disclaimer: this is not a cry for help, but a realization.
i’m a loner. but not in the sense of always wanting to be alone, i feel like i’m forced into it by living here in detroit. i try & have gone to crazy lengths to become friends with people or to build strong relationships with people…that only care about what i can do for them. we probably all go through this and i’ve been avoiding the topic for a while because i was forcing myself to give everybody excuses to why i felt this way.
it’s like this. i’ll invite people out & a few may show up…late, but if i’m invited and i say i’m going to be there then that’s exactly what i’m going to do. OR randomly doing fun things, i do them alone because once again if i ask anyone they’re likely busy or already out without me. but i should go meet up them, right? it makes me feel like leftovers. but IF i choose to show up, it’s all love even extra love. it’s a really weird dynamic & i’m to a point where it hurts like hell & i’m tired of it. i’ve been setting boundaries with people, saying no more often and truly taking care of myself, but a niggah is EXHAUSTED. at what cost tho? damned if i do and damned if don’t. if i stay to myself and only go out when invited then i’ll never do anything. if i keep inviting myself, i’ll keep feeling like a tagalong. if i keep inviting people that i know won’t show up, then i \’m only hurting myself. my mom and older black folks always told me, “if they wanted you there they’d invite you.” so why am i still asking to join a group or to be invited to whatever is going on? i gotta chill, right? but then in the same breath, it could be an honest mistake of forgetting me for 3 years or people go through their own stuff so they can’t reach out to me or i could really be stand off-ish and don’t know it. idk the answer, but i do know that i’m going to have to get more acquainted with really being alone. all the time. it’s legit been my life since elementary. i find out about everything late, i’m continually feeling like an afterthought. the last time i felt like this was actually pretty recent, but i was going through an episode at that time so i thought i was tripping. but now i think i’m seeing it pretty clearly. i’m not for everybody and everybody damn sure ain’t for me. and that’s ok. it just took a while for me to sit with it & not be so hurt all the time.
it’s almost the same with my friends out of town, too. mostly because of the distance tho. when we can, we do & that’s how my friendships with my closest people has always worked. i tried to just lean on them with the hope of getting stronger relationships here in the city, but i can’t do that because that’s wayyyy too much to put on people and at the end of the day they have lives as well.
even re-reading all of this and reconsidering posting it after taking some time to actually let it go & get over it…idk, it all still resonates. my birthday is this weekend and i’m looking to my core group to help me celebrate of course, but i do still wish some relationships were stronger than they are, but i’m also overjoyed at the relationships that have crazy strength. i love my people and i try my best to not take them for granted, but the fact is still that i’m a loner, lol. but i won’t be for my birthday and for that i’m soooooooooo excited!