i’m happy i took a break & i’m very likely to be taking another one…but i figured i owed it to myself to not clam up again. so here we go.
it’s no secret that i’ve been on the struggle bus for quite a while, but usually i’ve been able to make it alright without having to completely isolate myself. i’ve been afraid to isolate myself simply because the last time i really did that i was depressed af. now i’m learning that there are more than one type of isolation and the type that i’m working through is for my own healing. there are some things that i have to help myself with and through…& now is most definitely one of those times. i learned to lean on my people so that i didn’t feel like the world was out to get me and suffer in silence, but i feeeeeeeel like i’ve all but put my entire body weight on some. that makes me feel like utter bullsh*t because i cannot stand those type of people! like how dare you put all your woes on someone, even if yall are besties or in love or whatever?? that’s super inconsiderate, especially when you think of all the stuff they could be dealing with, too. i think i’m finally getting a feeling for how much is too much, but it always helps to ask “can i vent” or “can you handle me venting"?” i love using these questions in my friendships, it has drastically helped our communication.
basically, essentially, down to meat & potatoes. i’ve had a lot of life go on in the past couple months & i think i’m getting better at handling it. i’m not about to rehash all of it for yall because i’m not trying to trigger myself or just relive it right now. but i willllll say that my relationship with God and myself is getting stronger, even though i’m currently pissed at both parties…i think i’m justified, lol. plus i need to feel everything (apparently). avoiding them and having fun is just prolonging the hurt and i’m super tired of that so i’m getting all the way through it now. i trust God’s plan and purpose for my life and i recognize that this hurt won’t last always. i’m just in the storm right now so it’s hard to see my way out and i think that may be intentional. i can’t think &/or plan my way out of this storm…i just have to flow with it. with Him. i’m trying. i sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wanna quit, but i can’t. *rolls eyes*
+ i felt bad for choosing not to share certain stuff with everyone…but not because content or whatever, but because i felt myself starting to clam up…& if ya remember, when i start keeping all of my life a secret i kinda fall into serious depressed and anxious episodes. i’m blessed + relieved that i’m not depressed through all this, but i have been a bit anxious & i forgive myself for that. thank you to everyone that has helped me and prayed for me. & if you’ve been struggling along too, i’m in your corner, lifting you up! you will get through this & i promise it’ll get better.