of water in the toilet bowl & it’s been gurgling, but that’s it.” mind you, i legit just showered!

“oh. ok. my shower flooded & there’s water in the hallway.” …yikessssssssssss & thaaaats craaaaazy. that’s all i got for you! lmao, in the nicest way, he asks, “do you rent or own?”

big pause

“i.own.” why dafuq would you ask that?? like why in the world are you trying me??? especially when your shower is full of shit.

“ok, i’m going to call management & hopefully get someone out here. & you’re sure nothings flooded?”

eyeroll, but “ok cool & no, but good luck. also let me know any updates.”

YALL. like 2 hours later, my neighbor & the coolest maintenance man were knocking on my door. main man of maintence, da homie aka older black man, knocks on my door. again, i needed to put on pants, but i chose sweats this time. they say the plumbers are on the way, don't use the potty or sinks or washers for a bit. ooook, i can manage that...usually, but this time my stomach was like OK YOU THOUGHT! so i went to a friends & then management sends an alert to all tenants that they're working on plumbing issues on the first floor bc there was water in my neighbors, shit in the gym & hallway! like whew! but i'm like ok, i saw then working before i left so that's fine i spend the night at my friends, no biggie.

the next morning, i get a call from management. and it's her cell number bc i have the office saved. she says, "hey can you not stay at home for a bit? they're gonna tearing down the walls in the hallway & y'all can't be there. so if you need a hotel, lmk." i'm like 😳☹️, WTF. ok ok, let me see if i can make arrangements i'll get back to you. i call my mom & tells me to ask what hotel & then get it....that made me hellllla nervous. so i text her, naturally.

me: hey, which hotel is it?

management: st regis

…

management 30 min later: i’m going to reserve your room, it’ll be in your name

me: THANKS!!

so i rush home to clean, pack & get shit out👏🏽the👏🏽way👏🏽!! that took 2.5 hours because so many negative outcomes filled my spinning head. i just tried to put everting on a higher piece of furniture. so nothing is really on the floor. i really hope it works if anything crazy happens. so then i leave to go pick up an order from my friend. i got us some emanadas! when i finally got there, everything set in because my dad finally called me back and i gave him the scoop. shit was wild! & i ended up needing a hug, several actually. but i relaxed down. then when i started to get up so i could dip, i started spinning negative possibilities and the fact that i cant cook anymore lol. all the groceries i bought...dead. & i forgot soap lol. so i had to go back. when i did, i saw ripped up base boards and carpet in the hallway. stickered up walls to mark where the pipes are & hella fans blowing super cold air. oh yeah, the door was closed to the hallway...i aint even realize that that was possible, lol. so i grabbed my stuff & dipped to finally check in the hotel. that was tiring. i finally got down & comfy in the bed...& it set in. that could be the last time i see my place, lol. it feels dramatic but it could happen. idk. but since it's out of my control, i'm letting go & taking care of what i was able to grab.

so that’s been my past couple of days. oh! also, my period just started too & ive just been chilling in this bland hotel room.

*smooches*

lalala

i’m not even gon hold you, i’ve been putting in serious work! whether it’s been with my journals (that you should check out asap bc they’re almost gone & with this pandemic idk when i’ll do another shipment), my site updates, self portraits, writing in my own personal journal, cooking up the finest cuisines or actually working from my couch on my corporate stuff, I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON ME. & ohhhh, i major cleaned! but i need to do it again, lol. i just wanted my home and my talents to bring me the most peace during this time and for the most part they have…i’m not going to act like i haven’t had any down days because that would be a super mega bold face ass lie. the thing that’s keeping me going right now is that good ol saying, “this too shall pass.”

i was reintroduced to this proverb a few months ago and it really resonated because it’s so true. nothing, well most tings aren’t permanent so why hold so tightly instead of letting go. if you’ve been here, enjoying my diary for a while then you definitely know that letting go has never ever ever been my thing! whew chillay, i’m not even gonna go there, you’ll have to dip back into some of my old diary posts for that tea. for now, i’m trying to enjoy what i can and let go of what i can’t. since i can only control myself anyways, that’s my focus. if it’s or they not making me happy or feel peace, then it has to go. i’m my own priority.

that took a lot for me to writ, tbh. i feel like i’ve been practicing it for a while, but just now starting to really feel it. or maybe i’ve felt it before, but i let it slip away. either way i’m really happy that it’s back!

now for the real major thing that’s bothering me through this pandemic…the ignorance of what’s actually happening + i’m sooooo sad that i’m in detroit without any family. like checking in on my old peeps isn’t enough right now. i really want to just get in my jeep & do an east coast tour to see everyone…but then i get terrified that i may put them or myself in more danger and i back out. idk, i’m still thinking on it. but before you get too carried away with the ignorance comment, let me explain. i really don’t think it’s fair that the media outlets are updating the tolls of death like they’re collecting baseball cards. i hate that so much is still unknown and we’re waiting for it to be figured out with this looney individual that’s in the oval office. makes no sense. plus, some people are legit still partying and whatnot like it’s not real! and a real niggah is extra tired of cooking and washing dishes, lmao. not. a. fan.

lol, ok. that’s all for now. i’ll check in next week.

*smooches*

day 52.8 of quarantining

man oh man oh man! i’m tired, lol. tired of planning my meals so far ahead, tired of scrolling on social media, tired of zoom, tired of just not being able to just move freely. it’s exhausting.

i just keep going through this cycle of “yay i’m home” to “fuck, are they ever gon let niggahs out” to “nah, this is the life!” to “😩😩😩, everybody stop being selfish and stay inside so this can be over & we can have a crazy lit summer!!” but no really, please stay the fuck inside. only go out for groceries & tbh, you can get it delivered, just tip well. my mind is tired of feeling caged. i literally grew up never really leaving my room because it was my own space, i guess, but now i think i just like to choose my own experiences. if i want to explore, then of course, i will…but only being able to explore my closet is pretty tired. lol, my choices are kinda gone. i feel like i’m on punishment with only one main, vital rule:

STAY IN DA HOUSE.

i’ve gone through so many cycles in my living room. most the time i’m straight. making tik toks, creating some content and watching movies has been great. but then i get tired of doing allat & then the quality goes down & then the frustration steps in & then irritation & then some sadness because every five seconds someone is like “use this time wisely, pick up a new skill, workout every day, exert all this extra energy! cook every gahdamn day!” i’m exhausted lol. and it’s just like why is all this happening right now??? 2020 is really something else. it has me thinking in new ways, accepting more truths, doing more to explore my true self, pushing myself to just do better in the most random ways & i’m truly grateful for that! BUT ALSO, WHEE WOO WHEE WOO! i’m tired man, so i think the lesson here is to learn new ways to keep my peace of mind…that’s probably my best positive spin of all this madness that i can give yall right now, lmao. i mean, it got me back into writing & taking pictures, so there’s that! check out my photog portfolio to see what’s new!

but also! stop putting pressure on yourself and others to do anything from creating something, learning something, or even finding the meaning of life…it’s all good to do what you need to do to stay ok in this hard season.

*smooches*