changing my pov

lolol, i bet ya thought that i wouldn’t be back this week huh? it’s ok, me neither lol. but i’m feeling rather ya know, good af this week! that’s not to say that everything’s been perfect (at all), but overall the ups is upping!

i think the thing i’m most proud of is pushing myself through the nonsense that i created in my own head. it was weird, it was kind of like i was watching myself lay on the couch every damn day just letting life pass me by as i rewatched the office for the millionth time (it’s still bomb if you’re wondering). so i put my phone down & started cleaning up little by little. then i’d decorate little by little, package my journals and giveaway stuff & before i knew it i had completed all these tasks that i was stressing myself over. this happened over a good ol month so don’t even trip if you’re not ready to give yourself a push, yet.

there’s been a ton of good instances that were small in the grand scheme of things but i took extra time to appreciate them. like me finally getting back on my funky sleep schedule, remembering breakfast, not being upset because my friends are busy, doing my hair, lighting a candle…you get the gist. and now that i’ve been appreciating the small, bigger things are happening & i’m so excited for the opportunities coming my way! if that sounds cryptic, it’s definitely on purpose because i want to keep it close to the chest before i go blabbing about it lol. i’m excited for life…& i’m so thankful for it! just being free & remembering to enjoy & express myself in healthy ways so my head doesn’t explode…i can’t say thanks enough.

->i’m a lil late, but thanks for hanging in there with me! :)

*smooches*

we back

mannnnnn. i’m sorry to myself & to y’all for not making myself do this sooner.i kinda just wanna catch yall up on my bs so i can get back to weekly writing & releasing.

i’ve been feeling lower than low since the year began, but it’s forced me to really live & look forward to the best moments. and i often try to rewrite my own experiences by saying, “nah, it’s not even that bad,” or (my fav) “i’ve gotten through worse, so this will be over soon.” (without actually doing any work to help the feels run its course.

BUT i’m here today. i’m alright for the most part. i’m rather exhausted to be rather mfn honest, but still trying to pour into others, while pouring into myself. growing myself in hella ways like my journals, podcast Human Blacks, my Black History Month giveaways, and my very first content day…with all of this goodness happening, that i would be much happier and lighthearted. i really wish i was feeling better. i like desperately want to! i’m moving and helping and even sitting on my couch more just to make sure i’m not overextending myself. idk, it aint working. imma still try tho, yall definitely know me.

i finished this abundance challenge that was a 21-day challenge that was difficult to commit to, but i’m so extremely thankful for the lessons and tools learned. i super surprised my mom for her 60th birthday with my sis & step dad. she loved it! she still has some trouble with the thought of relaxation, but i think i can help with that. kinda got another reminder of family growing pains…some that i thought died because they were previously worked through, but nope. i’m so thankful for therapy and God’s will because if it had not been for therapy, i definitely would NOT have been able to handle the situations that occurred. (i’m being cryptic because its sensitive, so let’s move on) OH! i visited A&T to recruit for my company. the event was titled “your purpose,” so yall know i was in there ready to learn & talk to the students about something that i’ve been struggling with for many years. i just feel it was an anointed conversation and i truly pray that i was able to help someone in the room. also, major praise break, i actually shared my blog and other entrepreneurial ventures with them!! in a big way for me since i usually keep them very separate, it felt good to mix them. i was able to share my full self & my mentor, through my job, was actually in the room…it brought us even closer to hear some other stuff that i had not yet shared with her. it was a major moment for me. plus i was in greensboro, nc….which is essentially my safe haven. my peaceful place that i will probably forever return to just to take that much needed breath.

let me see…what else is popping…oh, i’m dating & such. it’s been really fun and a little scary in a positive way. i think that’s all i have for yall right now and tbh, it feels good to just plainly write it all out and i can’t wait to be back on my weekly release.

*smooches*

new year, same feels.

guess i’m back or whatever. i’ve missed writing tbh, can’t even lie. there’s just been so much life happening that i haven’t been able to keep up. at. all. smh, but i do feel that my throat chakra is beginning to reopen again and i actually want to express myself in my world again.

i miss a feeling that i never had. i’ve never felt fulfilled. i’ve never felt like i knew what i was doing or like i was living in my purpose. i’m just really good at trying things & randomly being ok or good enough to continue. blogging once felt like my world & then i took a break because it became too much of a task & just too much pressure to articulate what was happening in my life when in actual muhfucking reality i have not a clue. i’m creating and working like never before & i still feel very very shitty. i have the most fun when i allow myself to, but it just hasnt’t been working out…at. all.

i feel just super lost in the sauce. like i’m just incapable of being happy or content with my life & career. which is definitely a hyperbole because there are spurts of it, but this corporate career is just not it. i’ve have damn near 6 different jobs in working here for 4 years and it’s just like nope, nah, dislike, HELL NO & ehh, i guess this is ok. i don’t wanna have this feeling. i don’t wanna be down about my own life. i don’t want to be sad, half assed or just blah about anything tbh. & most of the time i’m gucci. i acknowledge all my spectacular blessings, but i don’t want to feel ungrateful for wanting more. i don’t believe that God or the universe is satisfied with me just being where i am right now. i’m thankful for my growth, my experiences, the hurt, the great, and every other piece of it that i’m currently forgetting due to this sucky ass feeling. but gaaaaahhhh!!

i feel like i’m going too hard and not doing enough in the same tired ass breath. the journals, blogging, podcasting, traveling, dating, living & all the other pieces of it…i just DON’T KNOW. i’m ret to go. i’m ret for the next level. i’m tired of being tired and feeling stuck. i’m tired of wanting to go off on people that haven’t done anything to me in the office, i just hate the atmosphere so i’m almost immediately brought down. i’m tired of policing what i say & how i say it & who i say it to. i’m tired of planning my and life & calling it a dream. i’m tired of expecting xyz and receiving 123. i’m exhausted and it’s truly weird that i took a break from writing in order to “be still” just breathe and just “be” and then i went to create like 8 more distractions. i can’t even begin to tell you what i even want, i just want to be directed by the universe/God. like bruh, take all this stuff. idk what i’m doing. i’m just saying yes to His will and His plan. i’m just trying to be a good human through it all & bless others as i can.

also…i’m crying, but i do feel a lil better. i’m just tired guys. exhausted. maybe i’ll be back next week. we shall see.

