so remember in the last post, i was like “lemme get back to using my tools(coping mechanisms).” so yeah, shit done flipped upside down since i said that & acted on it. like flip it & reverse it. so much so that i wanna bask in it a lil more before i announce what’s going on fr.
i’m so damn proud of myself!!!!! 5 months down & now the tides are turning chile. analytically, i’m lowkey calculating how long i felt different emotions, what i was telling myself, who/what was i asking & what was i doing. not for any real reason than reflection.
i did my hair & my nails to celebrate so far, but my lil dollar store press ons keep popping off so i gotta change em 😂😂.
i do also wanna admit that i yam hardheaded & i get it from both my parents lmao. they, along with so many, just kept affirming me that:
everything is ok & will continue to be ok.
i am not everything i think or feel.
god got me/ keep the mfn faith
listen to my intuition
gotta keep trying
gotta flow with life instead of resist
i still deserve good tings even when i feel like a poopsicle
dance more!
create more too!
this too shall pass, i mean everything chile
a bunch of love that i fought along the way. i’m so thankful for everyone’s faith in me, they really never gave up on me fr. i was being a sourpuss with good ass reason, but i was just stuck in a cycle of doubt, depression, worry & scaredypantsness. through allat & more going on in my head, i had to mfn try to find any & every job possible. side hustle, resume update, portfolio update, interviews, mentor meets, friend meets, consultations, traveling, shooting shots, creating content, figuring my hair out, & my eyebrows. whew, it was so hard trying to get it balanced.
i wanna always be grateful. period. full stop. so while i was in it, i learned how to pivot my thinking to find something to grateful for…instead of- occasionally along with- crying about everything that was wrong. that was the balance that i could actually attain. instantly if i was really tapped in like that. it’s like tattoo pain, when it gets to a rough area you refocus your mind to something else like a cold water bottle. i think it helps a lot if there’s a sensory element along with the brain switch. oh! i guess i should give an example of what i actually think about, too. if nothing else, i’m usually thinking about the colors around me. literally, how much orange is in a room?
now that i’m thinking about it, i’m pretty sure this is something i learned from my past therapist. s/o to miss ma'am! she dk it, but she looked like she could be my maternal granny’s long lost lil sis. eyes & smile & skin! my goodness her skin, just like my granny smooth and dark, but shines so bright when she smiles. she really doesn’t know that her teachings & her being helped me heal some family trauma. well shit, she knew that lol. i told her when i “graduated” from her, which i still ain’t a fan of, but it’s cool. when she told me we was done, i bout lost it. because how you get me to open up & better myself like this just to be like “bye” ???? shaky business 😂