it’s monday night & i’m literally unable to sleep because i had coffee earlier & i’m sure of that because i’m actually tired, but can’t stop staring at the ceiling, lol. not even overthinking this time! i read a few chapters of Proverbs as i promised my mom that i would. it helped relax me & put some stuff in perspective. so super s/o to her! but i still can’t sleep so i thought it would be good to spend some time writing. especially since today was a hard day. anniversary of one of my aunts funerals & a host of other hurt just showed up today. i’m proud that i expressed it instead of hiding or isolating. i was reminded by some beautiful people that my feelings are valid & that i probably needed to do a personal journal entry to let it all out. (which is hilarious because that’s literally what i tell everyone to do, but somehow i forgot my damn self). so i wrote in my new orange baby journal, then went to target at lunch, cried a bit in my car & then went back to work kinda refreshed…with dried eyes of course.
i thought today would be a terrible day, but it wasn’t because 1. i had help & 2. i released my hurt. now, it still sucks & whatnot, but it’s a little less heavy now that i’ve expressed it. i must continue to feel it through & work to keep the tools i’ve learned in therapy strong. two things that i learned this year that have helped me tremendously are that you have to keep practicing to get better, which applies to self talk, love, and nearly every single thing that life throws my way. so i’m practicing to get more proficient at living a life that’s full of joy and peace. the other thing is that grief is like glitter, lol, stay with me. think of opening a canister of glitter, there’s almost no way to open it without making a mess so that’s basically the big event that causes the grief to spill out. then, you clean it up for hours and days and weeks and years in some cases, but there’s always a random speck of glitter grief that managed to make it through all of your cleaning and new coping techniques. now, i don’t mean to make it seem like grief is forever, but looking at it in this way helped me to understand that it’s messy, it multi-directional and can pop up at any time, which helps me to take off a ton of pressure to hurry up & stop grieving. that’s just not how it works. my entire world kind of changed when i learned that because i gave myself so much more grace to feel what i needed to feel and accept that it doesn’t follow a schedule…even though that would help me SO much. tbh, i’ve attempted to start looking at most emotions like glitter in this way because emotions rarely follow any type of logical rule & that’s irritating! but i like glitter lol.
this is likely my last post of the year/decade! it’s kind of scary…well, not really, intimidating is a better word because i want it to be impactful & hard hitting. but that’s way too much pressure, lol. and just like that, i think that’s my goal for next year. to continue to ease up on myself, give myself more grace, show myself more love & keep growing/healing. also!! i have some things planned for the new decade, i’m SO SO excited to keep moving forward & i hope all of you continue this journey with me.
*smooches & love*