*smooches*

wrap it up then

it’s monday night & i’m literally unable to sleep because i had coffee earlier & i’m sure of that because i’m actually tired, but can’t stop staring at the ceiling, lol. not even overthinking this time! i read a few chapters of Proverbs as i promised my mom that i would. it helped relax me & put some stuff in perspective. so super s/o to her! but i still can’t sleep so i thought it would be good to spend some time writing. especially since today was a hard day. anniversary of one of my aunts funerals & a host of other hurt just showed up today. i’m proud that i expressed it instead of hiding or isolating. i was reminded by some beautiful people that my feelings are valid & that i probably needed to do a personal journal entry to let it all out. (which is hilarious because that’s literally what i tell everyone to do, but somehow i forgot my damn self). so i wrote in my new orange baby journal, then went to target at lunch, cried a bit in my car & then went back to work kinda refreshed…with dried eyes of course.

i thought today would be a terrible day, but it wasn’t because 1. i had help & 2. i released my hurt. now, it still sucks & whatnot, but it’s a little less heavy now that i’ve expressed it. i must continue to feel it through & work to keep the tools i’ve learned in therapy strong. two things that i learned this year that have helped me tremendously are that you have to keep practicing to get better, which applies to self talk, love, and nearly every single thing that life throws my way. so i’m practicing to get more proficient at living a life that’s full of joy and peace. the other thing is that grief is like glitter, lol, stay with me. think of opening a canister of glitter, there’s almost no way to open it without making a mess so that’s basically the big event that causes the grief to spill out. then, you clean it up for hours and days and weeks and years in some cases, but there’s always a random speck of glitter grief that managed to make it through all of your cleaning and new coping techniques. now, i don’t mean to make it seem like grief is forever, but looking at it in this way helped me to understand that it’s messy, it multi-directional and can pop up at any time, which helps me to take off a ton of pressure to hurry up & stop grieving. that’s just not how it works. my entire world kind of changed when i learned that because i gave myself so much more grace to feel what i needed to feel and accept that it doesn’t follow a schedule…even though that would help me SO much. tbh, i’ve attempted to start looking at most emotions like glitter in this way because emotions rarely follow any type of logical rule & that’s irritating! but i like glitter lol.

this is likely my last post of the year/decade! it’s kind of scary…well, not really, intimidating is a better word because i want it to be impactful & hard hitting. but that’s way too much pressure, lol. and just like that, i think that’s my goal for next year. to continue to ease up on myself, give myself more grace, show myself more love & keep growing/healing. also!! i have some things planned for the new decade, i’m SO SO excited to keep moving forward & i hope all of you continue this journey with me.

*smooches & love*

keep practicing

it’s all practice. i’m practicing positivity. i’m practicing loving myself. i’m practicing manifesting. i’m practicing restructuring my perspective. i’m practicing my faith. i’m practicing accepting defeat. i’m practicing changing lanes. i’m practicing leveling up. i’m practicing everything. literally everything.

everything is changing. i’m keeping myself stable while everything is changing around me, which is also changing me. i keep trying to hold onto who i thought i was or should be…but everything that’s been occurring has been changing me. growing* me in ways that are painful and necessary! i’m learning to let go of control and to handle more emotions than i thought possible. i’m beating obstacles in my way. like every single freaking one!

i’m constantly accepting myself and attempting to give myself much more grace because i definitely deserve. plus, i’m out here giving everyone else a million+ chances so it’s about time that i give myself the same, if not more. but that’s still something i’m practicing, lol. remember when i said i was going to go on a positive kick and quit complaining cold turkey? i think i did it for like 3-4 weeks and life was SWELL! but thennnnnn a bunch of life happened back to back to back and i had to get really real with myself. nadia isn’t perfect and never will be, BUT she is capable of accepting when she’s had enough, when she needs a break, when she needs to celebrate, etc. (idk why the third person came out, but anyways) basically, i needed to give myself more agency and control over my own damn life. i was too concerned with making everything some version of perfect that i never stopped to ask myself wth i even wanted. i’m still working on figuring that out, but i’m much more able to identify which decision is best for me at any given moment & following it. also, realizing that what’s best for me may not be best for anyone else, but that’s ok! that’s why it is MY decision. this practice has been the one that i’ve been working the most on…well, this and giving myself positive things. i’m attempting to reboot my mind, lol. i want to be a positive person that’s loving and helpful and fun and smart and all the great things, but with all the great, i believe i must improve my process of handling the bad. so i’m gonna practice that a lil more.

