i keep starting to write & then stopping & then forgetting it’s wednesday & then i get upset with myself for missing another week of writing & 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️. it’s just a never ending snowball in the middle of summer. so basically you can see that i’ve been putting too much pressure on myself & damn near incapable of relaxing…i’m tired.
i feel like i’m floating from bad feeling to a worse feeling & then remembering my coping mechanisms & my blessings. i just….ahhh, idk. most days i’m pretty good, but i also admitted to a friend that it’s really REALLY difficult for me to get off of the couch. ( this realization really scares me, but also…wtf else am i supposed to be doing right now?!?) it’s quarantine, i’m supposed to stay on my couch? but there’s also plenty of nature waiting for me…yet i’m super stuck. this is also a good time to mention that i’ve always battled with being still. like a huuuuge struggle with it.
ALSO. i’ve been carefully plotting on my own downfall almost as much as i’ve plotted on my own success which is mega stupid & im actively stopping/correcting myself. i think i’ve made up a lot of stories for others too. let’s say a simple miscommunication happened, like i needed a quick answer or some shit & the person was napping…that's a guaranteed attitude from me right now & i really really wish i could stop. but in the same breath, wouldn’t the kind thing to do be to just respond at your earliest convenience? idk. i keep slipping on my discernment. i’m in between side eyeing everyone & giving the benefit of the doubt. idk which is right, right now. all i really know is that i’m exhausted AF & i’m sorry that my first diary post in 5-ever is so super depressing lol. i dont mean for it to be, but, shit, the world is going through a lot!!! and then add personal problems on top of that just makes my fucking head spin.
at the end of the day:
wear your damn masks & stay in the house
ALL black lives matter & we fighting if you disagree
keep learning how to best take care of yourself in these times (that’s my goal for the week & probably month)
*smooches*