i’m really proud of past me for creating this world of mine, but im a lil disappointed i haven’t utilized it a bit more… thankfully i get to come back to it.
i’m catching myself up atp. it’s been so long i’m really stuck on how to even start lol. i mean, it’s really been a while since i let it out in this way. imma just let it flow
the things that i’m still working hard to accept & grow through include:
my granny transitioning
funemployment
kinda dk what my purpose is or wtf i’m supposed to do, but that’s not for a lack of mfn trying
most days, i still struggle to recognize myself because of all the major changes in my life.
firstly, grief is a bitch! i honestly thought i had a handle on my grief patterns with so many people that have passed away in my family. i used to recite it like a fun fact any time a friend needed advice for getting through grief…between 2016-18 i loss around 15 people. the passing of my aunt cent in 2018 pushed me to create this diary. i had plenty of practice with losing earthly access to people i loved, but losing the last adult that i felt actually knew & valued me…has not been easy. she was my girl. she encouraged & disciplined me at the same mfn time. she taught me trust. we’re so much alike, in our own worlds and just visiting other ones.
also, she was FINE!! no sickness im aware of. she was chilling in her hospital bed in her living room watching tv with my pop pop. god just came & picked my shawty up. spiritually, im thankful she’s not in any pain & ik i can communicate with her even now…but dayummmm!
& i still gotta mfn work bc i used all my vacation to handle family business & bereavement. they only gave me 3 days bc my granny wasn’t considered immediate family or some bullshit.
secondly, i found myself at the end of a road. just dropped tf off with no explanation nor regard for my life. i should’ve seen it…actually i kinda did, but i was still in a haze of “wtf i just presided over my granny’s funeral & buried her. wtf wtf.” i smiled walking out the elevator & didn’t look back at that horrendous hr rep. it confirmed that i wasn’t supposed to be there & that i was being taken for granted. so officially fuck dat shit. cutting the cord & releasing!
thirdly bih. depression, isolation, anxiety & pain on replay! i just could not believe all this shit happened within months of each other. it’s still wild af. this year i made a promise to myself to start my days with gratitude & positivity because a bitch was stuck on the couch no matter where i was. & i truly hate that my parents saw me like that…but also kinda thankful bc i wanted them to know i’m not lying about how i feel. i be thinking that’s all life is sometimes, just pushing through any pain you feel, specifically, to make money go live, but fuck that shit. i was barely getting by with working for them & pushing through so much pain, it is not worth it. so i paused my life. kinda. i was still v much applying, talking to mentors, & trying to create a way out of it. after all, i’ve been hurt like this before so i should know how to feel it through. lmao. wrong af.
it’s been about 7 months since we buried her & about 5 since funemployment started & maybe 2 since i started calling it freelancing. i gotta move back home & start over, which i’m terrified to do. mainly bc it was never in the plan. the specific plan was to never come back home, only to visit. but shit, everything changes. so i’m going home to va to live with my dad for the first time ever. i just, whew chillay.
thankfully, i’m moving through it, but this bitch ain’t no hoe so y’all coming with me!