*smooches*

at least i'm trying

i’m happy i took a break & i’m very likely to be taking another one…but i figured i owed it to myself to not clam up again. so here we go.

it’s no secret that i’ve been on the struggle bus for quite a while, but usually i’ve been able to make it alright without having to completely isolate myself. i’ve been afraid to isolate myself simply because the last time i really did that i was depressed af. now i’m learning that there are more than one type of isolation and the type that i’m working through is for my own healing. there are some things that i have to help myself with and through…& now is most definitely one of those times. i learned to lean on my people so that i didn’t feel like the world was out to get me and suffer in silence, but i feeeeeeeel like i’ve all but put my entire body weight on some. that makes me feel like utter bullsh*t because i cannot stand those type of people! like how dare you put all your woes on someone, even if yall are besties or in love or whatever?? that’s super inconsiderate, especially when you think of all the stuff they could be dealing with, too. i think i’m finally getting a feeling for how much is too much, but it always helps to ask “can i vent” or “can you handle me venting"?” i love using these questions in my friendships, it has drastically helped our communication.

basically, essentially, down to meat & potatoes. i’ve had a lot of life go on in the past couple months & i think i’m getting better at handling it. i’m not about to rehash all of it for yall because i’m not trying to trigger myself or just relive it right now. but i willllll say that my relationship with God and myself is getting stronger, even though i’m currently pissed at both parties…i think i’m justified, lol. plus i need to feel everything (apparently). avoiding them and having fun is just prolonging the hurt and i’m super tired of that so i’m getting all the way through it now. i trust God’s plan and purpose for my life and i recognize that this hurt won’t last always. i’m just in the storm right now so it’s hard to see my way out and i think that may be intentional. i can’t think &/or plan my way out of this storm…i just have to flow with it. with Him. i’m trying. i sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wanna quit, but i can’t. *rolls eyes*

+ i felt bad for choosing not to share certain stuff with everyone…but not because content or whatever, but because i felt myself starting to clam up…& if ya remember, when i start keeping all of my life a secret i kinda fall into serious depressed and anxious episodes. i’m blessed + relieved that i’m not depressed through all this, but i have been a bit anxious & i forgive myself for that. thank you to everyone that has helped me and prayed for me. & if you’ve been struggling along too, i’m in your corner, lifting you up! you will get through this & i promise it’ll get better.

…

so a lot of life is currently happening & i believe being still is crucial to mental health right now. granted, i have no clue of how to be still, i’m going to try my hardest. i’d appreciate your prayers as always. i know i’ll be ok, but i’m changing, growing…really transforming right now…& i just need space.

also, i posted some beautiful pics i shot while in spain in my photography portfolio & i have many more to add, so take a look!

thanks loves.
*smooches*

listen up man

are you listening to yourself? or are you listening to everyone else?

i don’t ask myself this enough. growing up in a strict household, being held to a super duper unrealistic standard from external forces (family, friends & everybody in between, including the perfect lives i see on social media) definitely HEAVILY impacted what is think nadia is “supposed” to do and have. i’ve only truly started living myself in the past 2 years. i actually just hit my 2 year anniversary of not giving a mother F! & if you know me, that basically means i stopped giving as much of an F not that i completely stopped because my virgo sun & rising ain’t letting that happen, ever lol. but no really, in the past two years i’ve dedicated more and more time to myself just to make sure i’m banking on my own thoughts rather than advice from everyone else. it’s still very much a journey, i guess that’s why i’m bringing it up again.

in the recent weeks, i’ve been burning myself right tf out. i didn’t think anything of it because i would always have fun once i got out of the crib, but mannnn it was a supreme tug of war between my couch and my jeep. so now i’m deciding to spend more time on my couch, lol. not because i’m feeling sad or depressed, but because i get really tired OR i just don’t feel like putting on pants lmao. you know how hard it is to get dressed when you’re in the middle of binging a show and the couch has that perfect warmth to it, pillow just soft enough and a snack calling your name?? very very difficult, lol. i used to and still occasionally do feel bad for going back on my rsvp or even fomo tries to come in, but then i just snuggle down in my couch a little more and everything’s perfect. i enjoy spending time with myself and i love making time for myself vs finding quiet moments in a very busy calendar. it gives me time so i don’t need to rush anything, i can do whatever i want including doing nothing at all. that’s still hard for me to do, but not the point. making time forces me to evaluate my life and decisions a couple good times without spiraling. afterall, i’m still on a journey to figure out my purpose and i’m reminded of it every day in both positive and negative ways. in my me time, i listen to myself the most. it’s kind of funny that i have to listen to myself to stay in to listen to myself some more, lol. it works for me, though. i haven’t been journaling as much as i think i should, but i forgive myself for that because i’ve been talking it out with God or just to myself, lol, without feeling silly at all. i validate myself in this time. my wants, needs, experiences, even my emotions, which is a major thing for since i have this kink of needing everything to make logical sense…it never does lol.

this past weekend gave me some impromptu quiet time because my phone refused to work, smdh! but it was actually pretty chill and i had to get a little creative with some communications. i had enough time to myself to be nice and not binge on bad foods because i had enough energy to eat better! (because we all know it’s super duper easy to just pick up some hot fries on the way home) idk, i just loved my alone time. making decisions for me without consulting anyone because it only concerned me. i haven’t felt that in a while & it was refreshing af! it also was a little scary because it set off some real superpower in me because i realized i have so much more power over my mind, body and circumstances than i act on. i’ve been playing the victim role a little bit, but i also am still trying to figure out what it means to “be still” in the God sense, ya know? mostly because i know that i know whatever happens next will only be by His grace, as my life has been. it’s a relief to hand over the responsibility, but it’s also a little confusing because “faith without works is dead..” soooooo like, what’s tea on that? if you know or want to discuss, please let me know! til then i’ll just be rapping with G and listening more to what nadia wants to do. you should too.

listen to yourself, not me, lol. but if you make some wild decisions don’t come back yelling at me now, haha.

