it’s so funny how my friends kick me in the ass at the best times. i was full fledge running away from my gift of freedom and moving in a way that lowkey made me forget my past instead of working with and through it. i literally turned my back on my past just because i went through therapy and forgave and blah blah.
basically , these are the thoughts swirling in my head 24/7. buckle up.
freedom in a black family is pretty unheard of. i don’t wanna sound like i was a slave to the family bc i wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have lasting effects of my upbringing. honestly, the one that lingers the most is that old stupid saying, “what happens in this house, stays in this house.” and as you can see, i’ve been trying to actively kill that narrative through this here blog, my content and my out loud type of lifestyle. i sincerely thought i had killed it dead, but it’s honestly my worst coping mechanism. holding it in. the hurt, the fear, the anxiety and worry, or any concerns that aren’t typically accepted in a black family…like me being bi, not going to church, wanting to quit corporate & be art, responding to any grown up with more than yes/no sir/ma’am or just simply being myself & having my own thoughts. periodt.
my family, as much as i adore them, has always been a huge stressor for me because it’s never been..steady? idk which word to use there…but ya get it. my parents divorced when i was a toddler and i was separated from what i thought my life was at a young age. i spent most of my life blaming my mother for it, but ik it’s not. then i chose to blame my granny then my dad, then my sister, then me for a long long longggg time. i’m still working through this part, tbh, but ik ik. i’m realizing(again) that life is way too complicated for a simple blame game & i’ll never be able to know every single detail about any situation concerning other humans.
i felt like the most loved black sheep in my family. i was the one that went to the private school and excelled in nearly everything, which is bomb af. (been that bitch, gon forever be that bitch) however, that’s when the comparisons started. my cousins weren’t as great academically, neither was my sister…so while they (elders) were scolding anyone else, i was always brought up. i was always the “guiding light” in my family and THAT SHIT IS EXHAUSTING. so growing in this and trying to figure out why i feel so “different” from literally everyone. i wanted to express myself and be loud and bold like the rest of my family, but i had shit to do! i had and still have to be this guiding light for my family…i’m the engineer. the one a lot of people lean on and i take that responsibility very very seriously. (but not taking peeps problems on anymore, thankfully).
with this new revelation, i’m going to be beating yall over the head with content and new stories that i want to tell very soon!
*smooches*