guess i’m back or whatever. i’ve missed writing tbh, can’t even lie. there’s just been so much life happening that i haven’t been able to keep up. at. all. smh, but i do feel that my throat chakra is beginning to reopen again and i actually want to express myself in my world again.
i miss a feeling that i never had. i’ve never felt fulfilled. i’ve never felt like i knew what i was doing or like i was living in my purpose. i’m just really good at trying things & randomly being ok or good enough to continue. blogging once felt like my world & then i took a break because it became too much of a task & just too much pressure to articulate what was happening in my life when in actual muhfucking reality i have not a clue. i’m creating and working like never before & i still feel very very shitty. i have the most fun when i allow myself to, but it just hasnt’t been working out…at. all.
i feel just super lost in the sauce. like i’m just incapable of being happy or content with my life & career. which is definitely a hyperbole because there are spurts of it, but this corporate career is just not it. i’ve have damn near 6 different jobs in working here for 4 years and it’s just like nope, nah, dislike, HELL NO & ehh, i guess this is ok. i don’t wanna have this feeling. i don’t wanna be down about my own life. i don’t want to be sad, half assed or just blah about anything tbh. & most of the time i’m gucci. i acknowledge all my spectacular blessings, but i don’t want to feel ungrateful for wanting more. i don’t believe that God or the universe is satisfied with me just being where i am right now. i’m thankful for my growth, my experiences, the hurt, the great, and every other piece of it that i’m currently forgetting due to this sucky ass feeling. but gaaaaahhhh!!
i feel like i’m going too hard and not doing enough in the same tired ass breath. the journals, blogging, podcasting, traveling, dating, living & all the other pieces of it…i just DON’T KNOW. i’m ret to go. i’m ret for the next level. i’m tired of being tired and feeling stuck. i’m tired of wanting to go off on people that haven’t done anything to me in the office, i just hate the atmosphere so i’m almost immediately brought down. i’m tired of policing what i say & how i say it & who i say it to. i’m tired of planning my and life & calling it a dream. i’m tired of expecting xyz and receiving 123. i’m exhausted and it’s truly weird that i took a break from writing in order to “be still” just breathe and just “be” and then i went to create like 8 more distractions. i can’t even begin to tell you what i even want, i just want to be directed by the universe/God. like bruh, take all this stuff. idk what i’m doing. i’m just saying yes to His will and His plan. i’m just trying to be a good human through it all & bless others as i can.
also…i’m crying, but i do feel a lil better. i’m just tired guys. exhausted. maybe i’ll be back next week. we shall see.
*smooches*