*smooches*

my why

after creating this site and publishing my diary, the most feedback i received was always about my bravery, fearlessness and vulnerability…mostly just wondering why. every single answer i’ve given has contained different reasons and highlights in it, but i think i’ve finally nailed it down. i do this because…i have to. now, i realize that’s still vague lol, so i’ll list a few reasons why i have to so you completely understand.

  1. i grew up a very serious introvert, but not because i was nervous or whatever the typical reasons are for introversion. i just didn’t want to disappoint anyone by being too loud, feeling too deeply, or let anyone know that i had feelings at all. through my diary, i’m actively sharing and keeping myself open to emotions…which is still very much a struggle, but my emotional intelligence has drastically increased due to spending time with them rather than running from them.

  2. i’m on a life journey to find my purpose, which i take very seriously…but that also makes me very very sad, discouraged, depressed & anxious because i just want to know already! writing and expressing this helps me to relate to others while allowing me to shed a layer of fear that i’ll never figure it out.

  3. i make myself vulnerable in order to know that whatever i’m going through will be ok, but also to encourage everyone else! i highly dislike the “perfect life” facade that is everywhere so i decided to share deep and dark parts of me that i wear every day to hopefully help the next imperfect person.

  4. i’m multifaceted. there are certain parts of myself that are not allowed in certain arenas…& it’s exhausting to keep up. i wanted to create my own world where i can be my FULL self totally and completely.

these 4 reasons are my why. i feel like they are pieces of me and prayerfully, they are pieces of my purpose…otherwise, i’ll be regrouping and restarting lol. but that’s fine, i’m committed to figuring it out and pleasing God in the process. i’m not positive where i will go in this life…but i know creating my own lane has helped me in ways that i can’t truly describe.

hopefully this has helped you in some way, if not, contact me & we’ll talk some more, lol. i love doing this work and i pray it continues to grow me. THANK YOU to all of my weekly readers, my once in a while readers, visitors just for my portfolio or however you ended up here. i don’t think it was by accident, :). happy anniversary/birthday to my site!

*smooches*

reboot & relax

life is so random, lol. jobs, people, events, blessings, and just about everything in life just happens. occasionally with influence from what you’re actually doing, but a lot of times without any say from you at all. i think that’s why it’s so important to be still and let God, the universe and whatever other forces are out there to just do their thing so i can just ride the wave. not gonna front, when i initially heard this advice and then kept hearing this advice, i was super duper against it! like all the stuff i have control over, i take pride in, but the things i want to happen and accomplish are going to take much more than what i can control to come together in a perfect recipe. plus, having to be in control of everything all the time is HELLA stressful! and just about every single time i would find myself throwing a huge tantrum because things slipped out of my control, which would almost always turn into an episode of depression and super negative thoughts about how i must not be worthy of the thing that i so desperately want, which couldn’t be further from the truth. i’m worthy of everything i want, but that doesn’t mean i’ll get it when i want it or that i’ll get it all. the not getting it at all still stings a bit, but when it does i just refocus on all that i currently have that i never really imagined having. i’m soooooooooo blessed and so are you! we just get too carried away with comparisons, wants and just being outright spoiled, lol. like every time we get a piece of candy or even better, money, we instantly want more. i guess that’s human nature, but being truly grateful for my current blessings is the icing of my life.

the refocus is literally my crutch in life right now. i’m still finding the balance between feeling my feelings all the way through and not denying or brushing them off, but for the most part i can just refocus or reboot my headspace to think myself happy af! i’m still on my positive porsha kick and tbh, it’s been great! i think i’m just intentionally breaking my negative and anxious habit, which is the definition of freeing! i still don’t have all the answers, but i feel better about me and my life and that’s all i really wanted. doing this small, but powerful thing helps my controlling self to relax, lmao. i think i’ve leveled up in my faith because i just keep reminding myself, “if He’s done it once, He can do it again.” especially since He’s been blessing things that i ain’t even ask for! and if that ain’t a good and country testimony right there, then idk what is!

quick life message that i recently learned: it’ll work out. just because you can’t see how it’ll work out doesn’t mean that it won’t.

*smooches*

positively not toxic

so i guess i took a huge step into the negative pond with all the nonsense going on in life because i’m feeling it shed off of me every time i correct my negative thoughts. i don’t want to discount the bs that was going on in my life because shit was hard, lmao, but i let it take me down a whole lot more than i want to even admit. i want to say a huge thank you to everyone for being patient with my attitudes and whatever i dished out because i know it got rough. you know how you reflect on an event or simple interaction and get upset because you just weren’t yourself? i didn’t recognize myself…& sometimes i still don’t, but that’s ok. my growth and life journey isn’t linear and i doubt it ever will be. that’s boring, lol. but i’m manifesting a positive life path. i can control what i think and say…that’s something i can work on every single day, which helps me get through.

today and for the past few days, i’ve felt free. able to think and just be…and read myself for filth lol. it was like nadia was doing things that everyone else wanted her to and then trying to put my spirit into it…instead of leading with my spirit. it’s really weird, but i’ve felt like a zombie pretty much or even a ghost/spirit watching my body go & do things, lol. whether i thought it was right, wrong or indifferent i still just went with it. *shrugs* all this to say, i no longer feel this way. i feel very much in control of myself and life, with God of course. me and Him have gotten closer and He’s definitely been speaking to me, but it’s taken me a good while to sit with it and try not to morph it into what i want or how to make it make more sense, ya know? y’all know i overthink, lol. just imagine that episode of spongebob where he threw out everything in his brain except that one file drawer…remember everything was on fire? that’s meeeeee. going a mile a min trying to find the right file for this situation and then dissecting why each file doesn’t quite fit this specific situation. now i realize, DUH, it’s a new situation that requires a new response and new methods to figure it out. nothing wrong with not knowing what to do and how to do it, the problem is thinking i’m supposed to have it figured out and not asking for help and not praying.

i am better than i was yesterday. that makes me smile and brings me a peace that i’m not allowing anyone to change. last week i decided to take my headspace even more seriously. i talk a lot, lol, and i think even more than that! both what i say and think about myself are so critically important to my growth and life. idk why it dawned on me last week, but i’m thankful it did! i’ve been SO mean to myself in my thought process from impostor syndrome to straight up low self esteem and expecting the worst at all times. so i decided that i’m not doing it anymore. i’m tired of making myself sadder than sad by meditating on a negative thought. i’m leveling up my armor against my negative self. i need to have better control over my thoughts so that i don’t fall into depression and anxiety so often. my biggest key here is not to slip into toxic positivity. bad things do happen, unfortunately, but i have to accept them just as i accept the bad. no need to meditate on how bad it is nor make it worse. i have to accept, see how i can make my participation in it better and move right tf on. this brings me to a phrase that i cannot stand! “at least..” don’t “at least” my discrepancies. por ejemplo; i lost my wallet and if you were to use the phrase it would go something like, “at least you didn’t rip your pants.” 1. what in the world type of comparison. 2. this phrase discounts my feels because it is comparing my sucky feeling to something that is sucky, but doesn’t relate to me and even if it did, idc. i’m dealing with a lost wallet so just let me deal.

it’s all a balance after all. this is my verbal confirmation that i’m actively trying to be more positive and giving permission to be corrected whenever i start talking down on myself. it starts with me and i hope you all will join me, too!

sit it on down

we taking all the risks big fella. tbh, i talk about taking risks a lot and i know i think it’s very very very important to step out on faith and bet on you….but it’s also just as important to sit & be still. that’s what i’m working towards now. my focus keeps shifting from building myself into a superhero to picking up the jagged and probably missing pieces of a dollar tree puzzle.

at all times…my mind is moving. i have the power to choose which way it goes; positive or negative, but mostly i feel out of control with it. i’m actively beating down the negative thoughts with positive and actually true thoughts. even while celebrating my birthday, when the walk got too long or the food wasn’t as great or whatever happened…i started blaming myself and hoping that my people aren’t mad at me for bringing them here. so how did i overcome this thought? i told myself, matter-of-factly, if they didn’t want to come they wouldn’t have and waiting for things is a part of life and reflects on my planning skills in no way, shape or form. another one popped up because i couldn’t help falling asleep early every night for some reason…that i now know is a really strong menstrual cycle, lol. i thought they’d be pissed at me for being a party pooper and ruining the night, but nope! they went out or stayed in or whatever they wanted to do to make sure they had a great time. they even attempted to wake me and mega kudos for that because i know i was knocked and probably gave them the death stare if i woke up at all, lol. so i looked at the positive, they tried to wake me, they took care of me, and weren’t mad at me at all. plus, i woke up super rested and got all the tea from the night out. listening to it was fun because my friends are hilarious, but it was also like i was taking jabs because i wish i was there! then i just remind myself of what i needed and that no one is upset with me. plus we have other memories i can think of when i start comparing too much. currently, this tactic/coping mechanism is saving me! it’s too easy to go down that slippery slope of negativity, but with this method of correcting my negative thoughts, i can think a bit clearer.

this is just one method of sitting still…i’ll be getting deeper into meditation and simply staying in the house and not feeling bad about it. i can say no. i’m not obligated to say yes or to never change my mind. life happens to everyone and we’re all trying to figure it out…one moment at a time.

boundaries

disclaimer: this is not a cry for help, but a realization.

i’m a loner. but not in the sense of always wanting to be alone, i feel like i’m forced into it by living here in detroit. i try & have gone to crazy lengths to become friends with people or to build strong relationships with people…that only care about what i can do for them. we probably all go through this and i’ve been avoiding the topic for a while because i was forcing myself to give everybody excuses to why i felt this way.

it’s like this. i’ll invite people out & a few may show up…late, but if i’m invited and i say i’m going to be there then that’s exactly what i’m going to do. OR randomly doing fun things, i do them alone because once again if i ask anyone they’re likely busy or already out without me. but i should go meet up them, right? it makes me feel like leftovers. but IF i choose to show up, it’s all love even extra love. it’s a really weird dynamic & i’m to a point where it hurts like hell & i’m tired of it. i’ve been setting boundaries with people, saying no more often and truly taking care of myself, but a niggah is EXHAUSTED. at what cost tho? damned if i do and damned if don’t. if i stay to myself and only go out when invited then i’ll never do anything. if i keep inviting myself, i’ll keep feeling like a tagalong. if i keep inviting people that i know won’t show up, then i \’m only hurting myself. my mom and older black folks always told me, “if they wanted you there they’d invite you.” so why am i still asking to join a group or to be invited to whatever is going on? i gotta chill, right? but then in the same breath, it could be an honest mistake of forgetting me for 3 years or people go through their own stuff so they can’t reach out to me or i could really be stand off-ish and don’t know it. idk the answer, but i do know that i’m going to have to get more acquainted with really being alone. all the time. it’s legit been my life since elementary. i find out about everything late, i’m continually feeling like an afterthought. the last time i felt like this was actually pretty recent, but i was going through an episode at that time so i thought i was tripping. but now i think i’m seeing it pretty clearly. i’m not for everybody and everybody damn sure ain’t for me. and that’s ok. it just took a while for me to sit with it & not be so hurt all the time.

it’s almost the same with my friends out of town, too. mostly because of the distance tho. when we can, we do & that’s how my friendships with my closest people has always worked. i tried to just lean on them with the hope of getting stronger relationships here in the city, but i can’t do that because that’s wayyyy too much to put on people and at the end of the day they have lives as well.

even re-reading all of this and reconsidering posting it after taking some time to actually let it go & get over it…idk, it all still resonates. my birthday is this weekend and i’m looking to my core group to help me celebrate of course, but i do still wish some relationships were stronger than they are, but i’m also overjoyed at the relationships that have crazy strength. i love my people and i try my best to not take them for granted, but the fact is still that i’m a loner, lol. but i won’t be for my birthday and for that i’m soooooooooo excited!

that's my type, kinda

if you’re really quick with it, you may have seen me post on my ig story that i was going to do a late post in my diary…well, sorry because i got stressed & decided to sit & do nothing.

but it’s a new week! & my birthday is coming soon! like sooner than soon & i had no idea august was going to fly by like this, lol. but anyways! the topic that one of my friends thought of was my “type" and i instantly started laughing because it’s soooooo simple, but also not at all. *shrugs*

ok, so…i always thought my destined type was some tall light bright man because that was literally the only type that came my way, lol. every single time i tried any other type of man, it just went down faster than you can say “oops.” so i just accepted my fate to be with a light bright man, lol…..until, i accepted that not only do i love different colors of men, but women as well. (evil laugh, lmao)

i’ll start with the ladies since i have manners.

women are women and that’s the type that i like, lmao. it’s a mega plus if they’re artsy or spiritual because i just find it so beautiful. i really can’t give more insight other than that, lol. a familiar trend though, is height & a gorgeous smile. i don’t really like or attracted to anyone that’s shorter than me, but with women they can be my height. (for men, nuh uh) confidence and boldness that comes to me before i can show mine takes me all the way back, lol. i be like, “oh really??” i definitely like for her to be a responsible human & i guess you can define that however you like.

now for the men. i want to do a complete 180 and list all these things that a man has to have in order to get my attention, just to be irky lol. truth is, it’s not that much different from a woman, besides the fact he has to be taller than me and thicker than me. please please have high hygiene rituals because i just cannot, lol.

this is too hard, lol. trying to separate my likes of each gender separately is annoying lol. yall know i like both so the rest of this post goes for both. i like a sense of personal style and independence, it’s so beautiful to me! OH, hair! i love hair at any length, i just like for the person to own it. not the misogynist rhetoric of someone’s hair needing to come from their scalp, lol. i mean wear it with confidence as if the cut, color, shape up or baldie is made just for you. i like active humans, ya know the kind to randomly go run or just play outside like a kid, lol. i can get really lazy if nothing provokes me to get up so i can’t be with someone that’s the same because we’ll end up doing nothing at all, lol. money money money, tbh, i think i’m at a point where i can comfortably say that the amount they make definitely impacts my choice to pursue them, but the way they manage it matters much more. financial literacy is extra important and with the goals i’m trying to hit, i can’t carry them while doing me. ooooh, intelligence is sexy asl and so is knowing how to communicate. i take that last part very very seriously. i don’t like having to fight to speak nor be heard and if i feel that i have to, then i’ll likely just stop talking and keep it pushing.

sorry this isn’t super duper juicy, lol. i just like what i like. *shrugs* also, i’m currently out of the game so please no shots. lmao.

3 whole a** years

wow, bruh! i really just hit year 3 in the D! (that was a cute rhyme lol)

i can’t even begin to explain how God has kept me in the past three years. like, wow! He has truly used everything i’ve been through to teach and grow me into the human i am today. i know yall don’t think it was all me, but i just had to throw up another huge thank you because lawdhamercy, i ain’t think i was going to make it.

so my actual anniversary was july 18, but tbh, i wasn’t very happy at the time. i was very confused about nearly everything. love, work, purpose, side hustles, friendships, even food, lol. yall, i was going through itttttttttt. mercury was in microbraids or retrograde, depends on your twitter usage. i think the source of my episode was disappointment in myself. it’s natural to reflect on life once you hit anniversaries and other milestones, but i may have went a bit overboard. i started meditating on all the wrong things. the sentence, “i was supposed to gone by now, i didn’t think i’d still be here…what am i still doing here?” circled in my mind worse than a tornado funnel. nothing was stopping it…plus i kept it to myself for way too long. when i first moved here, i went through adjustment depression and anxiety in my new big girl corporate job because i was NOT fulfilled. it sucked. making friends was a struggle, let alone trying to continue modeling and the other artsy things that i love to do. because of all this, i had a clear vision of running away from all the problems…naturally, lol. year one…was a huge test to say the least. i think my biggest lesson was, in the words of Bey, “you can give your all and do everything right…and still fail.” which SUCKS, but it taught me to put less pressure on myself, but that’s obviously still an ongoing lesson. year 2 was very clearly the year i began to choose me, actively. year 3, i lived and am living OUT LOUD. i’m moving out of my own way, trying things i once thought i wasn’t worthy of, allowing myself to feel things (even though i’m still not a big fan, lol). each year in detroit has taught me so much about myself and continues to do so.

i now own property, support countless detroit owned business and even work for them, and i even have people in my circle that i can forever count on. i never thought any of these great things were possible, but detroit has pushed me in every way to become a better human to myself and others. i can’t thank the city enough.

hella questions

self discovery is literally the wildest ride.

my head is spinning. do i love me? do i like me? do i even know me?

yes, i know these are living, breathing questions that should have simple answers, but don’t. i think witnessing all the love and freedom in nola brought some insecurities up…plus ya know pms has a great way of making you doubt yourself and everything around you. the longer i stayed in nola, the more my confidence dwindled. weird, i know. the internal battle was crazy real. i was in a beautiful city with my beautiful best friends and everything was pretty perfect…but in my head i was suffering. i battled with it for a good while and didn’t want to share this, but i truly think that idk myself for myself. i know who i am in relation to others, but who i am to just me is a bit more difficult to answer.

trying to find an answer to a living question will never be easy. i know that. by “living” question, i mean a question that changes with you. it grows as you grow. i don’t dislike myself, but there’s this persistent feeling that i’m not myself or why i even think this. i do what i’m told and what i want, that’s pretty freeing or at least i think it should be. i don’t feel free. i feel contained. blocked. controlled. maybe that’s why i do such random things. idk if people see me for me or if they have me completely confused…but i can’t even answer that if idk who i am. i think this constant indecision leaks over to my interactions with others, too. i question everything. i make everyone out to be the bad guy and i’m the victim. if “they” did this, then i would be good. or if i had a crew of people or a significant other, or more money, or a passion, or a defined purpose, THEN i’d be good. truth is, i can’t put life off until those things happen and that’s the hard part…i gotta live through it.

i’m constantly worried about everything and that’s exhausting. draining. it’s funny that when i don’t try is when i actually do my best. which….just doesn’t make sense! lol. i understand that nothing is linear and i definitely don’t know as much as i seem to, but at some point life should make some sense, right? isn’t that the hope? not everything, of course, but some experiences should eventually make sense. i think i’m in a state of nothing making sense and every time i try to make sense of it….you guessed it, it falls apart!

do you know who you are? do you like you? love you?

i pray that you do, i don’t want you to feel the way i do…but if you do, know you’re not alone.

*smooches*

it’s life, i think

sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way you see it in your head…& that’s ok, that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you’re a bad person. it literally means that this thing, whatever it is, is not for you right now…or ever.

i put way too much pressure on the plan i have in my head. i always think life works like a math equation, 2+2 always equals 4, so if i do xyz it should yield these results…& life is like, “mmmmmk, but no.” doesn’t mean i’m not deserving and worthy of the happy plan that i had, i don’t think it means anything at all really. it’s just a fact. we don’t get most of the things that we want in life, but we keep living. keep trying. just keep going. and i can’t shut down out of frustration or complete pissed off-ness. i gotta remain open & flowing because shutting down for me usually results in much more destructive harm than any good. there are far too many lessons in life to be learned and other “its” that i could block by getting stuck on the fact that my magical plan didn’t work out how i thought it would.

…

it’s funny or annoying that whenever i get really into my writing or journal while i’m in the peak of the frustration that i uncover some truth about myself. in this case it’s that i’m still very much a control freak, even though i’ve tried not to be for years. i’m pretty sure it stems from fear, which fuels my adaptable spirit for damn near everything, but i now know that comes off like i have no worries and i’m superwoman or some shit. i’m. not. i worry about worrying more than i care to admit…but knowing that helps me manage it in a weird way. i can talk my brain down because the answers i wish i had truly only come with time, yet it still feels like a cop out. i can’t control anything in this life, besides myself and sometimes that is too much, lol. i truly long to be able to let go and just live out loud without worry, but i ain’t built like that, lol. i probably never will be and that’s fine, but for now i’ll keep working to keep my fear in check and be real with myself. i don’t have it all together and i’m not supposed to. my brain is likely to keep making up stories and get fixated on a single story or path, but i need to stay open to whatever else may happen, whether good, bad or indifferent…i’ll be ok.

so will you.

*smooches*

i really went to essence fest!

BRUHHHHHHH.

i’m still in shock tbh. literal shock. can’t stop looking at photos. (click the travel tab to see some pics that you won’t find on my insta) i’m trying to reminisce too much, but i can’t help it!

so the birthday gal and i left detroit for nola last tuesday and we were already receiving mega blessings that let us know this trip was going to be blessed and highly favored. she got bumped to first class on our flight, but she says save your money the only difference was the chair and snack choice, lol. i know she enjoyed it tho, i was in the back reading and actually wrote last week’s post on flight so the next day i would just have to press publish. we touched down and our trio was complete! and they even let me go to waffle house before going to our home for the week. that’s real love right there. she will forever call me basic for wanting that instead of the good and country food, but i missed waffle house, lol. we ate, went home and just enjoyed each other because we haven’t been all together in a little while, plus the whole week was packed.

wednesday, we explored. AND almost melted! that nola is not a game and is not for the week. i rarely sweat at all, but i was drenched after standing outside to pay for parking. it was looney toon, but worth it. we ate at the ruby slipper (bomb af) and then we toured the french quarter and walked around aimlessly until we found a daiquiri shop, which are literally everywhere. i’m talking drive thru and all. this one was the big easy, which i guess is a staple because i noticed everywhere afterwards. birthday girl and i got a mixed daiquiri and jello shots…but the jello shots were in syringes. it was interesting at first, to say the least. after trying them, i was sold, lol. i loved them! plus we could take them with us, which made them extra great. there was no way i was finishing them both before walking out. after tackling our first day with the heat we took a well deserved nap! (y’all know i love my naps) we woke up and went back to the french quarter for dinner since the other major spots that we wanted to try were super packed. we had a beautiful dinner, with a bottle of wine that is now my new favorite. that restaurant was perfect placed for people watching on the street and in the dining room. apparently, we stuck out like sore thumbs because a few people asked us, “y’all not from here, huh?” lol, it was cool though, especially since someone ended up paying for our wine. afterwards we hit bourbon street! and that’s that on that.

thursday was Essence in the Park! we meant to get up early, but sleep was necessary. we made it to the park in time to mc lyte and phony ppl perform by complete surprise! i actually slacked on being prepared and planned out for this trip because it was so overwhelming, so i had no clue there were performances, lol. i thought it was just going to be a big cookout with food trucks and a dj. people were having a great time, but some were also passing out because of the heat…and that’s when we decided that we better go get water and ac until fireworks later on that night anyways. after recouping from the heat, we went down to cafe du monde for the famous beignets & baby, i could’ve survived on those alone. but i love food too much, lol. after getting the goods we found a great spot on the river to watch the show. it was so beautiful. i haven’t watched fireworks in a few years and being there with my girls was such a peaceful and beautiful moment.

friday was technically the first day of the essence fest, but saturday and sunday had just about the same theme. everything took place between the convention center(shops, food, music, fireside chats, & more) and the superdome(music). i want to send a super shout out to God because His favor was all over us this weekend! we met SO many people, including ari lennox, crissle & kid fury, look at dustin, megan good, jemelle hill, and more! being so close to these popping people truly gave us an extra boost, especially because they were so extremely nice and normal. they were scattered all over the city, too. most of them we met randomly exploring the city right before going to the concert later that night. but the convention center was packed with opportunity! it literally had everything you could think of. there were around 20 different black owned restaurants, at least a thousand black owned businesses varying in size, health and wellness booths, larger company support (walmart, mcdonalds, coca cola, ford & at&t), about four different stages where you could listen to fireside chats or see your favorite performers, even a stage for karaoke! it had everything you could dream of and it was FREE. entry into this magical place was as free as could be. there was black excellence, elegance and brilliance everywhere! it was empowering! black women, black babies, black men coming together for a great black time. my heart is still overflowing. AND on top of all this greatness, we had floor seats to the three day concerts! you can find the line up everywhere, but my absolute favorites were my virginia legends and the atl performance. missy misdemeanor elliott tore the stage down!! then teddy riley brought out timbaland and pharrell…just imagine it. all the movers of music just jamming on stage and remixing their portfolio to make us love it even more and in a new way. i think i cried. no joke! it was overwhelming! PLUS they had more intimate concerts going on in the superlounges where i saw nao, elle varner, bj the chicago kida and so many more! it was a great black time. a beautiful black time. i’m more than thankful that i got to experience the 25th anniversary of the festival right before i turn 25. i felt aligned, inspired and valued.

i can’t give it the justice it deserves. you’re just going to have to go for yourself!

*smooches*

shut up & try

i’ve always been terrified that i would never be [a bunch of adjectives] enough. it was just a recurring and insistent fear. it was so strong that i was the mute of the little cousins, lol. i was super quiet & usually the one getting hurt when we all played, but i swear that wasn’t my fault, lol. i just wanted to be as chill and carefree as everyone else appeared to be, but i always ended up making everyone have to go inside early bc i fell, got stuck, seriously scratched or broke something. idk if that’s a result of me trying so hard or if i’m actually just that clumsy. nevertheless, i was nadia enough. i was too afraid of what everyone would think if i didnt do something, said no too harshly, played too hard, was too slow or fast, or just too this and not enough that. 

i have always received pretty positive remarks about my outside parts and more recently about my inside. but it’s still really hard for me to take a compliment, believe anyone is serious when they think all these great things about me, etc. but one adjective that i’ve heard all my life is “fearless.” i dont believe i’m fearless, i can explicitly name my fear, lol. idk when it shifted, but it did. i went from having panic attacks before i ever tried something new to being terrified of what will happen to my growth if i don’t try. 

i’m typically questioned, “how do you model, engineer, mentor &/or create?” my answer is always the same! “i just try shit out.” that’s really all i do. whether it’s asking someone out romantically, doing a lingerie shoot, or even creating a blog, i’m just trying something that’s always been in my head. i’m afraid to not go for it. i’m not afraid to fail, i’m probably expecting failure too much, but we’ll save that for a different post. 

i grew up a professional multitasker. i’m an honest product of my father, the football coaching, architecting and preaching barber, and my mother, the teaching, counseling, singing, creating, decorating, wedding planning photographer. lol, they do so much more but i just wanted to give you a snippet. i knew there were plenty of things that i was good at, but i’d have to pick one and then do everything else on the side. so obviously, i picked the one that was more or less guaranteed money. i’ve moved around a bit, meaning adaptability is a skill i’m forever working on. wearing numerous hats and adapting to each setting im placed in doesn’t leave room for fear. not the fear of attempting anyways. of course i still get mega nervous, but if i didn’t/don’t go for the big thing then i’ll never grow. i’ll never know for myself if i’m capable of playing without seriously injuring myself, lol (even if i do, i’m on my parents insurance for a little bit longer so everything will be fine). 

just remember that you ARE enough. more than enough, to be honest. we just have to keep trying and trying some more until we figure it out. it may take a while but that’s fine, think of it as an adventure because it is! never know when you find the perfect combo to create your happy ending, but whenever you do, i’m sure you’ll want to learn a new combo. that’s how it is for me, anyways lol.

*smooches*